I am an intuitive and sensitive person by nature. It can be a positive ability to be able to sense others’ emotions and moods. But what we do with that energy is what I want to talk about here. There was a time in my life when I would absorb anyone’s moods and become unsettled and anxious if they weren’t calm or happy.
The examples are plentiful. That coworker who wouldn’t speak to me and refused to tell me why, thus causing me to walk on eggshells every time I was around her and to think of nothing else but what I could have done to so upset her. Not only was it unhelpful to absorb all this negative energy, but it was self-centered and a sign that I myself was off balance. The boss who was in a bad mood for reasons probably completely unrelated to work, but making me anxious and fearful nonetheless. Even my husband, whose work stress often comes out in his tone of voice. I used to easily let this change my own mood. Basically, I could never relax (unless I was alone) because my sense of stability always depended on something/someone external.
It dawned on me while reading about this in a marriage book that I am currently able to self-soothe. Something has radically shifted and I didn’t even realize it! David Schnarch, in his book Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships
Schnarch writes that “self-soothing involves turning inward and accessing your own resources to regain your emotional balance.” In guiding couples in overcoming emotional blocks, he highlights how “connection with your partner requires solid connection with yourself.” If those earlier situations were to arise now, I think I would handle them differently. I can separate myself from a friend’s emotion and wait (maybe not entirely calmly but at least realizing that the ball is entirely in her court and the upset is all her own) until she can communicate with me more effectively and we can resolve the situation. I can separate myself from that boss, allowing her to have her bad mood and myself to remain unfazed. And every day, I interact with my husband without (mostly) getting pulled into his stress. I am more productive, more of a friend, and stronger as a person with this ability to remain on my own two feet.
How did this change come about? Schnarch suggests that “going through – not around – crises often triggers differentiation.” The key to interdependence is that it’s only safe to focus on your partner when you have an unshakable center within yourself. I think it must be parenthood that has finally caused this change within me. I simply wouldn’t have made it through if I’d been swayed by every emotion my toddler exhibited in a day! Somewhere along the journey, I learned to quiet myself and to stand strong, to be that calm presence for my daughter. In being able to do so, every other relationship I have is more of an asset to me.
What a realization! Feel free to share in the comments how you absorb or reflect others’ emotions.
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Naomi,
Another sensitive and intuitive sister signing in here!! I was in my 50s before learning I did not have to please everyone…before not constantly worrying how everyone else felt. And like you, my shift came while working with children. It dawned on me that these little souls did not need to see my many moods. They needed to have a constant.
I also discovered I felt better about myself and I quickly became more comfortable in my new skin! Thank you for so many good things to think about!
Ruth Packard recently posted…Getting Ready for Summer
I’m so glad you commented here, Ruth. It’s nice to hear how many women this seems to affect. And I’m glad you discovered this for yourself too!
What a beautiful awareness and growth! I love those nuggets that happen in our lives and all of a sudden we notice that something has shifted. Beautiful!
Michele Bergh recently posted…Heidi Neubauer – May 2013
It’s a work in progress for me. Sometimes I notice that the feelings I am having are not mine, I am just reflecting the person close to me. Then I’m able to stop and stand strong. Other times I don’t even notice I’m doing it.
Tat recently posted…How do we raise children with abundant mindsets?
Exactly, Tat! Just like in practicing mindfulness or thinking before reacting, it’s all about noticing our thoughts. That’s the tough part, right?
I work with people to help them develop their intuition – and what you wrote here is so critical. It’s not just about realizing we have intuition – it’s about developing the appropriate relationship to intuition. As a child, I would often feel overwhelmed by my ability, instead of being empowered by it. What I learned – was that I have the power to give the excess energy, the parts I can’t handle by myself to the universe, and to have faith that my abilities will be used as they are needed.
I think that there are so many out there who are bombarded by the negativity – but I would say that when you work with your intuition – and understand how to tap into the level of high wisdom – then you start to see grace at every turn.
Michael recently posted…Massive Heart-Based Business Owner Mistake #1
There’s so much I love about what you wrote here, Michael. Intuition is so important in creating art, I find. I also agree that conserving energy that would have been spent on wasted thoughts and worry helps a great deal. Tapping into that wisdom is what it’s all about, isn’t it?
The images are lovely! I have learned over many years of taking on the negative energies of others, to firmly fix my boundaries! As an intuitive, it is even more important to be present but not absorb the negativity we are bombarded with.
Belinda Rose recently posted…A New Earth
Hi Naomi,
I love the image. The mouth is a black hole. lol… I also share this trait, like many of the other people leaving comments! How healing it is to turn our attentions to taking good care of ourselves and being models for other through our behavior rather than through our words. We are all learning every day. I loved this post. I agree with Janet about your posts having a wonderful meatiness to them! 🙂
Amy Putkonen recently posted…Gearing Up & Starting Over
Thank you, Amy. Sometimes I wonder if it’s too much, but I can’t help myself. 🙂
It was a huge aha moment when I realized that I can control my thoughts, my attitude, and my perspective. That really does seem to change everything. So much of what used to bother me is put in perspective that way. Of course, I have quite a ways to go and it often takes my husband to remind me to change my thinking!
Naomi, so lucky that you are finding these skills early in your life. I feel like it took me so long before I have been able to “self-soothe” as you talk about. Such an interesting topic that you have brought up here, thanks for sharing.
Sue recently posted…Comment on Are you ready for the beach?? by Sue
You’re right, Sue. I’m glad to have figured this out now. I still have a ways to go, of course.
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Naomi, Me, too, I am also sensitive and intuitive. And continuing to develop my self-soothing skills. Good for you for learning to quiet and calm yourself, not only for your daughter, but for YOU. And I so appreciate how your posts are so meaty, so substantial. Thank you.
Janet recently posted…Going with the flow
Aw, thanks, Janet! I feel the same for your posts actually. I think maybe it’s that sensitive nature that makes us share substantial thoughts.
Naomi, how wonderful to read this article when I REALLY needed it! I can relate totally with your experience. I am also easily swayed by other people’s emotion. According to Buddhism this happens because we are in the world of tranquility (Ten Worlds-Buddhism ) which can change rapidly. As we gain knowledge and apply it in our life, we get the wisdom. At this stage, we are more balanced. Thanks for sharing
Nupur recently posted…Graceful Transition
Nupur, I’m interested in learning more about this. I’ll have to find out more about these Ten Worlds and see where I fit.
Naomi, Read here –
http://buddhastate.com/2012/04/the-ten-worlds-and-their-mutual-possession/
If you like you can read a wonderful book by Richard Couston -Buddha in Daily Life. This book has helped me a lot. All the best
Nupur recently posted…Graceful Transition
This is such an interesting perspective Naomi – thank you for introducing me to Schnarch’s work. I’m sensitive and intuitive as well. Although it took a lot of effort, I feel very blessed at this point in my life to have developed healthy boundaries. And I’m glad to hear you’re finding that for yourself as well. It makes life a lot more delightful experience! (P.S. Lovely images!)
Deborah Weber recently posted…GIT – Spin Doctors
I can so relate to the absorbing of others moods. I also used to do that and somehow along the way I too found that this type of behavior is so unproductive and self damaging. I think my children must have taught me that also. What wonderful little teachers they are! I find that the more I learn to center myself the easier it is to focus on the other person.
That’s so true, Stacie. In the book, the author talks about hugging another person. We have to be solid on our own two feet so that we don’t both topple over, which is what I frequently see my daughter do when she hugs her friends. They almost always end up giggling on the floor! Somehow along the way, we find our balance.
Such thoughtful words…I am also sensitive and intuitive. It can definitely make life stressful! Your photos are lovely.
Sherri B. recently posted…Iphoneography: Painterly Images with Distressed FX and Glaze
gorgeous image
and wonderful words….thank you,
Jennifer
Lovely Naomi and so important. Thanks for posting.