Every Wednesday for the next 5 weeks (October 23-November 20), my dear friend Amy (of Tao Te Ching Daily) and I will collaborate on a set of essays with a pair of photos. We each are writing on the topic that the photo evokes and then briefly responding to what the other wrote, so you’ll get to read both essays and see both photographs. Neat, huh?
Amy and I recorded a very short audio introduction to our series, which you can listen to here. I thought it would be super weird to listen to my voice, but we sound pretty awesome, I think! Have a listen.
OK, here we go…
Tao Te Ching: Chapter 52
Mother is the beginning of the Universe.
When one understands the mother,
one understands the child.
When one knows the child,
one is also close to the mother
and the spirit will never be exhausted.
Except for those all too few nights when my daughter sleeps the entire night in her own room, if you are looking for me between the hours of 3pm and 9am, you will usually find two people. To the smaller one of us, I am the beginning, the (loooong) middle, and the end. I am safety, love, reassurance, and cuddles. To her, I am as close to the Source of pure Love as if she were still in my womb growing and gaining nutrients. Separation anxiety lingering at almost age 5? This seems to me to be something beyond that cliche of a developmental milestone.
“They” say we never repeat our parents’ mistakes. (Instead we repeat those of our other ancestors, I guess.) Motherhood gives me a lens with which to look back on my own childhood and it also provides a perspective of the future.
As a young child, I was slow to separate as well, nervous to be left at preschool or alone at night. My own mother was also a hesitant child, but her mother did not force the issue, choosing to let her be. It’s not surprising then that when confronting the same behavior in her first-born, she tried appearing unsympathetic and matter-of-fact about separations to encourage me to grow. I remember one image from a new ballet class at age 5 when I was inconsolable and my mother marched me over to the long mirror in front of the classroom and said, “Look at yourself. You look ridiculous.” Did this work to move me toward separation and independence? No. I was ashamed to need her so much but could do nothing to snap out of it. And yet I eventually went (very reluctantly) to sleep-away camps and then (willingly) college and grad school and am now 100% loving and appreciating but not needing my parents. It simply took me a bit longer to get there than they would have liked.
My parents had three children and two jobs (and we always had various pets). 30 years later, I have one child whose month-long inconsolable screaming at daycare led me toward eventually having no 8-5 commitment right now. That cavernous need in my daughter echoes my own childhood needs, and so I feel that I understand it somewhat. I can see how one little person can be all-consuming. But if you don’t have endless hours to pour into that heart, or you just don’t understand or know what to do to fill it, I suppose it heals itself in time.
I’ve been frustrated many times at my sweet girl’s tight hold on me. Maybe it’s genetic. Maybe there’s a deeper meaning behind this need of hers. Maybe I am helping to heal a past life of neglect or abuse. I am hoping that by filling her need of me (within reason, of course) until she feels that the need has been met, I am allowing her to become more self-assured, a girl confident of her abilities and whole unto herself. I can see that her creative abilities are flourishing, her language is exploding at an exponential rate, and she is more and more beginning to trust herself. That blossoming in her gives me the freedom to pursue my own unpaved path, free from whatever shackles remain from long ago and open to a limitless, unhindered future.
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Please read Amy’s thoughts here. I love the idea that we are putting our best ideas and selves into our parenting, trying to make each generation better than the one that came before it. Personally, I think of it almost as if I’m baking something that takes 20 years to be “ready.” Every single day, I am consciously trying to add ingredients that are positive and I leave out the little negative thoughts that pop into my head. I am practicing being my best almost every single moment of every single day when I am with my daughter… at least until bedtime!
Please do read Amy’s post and also share your thoughts with us. We will be back next Wednesday with Part 2 of our series!
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Amy Putkonen writes regularly about the Tao Te Ching at her blog, Tao Te Ching Daily. She challenges you to reflect on Taoist principles in real life situations and see where it takes you. Stop by and say hello!
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Naomi Wittlin is a photographer, blogger, and artist who lives in Houston, TX with her husband and 4-year-old daughter. She welcomes visitors and new subscribers at poeticaperture.com.
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Our collaborative photo-essay series will feature 10 of Naomi’s photographs, all of which are available for purchase as a pack of blank greeting cards. To see all the images and for details, please click the photo to the left.
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What a fun idea and a lovely first installment.
Deborah Weber recently posted…Mining My Week for Treasures: 10/26/13
Thank you, Deborah. We are enjoying it!! Amy has an idea we want to involve you in too. 🙂
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I love this joint project you are doing with Amy! The two perspectives are priceless. You speak of your daughter with such loving grace, it really touches my heart. She is lucky to have a mother like you and must know it to be so deeply connected 🙂
Michele Bergh recently posted…Suzanne McRae – October 2013
Aw, thanks so much, Michelle!!
My world was a dangerous place when I was growing up and I struggle with that today. So it makes me very sad that your mom told you you looked ridiculous. Bless you for doing all you can to help your daughter and also take care of yourself. I believe it is possible to send kind and loving energy to others and I am sending that to you and your daughter.
Thank you, Patti. I’m so sad to hear of your experience growing up. I always felt loved, even if I didn’t feel understood. If only there were blogs then… Maybe I’d have found some kindred souls.
Hi Naomi, I love your image for this post, it is such a beautiful way of including your family. I know from reading your blog for a while now that she is a big part of your life, and I admire that you work so hard to be a more thoughtful and creative person for both of you! I remember when my kids were little a grandmother said to me, the minutes see very long when you live with a little one, but before long the years are gone, and they have moved on, with their lives. I am looking forward to following your blog through the collaborating.
Janice recently posted…Highline Park, NYC
This is such a great idea…it will be so much fun to check in each week and see what’s happening…
Cheryl recently posted…Orange is Not the Only Fall Color
I am thrilled for you and Amy to have created this beautiful Wednesday morning read.
Naomi, you always express yourself with such beautiful, authenticity, truth and bravery. H is very lucky (in many ways) to have you as her Mommy.
And yes, I love what you wrote about “baking til done”. As moms, will we ever be done with that process? Now that my daughter is 13, it’s interesting to see how the ingredients have evolved over time.
Much love to you.
Thanks!! I know that I’m blessed to be friends with YOU!!
So interesting to read about your memories of being similar to H when you were young!
I feel certain that you are doing the right thing in giving your daughter as much emotional support as possible when she is 5. I am no authority, but I feel that I didn’t get that as a small child, and I’ve been paying the price the rest of my life. I am a very anxious traveler, especially when I have lost track of my traveling companion, and I have this inner belief that the world is a hostile, dangerous place.
Susanna, I feel for you in your anxiety because I’ve been there myself. I used to walk around all the time with my arms crossed in front of me because I thought a random stranger was going to punch me in the stomach. I think we give best what we ourselves lacked and learned to give ourselves too… I am healed of those fears now. Maybe the world is that, but there are pockets of warmth and kindness too. Thank you so much for commenting and reading!
We could just go back and forth forever, Naomi! lol… This is the first time I read your response. Fun. One thing I really admired about your post is how revealing you were about yourself. You are so brave and authentic and it helps me to look at myself with more compassion. To me, this is what Lao Tzu is talking about when he talks of humility (in the Tao Te Ching). There is something so inherently strong in someone who has the courage to be revealing of their mistakes.
I loved your comment about how parenting is like a very long baking project too. Yes, it is!
Amy Putkonen recently posted…Photo Essays with Naomi Wittlin {@PoeticAperture.com}
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