“Besides the noble art of getting things done, there is a nobler art of leaving things undone… The wisdom of life consists in the elimination of nonessentials.” ~Lin Yutang, Chinese writer and educator
I receive a daily parenting message that suggested that there are two components to every problem: the actuality and then our perception of the actuality. We “can be accepting and still desire change. And change happens “easily” when we’re at peace with WHAT IS.” In other words, the internal struggle and emotion of last week could have been a lot easier for me if I would have gone easy on myself, stopped judging myself, and let go of certain expectations of myself and of my daughter.
First there’s the reality of our day-to-day, then there’s the overlapping internal dialogue that there’s something wrong with it. Yesterday morning, as I was getting a chance to rest from the stresses of this past week with my daughter, I read this e-mail (which ironically I received on Thursday, though I didn’t read it then) and it dawned on me that perhaps I’m the problem, not her or the situation. I mean, maybe there’s actually no problem at all!
“What? I read about your day last week. It was pretty awful!” Yes, it was, but what if it’s really my perception that it was awful instead of the actual events of the day? In thinking about it more and more, I can see that I was sleep-deprived, which is a huge red flag right there. Other than that, there was absolutely nothing different about our Wednesday and Thursday from any other weekday.
My expectation of how the days should have gone was far different from the actuality, and so of course I kept running into brick walls every which way I turned. My daughter doesn’t judge a sink full of dirty cups and plates as any sort of problem. She does not care if my bed is made. She is fine with a cluttered house. Get three hours sleep? Let’s be whiney and tired. Why not??? She sees the world just as it is and accepts it just as it is. She is not judging it at all.
I'm telling this to myself!
So why am I? I’m full of “shoulds” about the upkeep of our house and the structure of our days. But what if I just accepted it all as it is and stopped labeling it or expecting it to be different? This, within reason, is part of “letting myself off the hook,” right?
And then another realization… I seem to be constantly judging the events of my day and telling myself how beneath me it all is. “You are mediating between two toddlers screaming “mine” at the top of their lungs… surely you didn’t go to graduate school to do that!” “You’re a smart person with lots of ability… why are you spending your days ferrying between playgroup and preschool and music class and the park and the grocery store and …”
Well no wonder I am unhappy lately. Bored too. But I wonder if I really am unhappy and bored or if I’m trying to talk myself into it. My internal dialogue lately has been pretty negative. I think at heart I enjoy slowing down, seeing the world through a child’s eyes, teaching someone things for the very first time. I think I’d be happier if I told “Judgey McJudgerson” to take a hike and simply relaxed into this new routine. I think I am creating this pressure myself. (Well, of course I am… nobody is telling me that any of the items on my to do list must get done.) I am comparing myself to my friends who choose to spend their days in an office… you know, with other adults… sitting by themselves… going to the restroom in peace… earning money… getting things done. And I’m also comparing myself to some ideal version of myself who manages to read a book a week, see her friends, contribute to the world around her, have a homemade dinner on the table every night, hear about her spouse’s day every night, call her family often, pursue hobbies, etc.)
Friends tell me to be kind to myself. Nurture myself. Slow down. (How can I slow down when I am always telling myself to speed up? Where did these false expectations come from?)
Not very long ago, I considered myself fortunate to be able to stay home with my daughter and witness each new development. I’d like to get back to that perspective. I also had simple expectations of each day and I could end it with feelings of satisfaction and accomplishment (and the usual exhaustion).
Accepting what is. It’s just a small tweak in perspective, but it could change everything. What do you think?
I think you are on the right track. In my 30s, I read a book called “Telling Yourself the Truth” and it changed my life. Suddenly, I saw how it was my perspective that was getting in the way…not all those people around me that needed to change. I still struggle with this, too much of a perfectionist, but there is hope. I’ll be praying that you find your way through this. Know that you are not alone in the struggle (even though it feels like that, I would bet).
Thank you, Cheryl. I just need to remember this “in the moment” when it does feel very lonely.
I think your heart is altogether beautiful
and that the process that led you to this place
and these brilliant questions
has pure and fiesty worth
and has been time well spent
and that you’ve landed somewhere luscious
and your little one is oh so blessed to be
with you:)
-Jennifer
Ah I thank you, friend.
I love your blog,raising children is a delicate balance between what we want to do, what we need to do and what they want to do. having children in the house gives your the opportunity and the excuse to enjoy the world with child like wonder, with them, through their eyes. I use to tell the world (and myself) I owned them that, it seem to get me off the hook for not getting the dishes done! I miss my children, no one seems to appreciate that my dishes are done.
Where’s the “like” button?
I sometimes wonder why it is that I can see the beauty in a flower, or a teeny tiny bug upon a flower, but I don’t see as easily the beauty in my loved ones. I think it is a matter of being too close and losing site of the big picture. And with a child, not differentiating enough between what I want and what the child wants. At least that is how it was for me as a parent. I remind myself frequently of an incident that happened when my son was about 4. I had a job where I needed to be there by 7:30. This was a constant struggle to get him ready, myself ready, dropped off at the daycare & then through rush hour traffic to my job downtown. The trip from home to work, provided there wasn’t too much time spent at the daycare, was about 40 minutes. One summer day, as we were walking to our car, a typical hurried and harried morning, Ben stopped and refused to budge until I walked back from the garage to the patio. I was so angry over this delay. And then I arrived at the patio. “Look, Mommy” he said. “Aren’t the ants interesting. I think they’ll having a battle.” I felt so awful for being angry. Isn’t that what a 4 yr old is suppose to be: inquisitive? How different our world is from theirs. I was late to work that day. I didn’t care. I wish that I remembered that day more often than I did when he was growing up.
What a great anecdote, Anne. It’s true I need to focus on more of the spirit of childhood. 🙂
I have absolutely no idea how you did all that you did before 7:30am!
I don’t either. I can only guess at two things: I was a lot younger and I had no other choice! I don’t know how on earth I would do that now! 🙂