40. That sounds substantial. 14,600 days… most of which were really good ones. I feel young and old at the same time, if that makes sense. At least, I definitely know enough now to realize how much more there is to know. Yet the possibilities seem infinite still.
This is a good chance to pause, look around, and see where I am. 40 years is more or less the amount of time it took for me to know myself really well, and I’m grateful for that knowledge. (I’ll probably say the same thing every year, but really… each moment of our lives has led to this very moment.) I’ve had multiple phases in there, some when I felt like an entirely different person. At least, I don’t remember much about those times when someone talks about them. Are you sure that was me??? I usually try to focus on “the now” rather than the past or the future, but this is a great milestone for reflection and to mine for treasured bits to keep hold of.
There was early childhood, when I was quiet, creative, overflowing with love from my family, and tucked in bed every night with stories, prayers, and a kiss.
There was grade school, full of learning and fun. I was the shortest one of my peers.
Then middle and high school, where I grew ever more competitive and perfectionistic. I passed notes with great friends, decorated my locker, and joined lots of school clubs. Still, I felt that I didn’t really belong to one particular group. Sometimes I ate lunch in the bathroom.
College was a collection of different experiences, depending on the interest, living situation, and boyfriend of the time. I started many great friendships that last today.
During and after graduate school, “real life” began. Got a fulfilling job, met Mr. B, and grew true friendships. Somehow these last 17 years have passed at warp speed. I don’t really know how I went from having a sticker collection to having a husband, a child, and a house. I mean, I do, but woah.
When I was young, my friends and I would play “going on a date.” I’d imagine having my own car to drive, a boyfriend to go places with, and a bank account. It all came about in its own time… I have responsibilities, but I still feel young and idealistic. I still dream. I hope I still will at 98. I want to be one of those old women who wear purple.
This feels like a great opportunity to let go of old insecurities, of saying yes to help anybody and everybody, and to decide how I want to spend the next 40 years. Because I’m on to me. I know my strengths and am intimate with my weaknesses. If I don’t carve a path, the path will be created for me. And I still need to do the work to let some old traits go. There is so much I want to become.
A few lessons I’ve learned growing up so far:
- It’s all about the real connections. There have been moments to treasure and I appreciate those all the more now. A friend coming over in high school to help me through a hard time because she’d been through it too, another friend coming over with chocolate and “The Heartbreak Handbook” in college, my brother sitting with me during a stressful event in the middle of the night, true concern during illnesses from family and friends, those who traveled far to be with me on my wedding day, being there to hold my cat’s head as we said goodbye to him, the love my parents and grandparents have for me, all the celebrations and hard times with true friends, a life partner who is there at your best and your worst and all those times in between, and those beautiful souls who send sunflowers when they can’t be here in person… I am so blessed.
- When I was young (like earlier this year), I said “yes” to things like giving up Sunday mornings with Mr. B so I could spend time unappreciated with rowdy fifth graders who don’t want to listen to me, all because of my idealistic notions of who they could become.
- Heartbreak lessens over time. You realize that the things that happened TO you may have happened FOR you.
- The greatest gift you can give someone is your presence.
- I don’t “have” to go to dinner with that friend who talks incessantly about her body pain/illness the entire time. No more friends with drama. (Family is another story.)
- It’s the little things that matter most.
- Authenticity is so much more fulfilling than any show you could put on.
- Each of us is already perfect. We can always fine-tune and become better, but we can stop all the internal pressure!
- I am strong within. Way stronger than I ever thought.
- I can learn something from every person I encounter.
- How we talk to ourselves is so important.
- It is completely ok to have limits. It’s ok to feel tired, to not be able to help everybody (so so hard), to not have learned Italian, to have jiggly thighs, to not be good at something new… yet,
- Most people are doing their best. Consciously forgive the rest. (Myself included.)
- I can trust my inner guidance. I can be content. I can feel gratitude for it all… people and lessons and nature and love.
So on this milestone birthday, I give myself permission to be every aspect of my idealistic, perfectionistic, complex, sensitive, control-freak, intense, intuitive, spontaneous self. I’ve always done the best I could at the time, so I have decided to let go of the past regrets, illnesses, weaknesses, and mistakes. I forgive myself wholly. (That feels good!!!)
Mainly I would like to continue forging the spiritual path I’ve only just come upon. I wish to carve out more moments for introspection, learning, and studying. I will also seek to share my own unique way of knowing and seeing with the organizations I’m a part of. I am newly chosen for the boards of the AJC, Houston Hillel, and Temple Sisterhood, each a meaningful way to be part of my local and global community. Exciting things await.
You know how it’s so much easier to rest when someone (especially a doctor, tells you it’s non-negotiable? I have a friend who literally prints out permission slips for herself in order to make something “official.” And so I also give myself (and you!) permission…
… to count my blessings,
… to narrow down my focus to the important things and let the rest fall away,
… to express what I need and desire,
… to allow every single emotion to be, to cry when I need to cry and laugh out loud,
… to sense the rareness and value of life,
… to allow the strength or the weakness to settle unquestioned, to live at the edge of sadness for awhile if I wish,
… to share myself with others,
… to try to be open-minded by default,
… to say no simply because I want to be alone (I need space the same way I need air. My intuition and knowing comes forward only in this way),
… to embrace the things that bring me joy,
… to respect my body and its wonder and work, feed it with nourishment and allow it to rest, to live inside it and to love it no matter what,
… to remember deep breathing in times of stress,
… to make peace with my past and surrender to my future,
… to say YES much more often and to follow impulses that feel right,
… but also to say NO with assertive self-care,
… to keep taking steps toward realizing my dreams,
… to stop putting limits on myself,
… to be precious and powerful and everything in between,
… to forgive myself and others,
… to get out into the community and find like-minded people,
… to know that I am responsible for my happiness,
… to always choose life (thanks, dad),
… to make myself happy by doing what I love,
… to believe in miracles and to watch for them daily,
… to let my thoughts wander,
… to search for experiences that make my breath catch in my throat,
… to relish my daughter’s childhood,
… to show up, applaud, and take it all in,
… to have courage or frustration or fear or joy… whatever emotion bubbles up from within.. to let it all be there and know that it is ok,
… to know that I deserve to speak up and defend my voice, to know that the smallness I feel is not real,
… to realize that I’m doing pretty ok with the tasks before me right now.
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“Especially in the first half of life, introverts are most interested in discovering exactly what it is they have to offer the world. They see self-knowledge as a prerequisite to authentic action. Without an adequate map of themselves, they feel lost and aimless. For them, external circumstances are far less important than self-understanding and self-direction. Once they have a sense of who they are and what they should be doing, they feel they can be happy anywhere.” Dr. A. J. Drenth, My True Type: Clarifying Your Personality Type, Preferences, and Functions |
In sum, I am so very grateful to be alive. As I continue to learn more about myself and what I can offer the world, I’m joyously anticipating the next 40 years. I can’t see around the bend, but I know it’s going to be awesome. AND I’m thankful to you for reading what I share here… and commenting!
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Happy 40th Birthday Naomi! I love the fact that you are giving yourself permission to be exactly who you are. Setting boundaries and saying No to someone or something when you need alone time is such a healthy thing to do. It’s an area I’ve worked on and it’s much easier to set a boundary for myself now. For me, it’s about listening to my body, my intuition and then following through with making decisions that serve me well. Thanks for sharing your wonderful insights!
Nancy Jambor recently posted…The Gift of a Personal Retreat
Thank you so much for the birthday wishes, Nancy!
Happy Belated birthday! What a beautiful post! So many good notes in here. One of my favorites:
“The greatest gift you can give someone is your presence.”
PRICELESS!!!!
Elda recently posted…Facing The Stigma Of Family Estrangement
Happy 40th, Naomi! And many more! Lovely birthday post. Especially enjoyed the early pics : )
cynthia newberry martin recently posted…peaceful: 145/365
This is brilliantly put. You’re amazing. Thanks for sharing these self permissions. I’ve re-read them twice already!
When I turned 40 last year, I really embraced who I am. I finally feel like I’m in “the skin” that I was mean to be in all along. Thanks for sharing this reflection!
Stacy Bender recently posted…Still Stepping Those Big Steps
Happy birthday, Naomi! It looks like we were born just days apart. I turn 40 next Tuesday the 9th, and am in the midst of life reflection, just as you are.
I, too, don’t know how I went from my sticker collection (fifth grade, in a homemade sticker book my mom made for me from cardstock and little rings to bind it all together — remember puffy stickers?) to having an adult life with my wonderful husband and our own home and businesses. For goodness sake, I’m a landlord! How did this happen? It feels like it just whooshed by.
I, too, was the shortest kid in my class. When I was in early elementary school, clad in the requisite scouting uniform, my mom called me the World’s Shortest Brownie.
Do you remember the song “I Choose Life” by Rumors of the Big Wave? It came out when we were about 18. One of your points, the one you thank your dad for, put that song into my mind. I love it, and hope it stays stuck there all day. 🙂
I am joining with you in a toast to the next forty years. Wonder what we’ll be blogging about when we’re eighty?
Harmony Harrison recently posted…Some Background and Some Backgrounds: Where I’ve been, how I’ve been, and a little bit of paint swished on paper
Happy Birthday!! Hope the day flows all year through. Great insight. I remember 40. It was very exciting. But then every year after seems exciting since life just keeps getting better and better. Sounds like you’re in that flow too. Have fun!!
Kelli Spencer recently posted…When Does It Become Less About You And More About Them?
Thanks, Kelli. I have been hearing that it gets better and better. That’s great news.
Those are great lessons and insights. I did something similar when I turned 40. It brought on the realization that I need to make some big changes.
Linda Ursin recently posted…These Tarot cards can be yours soon
Exactly! I’m grateful for the opportunity, though I suppose it’s similar to New Year’s resolutions… why wait for Jan 1 to begin?
If we wait until next Monday or Jan 1 it never gets done 🙂
Linda Ursin recently posted…These Tarot cards can be yours soon
Happy birthday, Naomi. I turned 40 not so long ago, so the milestone is still fresh in my mind. Loved reading your reflections and looking at your journey in photos. I can so relate to most of your learnings. I mean.. it takes 40 years to realise that what happens to us usually happens for us. And that we’re perfect just as we are.
Tat recently posted…How to stop procrastinating without twisting your own arm
You are exactly right, Tat. I like how you look at it too. 🙂
What a wonderful way to bring in 40, Naomi! I’m a few years ahead of you and so much of what you wrote resonated with me. I hid in the library at lunch in high school.
I also have let a few commitments go recently to open up space for more meaningful things to come. Looking forward to connection with you on Inspiring Messengers.
Warmly,
Kathy
Kathy recently posted…Rainbow Sky
Well shoot! I didn’t think to go to the library! I eventually had a science teacher who welcomed me into his classroom during lunch to eat and study. And yes, it’s so freeing to let some things go. Thank you so much for commenting!
Naomi congrats on the milestone birthday this year! I too will be celebrating one as well although I wish it were 40 (again)!
I just loved your list of things you have learned- isn’t it great to look back and see what we have accomplished. Hope you had a fabulous day!
Sue recently posted…Comment on Are you a binger? by kimberly
Thanks, friend. Yes, it’s nice to get to a point where you CAN look back at accomplishments. 🙂
Oh darn, I forgot to tell you how wonderful all the photo’s were…you were so cute and your daughter looks like you and your travel photo’s mixed in were lovely also…what a great trip you took…we were there also a few years ago…one of my favorite trips..
Thank you, Cheryl. My daughter is definitely a mini-me, especially up to now since she wants to do everything I do. I’m excited about “true living” as you say. Definitely feels more genuine already. I loved your comments.
A really beautiful written piece about your loves and your life…about going forward but remembering the good of the past…forgiveness and gentleness..all of these encompass you now…it takes at least until 40 to “start to get it”…your getting it. Embrace your 40’s they are the beginning of true living as far as I’m concerned and when 50 comes you’ll be ready to really, really come into your own…40 though, if for more learning, more laughter, more adventures and more patience…For figuring out where you are going on this fabulous journey called life…
Happy Birthday Naomi…
Yes….how wonderful! I hope your day was a very Happy one!
Debbie Goode recently posted…Pip Part 4
What beautiful permissions you’ve given yourself Naomi and I hope they serve as lovely little guiding stars as you move forward into this new year and beyond. Wishing you much joy and great peace.
Deborah Weber recently posted…From High in the Sky to the Watery Depths
Thanks, Deborah! I should probably print them out or it’s likely I will forget about those intentions by next week!
So wonderful Naomi. And a very happy birthday to you my new friend.
kimberly recently posted…SoulSpacing our lives