How is humility connected to anger?

Last week I wrote about the concept of a personal spiritual curriculum.  One task of Mussar is coming to understand the many “soul traits” that make up every human being and how each of these inner qualities plays out in your personal life.  It tells us that at our core we are all holy, and shows us ways to change those qualities within us that obstruct the light of our holiness from shining through.  The individual balance of the traits within us are what make each of us uniquely who we are. The degree, or measure, of the characteristics that live in each of our souls is what we are to pay attention to.

One of the 48 focuses of Mussar is humility.  You may think of being humble as I used to: some version of being unobtrusive, respectful, and modest.  Interestingly, the Hebrew word for humble (anavah) has nothing to do with that; it means knowing the exact truth of your own abilities and accomplishments, neither inflating nor deflating yourself.  It means “occupying your rightful space.” 

In his new book, With Heart in Mind: Mussar Teachings to Transform Your Life, Alan Morinis writes that “the ideal is to be so clear on who you are and your place in your own life that you neither inflate beyond what is real (we’d call that arrogance) nor retract from filling out the space that is yours to occupy (self-nullification).  Space, in this context, can be physical but also emotional, psychological, financial, and so on.  It is as much a spiritual obstacle to occupy more space around you than is warranted as it is to hold back on making your presence felt to the full extent of your potential.  Humility therefore involves having a true and accurate vision of yourself.”

The viewpoint that we should use to look at our own capabilities is one of impartial gratitude.  I have a nice singing voice and using it is truly a form of prayer for me, but that does not need to be a source of pride.  Rather, we should ask, “what is the source of this talent?” Did I create my brain, body, and vocal chords with all their complexity? No one of us is better than another, for we all succeed and fail as a result “of many factors playing through us, many of them beyond our influence.” None of our abilities are self-created.  It is ok to acknowledge our talents and accomplishments, but we must also ask, “in what way am I responsible for these qualities that reside in me? Are they not gifts I have received?”

Since Mussar identifies our noisy and complicated everyday life as the ideal place to work at spiritual growth, I want to share with you why this is one of my own inner characteristics that I need to focus on.

One of our lessons about humility also focused on another closely related soul trait, anger. “When we express anger, we are often putting our own opinion, our desires, the way we think things should be, ahead of others and most importantly, ahead of God.”  When we lose our temper, we become overpowered by the emotion, letting anger become the master the angry person serves.

In high school growing up, I remember feeling “better than” other students because I grasped concepts before they did, got better grades, or was taking more complicated classes than others were, like calculus or computer programming.  In graduate school, the scales were reversed and I felt completely inadequate because I was slow to understand classical Greek writings on logic, rhetoric and dialectic.  (I definitely would have benefited from some perspective at the time!)

I have sometimes found myself resentful that one ability of mine, singing and song leading, is not utilized or appreciated as it could be.  I long ago learned that if we relate to our lives “through the lens of the self, and if there is any distortion in that lens, then everything else in our lives will appear distorted as well.” Looking at these situations impartially, I am called to recognize that perhaps my “talent” isn’t that great, maybe there are other factors at work, or it could be that my expectations may be incorrect to begin with.

Regardless the reasons, I admit that I’ve been angry at being denied the opportunity to share my voice.  Who am I to want this? Am I wishing to share my ability for my own pleasure or for the spiritual movement of others? I might be an effective teacher, but I am lousy at classroom management, and I feel bad about that, so am I simply looking for another way to belong and be recognized as having a contribution to make? And is this ok?

The daily “A Little Birdie Told Me” e-mail messages from Melody Ross of the Brave Girls Club always speak to the heart of the matter, and this one from last week is no exception:

None of the feelings that arise in me in these circumstances are pleasant.  I recognize that I am overly preoccupied with myself and am not focusing on the Source of these abilities and what they may be intended for.  I am not able to be full of gratitude, using my voice to worship, if I am thinking negative thoughts.  “My rightful place” may very well be exactly where I already am!

Humility and self-esteem go hand in hand.  “Humility is not an extreme quality, but a balanced, moderate, accurate understanding of where you actually fit in life.  When you understand humility in terms of the space you occupy, it’s important to clarify that we are not all meant to occupy the same amount of space.”

One Mussar master taught that every difficult situation any of us face is a test or a spiritual assignment for us to work out (there’s that personal curriculum again).  In this case, we are not asked to completely rid ourselves of all anger, for some measure of anger can be a good thing, spurring us toward opposing injustice, for example.  We are guided to focus our efforts on where we get angry and how, as well as understanding its root causes.

Here’s the kicker: “When anger starts to build within us, we are usually beset by a sense of righteousness… that is anything but humble.” In the Mussar view, arrogance is a skewed manifestation of a lack of self-esteem.  A humble person would know his/her exact space and occupy it with contentment.

“One who craves attention from others has not yet found himself; he is unaware of his true worth.  Lacking self-esteem, he depends on the opinion of others.  He hungers for their praise, for without their appreciation he feels worthless.  When people fail to applaud him he becomes helpless, and therefore, hostile and angry.” ~ Rabbi Shlomo Wolbe

Anger reveals dependency.  Wow.  That realization struck me as hugely and wholly true.  I am unsure how exactly to work on it, but acknowledging that it’s there feels like a good first step.

As Melody wrote, “When we do things from a soul-deep place, we must find our validation from the Source of those things — not from what others on the outside think about what we are doing or how we are doing it.”

The Mussar masters advocate gradual change involving routine and regular practice.  I am learning.  I never said I was perfect… yet I am still shocked by this revelation that I have work to do to adjust my own sense of humility.  Awareness is the first step, right?