How to decode secret messages in your child’s behavior

For the first time, Sweet Girl had a friend spend the night.  Their plan was to pretend to fall asleep, wait for us to go to bed, and then: 1) art activities 2) play doh 3) play Shoots and Ladders??? – can’t decipher that one 4) dance and 5) snack.  Too cute!

“Every day, children tell their parents exactly how they need to be parented.” That’s how Carol Tuttle begins her book The Child Whisperer: The Ultimate Handbook for Raising Happy, Successful, Cooperative Children.

Carol writes that “or you to begin this experience with your own child, you need 3 key principles. They involve thinking about parenting differently than most parents do—I promise that thinking this way pays off.

Cooperation Principle #1. Your children WANT to cooperate.

Cooperation Principle #2. Every struggle is a secret message.

Cooperation Principle #3. Parenting shouldn’t wear you out.

If you feel exhausted, cranky, or a tiny bit resentful at the end of the day, that’s a warning sign.

That’s your inner voice telling you that this version of parenthood isn’t supportive to you.

I’m excited for you to have tools to feel energized as a parent.”

HA!

Remember me telling you about Dressing Your Truth^®, a Beauty Profiling system that identifies those four main types of beauty that women (and men) express.  This is sort of like a personal fashion makeover from the inside out.  Well it works on children too.

Our daughter is primarily Type 1.  Her nature is light and boyant and she does her best when interacting socially and when using her imagination. T1 children resist too much structure and get cranky when they don’t interact with others enough.  When she is with us at home, in her most comfortable environment, she is all over the place, flitting from one idea to another, active and physical.  She is enthusiastic about just about everything.  She needs to be reminded to clean up one project before jumping into another.  She seems to physically need social interaction and frequently wants to engage in pretend play, which usually requires another person.   She does two or more things at once.  I have had to remind her that when I am reading her bedtime stories, all the other things she is doing might be fine for her, but she is distracting ME! And OMG, she talks during every. single. tv show.Every child is unique.  The fun-loving T1 child relates socially.  The sensitive T2 child relates emotionally. The determined T3 child relates physically.  The more serious T4 child relates intellectually.  You can go here to see which type your child primarily is.  Remember, we all have all four types within, but one expresses itself most dominantly.

She also has a great deal of Type 2 in her that gets in the way of enjoying her social, playful, creative self when she’s outside our house.  The kiddo we see at home is not the same one that other family or teachers see.  At all!  They may even wonder if I’m making up all these dance parties, pretend You Tube videos, and other shenanigans.  Since I am a Type 2, I identify and understand how hard it can be to move outside your comfort zone.  She appears to be shy, which she definitely is not.

How you go about teaching your child to be in the world should be consistent with their Energy Type.  For her, I’ve never felt that Time Outs would work because she has huge trouble being alone and because emotionally she would feel abandoned and misunderstood.  So we do a lot of talking things through, sometimes more than once.  I have learned to be more authoritative (not authoritarian!) while still hearing her side of things.  I can speak the Type 2 language, but the Type 1 has been more of a challenge.

For bedtime, varying the routine a bit here and there is what works for her.  It can’t be too serious or structured.  It must be light, playful, and interesting.  Battles ensue when we resist her inner nature.  “It’s time for bed” or “because I’m the adult” just doesn’t fly with her!

Type 1’s need creative fun, outlets for their imagination, and lots of social interaction.  Providing her with these helps eliminate possible conflicts.  If I think back to times when I would usually raise my voice out of frustration, the situation was one where she wasn’t getting her primary need met.  She was either sitting still for too long, doing a solitary activity for more than 20 minutes, or feeling otherwise restricted.  If only I’d known about this before! Going forward, this is going to be a huge help, especially in the teen years I’m sure.  You definitely don’t want to discipline a T1 like you would with a different one.  T3 and T4 may be fine with Time Outs (T4’s love the time alone), but T1’s can’t handle stifling their energy like that and T2’s emotional response would be a damaging thing.

This knowledge has been hugely helpful in smoothing daily routines.  If she doesn’t want to go to bed, I propose we have a race there or do something silly on the way there like walk backwards or see who can carry the most things (cleaning up is tough for her too unless it’s fun).  She really protests brushing her teeth, but I made that into a fun game a few months ago, with various toothpastes, guessing games, and silly ideas.  I haven’t figured out the picky eating thing yet, but making food look fun has helped, as has having fun games at the table.

Why just walk to school when you could do a word search on the way?

If I need cooperation from my T1 daughter, I’ve got to make it fun for her in some way.  As a T2, this can be exhausting sometimes.  Type 1’s need to be asked “what can we do to make this more fun?” and T2 “What do you need in order for this to feel comfortable to you?”

Also, since discovering the EP method, she and I are able to discuss openly each other’s strengths and tendencies.  By Dressing My Truth as a T2, I am showing her how to embrace your natural self.  When I tell her that she hurt my feelings by talking to me a certain way, which she’s long forgotten, she respects that.  Interestingly, the most important thing for a T1 is having a happy and stable home.  If someone is irritated or frustrated, my daughter does. not. like. it.

Once adolescence hits, I am going to have to remember to lay off giving her too much structure.  Her random nature and natural free-spirited energy might be hard for me, but I don’t want to push her away by being too restrictive about cleaning her room or following through with ideas.  I’m hoping that I’m teaching her at an early age that we clean up after ourselves and we value our possessions.  As she grows, her friends will become very important to her and honestly, I am looking forward to that.

Since reading this book, I have made it a point to tell my daughter that her enthusiastic energy and creative ideas are valuable.  She really is a gift and she really does make those around her smile.  I want her to know that she doesn’t need to change in order to be considered worthwhile or to be loved.

Carol has a very cool infographic about all of this right here on her Child Whisperer blog.  You will also find there incredible resources to help you in parenting or grandparenting a child … Also, I highly recommend this blog post called “15 Things You Should Give Up To Be A Happy Parent.”

Her weekly Child Whisperer podcast draws 30,000 listeners.  I am catching up on the dozens of topics in the archives.  Oh, and read my original post about how you might be fighting your true nature too!