All of a sudden, there’s space. Glorious empty space for breathing and relaxing into, like a large soft chair with a chenille blanket and a cup of chamomile tea offering cozy reflection time. I’m not sure what prompted the shift in perspective, for that’s exactly what it is… A different way of processing pretty much exactly the same circumstances.
Sweet girl still needs me as much (dare I say “more than”?) as always, asking for my time and attention and dreading separations, but I don’t mind anymore. I seem to have acquired the ability to distance myself from the emotion that is this three and a half year old spinning ball of energy and moods, yet still observe and respond as need requires, like before. Is this the observer mind that my mindfulness books speak of? I wonder only because I don’t feel detached or distant… I love her more fiercely and completely today than yesterday, if that’s possible. All of a sudden, I appreciate who she is in and of herself and love watching her grow and change.
There are some circumstances that prompt an ironic wink or a conspiratorial chuckle from deep within. I can’t seem to find the familiar feelings of frustration and anger when my daughter changes her mind yet again, as she often does. I see myself as part of a motherhood chain that goes back through time. Surely I am the same prehistoric mother who had to run back into the cave for her child’s forgotten security object (perhaps a spoon? A leaf? I don’t know… Were kids allowed childhoods back then or were they put right to work?)
I’ve tried for all these days to get beyond my limitation of exasperation and that sense that too much is being taken from me (time, energy, physical space) with not nearly enough left for myself or anyone else… when I would carry a magazine article around all day but not get even a few minutes to read it, or wanting a lazy day when I didn’t have to entertain another person with craft projects, snacks and meals, fun outings or educational teachings.
Sure, I still want those things. But all of a sudden, I see this little person as transient, growing up all too soon and off to live her own life away from me. I have heard from enough empty nesters to realize that the gift of witnessing a childhood should not be wished away. So I am noticing and reveling in all of it… the irrational outbursts, the prideful accomplishments, the firsts and seconds and even the mundane thirds, with a sense of humor and perspective. About time!
I don’t have to solve her “problems” or heal her wounds. She simply needs me to be there. My presence, my attention, my enfolding arms are the most important right now.
Really nice post, Naomi. It’s great to see you some parenting perspective amid cool photos :).
Because my first husband, my son’s father, died when my son was in Kindergarten I have been far more protective than is good for either one of us. Now, at 21, he’s ‘forcing’ me to let go (shouldn’t I have done this ages ago? Say, at least when he was a Sophomore in high school?) as he prepares to enter the Marines. Being a mother isn’t easy, finding the balance between being there and holding back when it’s necessary is still something I’m trying to achieve. Fortunately, he teaches me, too.
I definitely understand that tendency. And yes, I find that my daughter teaches me far more profoundly than I could ever teach her.
I see that now with my granddaughter. This year she is into herself, although learning to be an adult. Last summer she was totally devoted to me. Next year we do not know. Fortunately I have a number of grandchildren and one is always in the right spot.
That’s a good perspective to have. I DO know that all things pass… the good and the bad! It’s that thought that led to my peaceful mind, I think. Thanks for reading!
Your post shares it so well. I remember those days. Mallory wouldn’t even let me go outside and mow the grass without her. She would follow behind me while i did the whole lawn. She was very much a home body and not very adventurous. Now she goes to school 8 hours away, has a very active social life, and spends most of the summer in Montana working with the Native Americans, backpacking and summiting mountains. She still changes her mind a lot and can’t make decisions and the mood can change on a dime. I think that is called being “a girl”.
Sarah
Yes! I had the same thing with vacuuming. “Had?” “Have!” I guess it gets better?
It’s true, they grow all too fast, Naomi, and it can be hard to appreciate the whirlwind when you’re in the middle of it. Finding your space so you can keep your sanity is vital to being a good parent. Best advice I ever got on childrearing came from our pediatrician when he said, “Remember, you are not dealing with a rational human being.” I found that insight as valid in the teen years as it was during the toddler era.
Yes, I’m hoping that if i can “master” the toddler years then the teenage years will be similar and manageable. Here’s hoping!
Children do teach us so much don’t they? I too have moments like you are expressing here. Just don’t be alarmed if cranky mommy comes back as she often does with me. All you need to do is to remind yourself of these peaceful feelings. Lucky you wrote this great post to refer back to! Btw, I tell my kids when “cranky mommy” is back! They help me get the peaceful mommy back again 🙂
Oh yes. Just last night, we all got about three hours of sleep and that does not help with being patient!
Yes balance in all I had a very fiery relationship with my daughter who is now 29 but she has grown up as a wonderful strong person who I would do anything for.. Our babies are always our babies…..
But thank goodness for friends who can show you there’s light at the end of the tunnel!
I do believe you have found balance. And a way to not only heal your daughter but also yourself and those others whom you love. You Go!!!