“I can’t think about one more thing.”
“I don’t have time to exercise every day.”
“I don’t want to put forth the effort that healthy cooking (and grocery shopping) would entail.”
“I have other things to think about besides what I put in my mouth.”
Peter writes, “If you don’t have the psychological wherewithal to identify that a problem exists, then make a conscious decision to do something about it, and then actually stick to a plan even when it doesn’t feel good, it’s likely that lots of different things could pop up, obesity and clutter being only a couple of them.” Meaning… there are lots of other factors involved here than just eating.
Walsh has consulted experts about poor impulse control (check), generalized anxiety disorder (check), depression (check… in the past), and, my favorite, inattentiveness (double check).
He says it’s not like people deliberately make decisions to eat too much. Rather, it’s a series of momentary feel-good choices made when bored, uncomfortable, distracted, or unsettled. Some people shop (the clutter issue); some people eat. It’s never just about the end result. It’s about how it happened in the first place. “[It] develops because of your mood, your emotions, your attitudes, and your behaviors—and each is intimately connected to the others.”
“You don’t need to have a full-fledged, diagnosable case of depression, anxiety, or ADHD for this to apply to you, either. Milder relatives of these problems—respectively, feeling blue, stressed, unfocused, or impulsive—can affect your purchasing and eating habits. Knowing whether any of these issues are lurking in your mind will put you in a better position to confront them and separate them from your eating habits and your attitudes toward acquiring and hanging on to possessions.”
Yep, it takes commitment. Big time. “A healthy, well-maintained body requires personal commitment and effort. When someone tells me that she doesn’t have time, I wonder why she feels that she’s not valuable enough to make the effort. You give time to what you believe is important.”
Remember how I’m studying and trying to practice humility? I just read an essay in Musar For Moderns
Here’s where true humility comes in. “If I truly believe what I profess to believe, I don’t need anyone’s approval. Compliments and recognition are irrelevant. The inner richness of one’s personality is more than sufficient; the only concern is, Am I doing enough? Am I fulfilling my destiny?” If we believe we are divine souls, we must try even harder to stretch to the level which such a soul could possibly attain.
We have not done quite so much. We can always be doing much more than we are. Humility. (And that lack of discipline also mentioned earlier!)
So, yeah, it seems I have a self-esteem issue that snuck up on me. I am seriously working on it and I am amazed that my just-begun weight loss journey is connected to Mussar! Then again, I suppose that’s the idea. Even at my first Weight Watchers meeting earlier this week, the leader talked about gratitude, mindfulness, and sharing emotions.
As Peter Walsh believes, in order to have long-term success with weight (and clutter), “you can’t just do. You also have to think.” That leads to the other problem I’m facing in these chaotic, early childhood, kindergarten field trips, can’t-sleep-through-the-night-yet, always-on-the-run, only-eats-five-foods, needy days… I am preoccupied by so many distractions that I can’t even successfully get through a Target trip! I drop coupons because I’m talking to my daughter, usually about why we can’t buy everything we want. During checkout, I forget about the things I’ve put under the cart because my daughter is sitting in the cart, or rather, standing up in the wobbly cart and trying to sign the signature pad for me… and thankfully someone reminds me to pay for those hidden things too. And I usually forget to buy at least three things we need because I didn’t put them on my list right away before I forgot.
Peter (Can I call him that? I feel like I know him sort of) says people trying to declutter or lose weight have one thing in common, at least: “They are frequently not engaged in their own lives” and “they’re preoccupied by so many distractions they’re just not thinking.” Ahem. That explains why I sent in the school fundraiser paperwork without the actual check. And forgot to get a doctor’s note for school. And many other foibles because my mind was in lots of other places.
“If your mind continues to be unhappy, overstressed, and unfocused, your drive to maintain your improvements will fade. To make deep, lasting changes to the appearance of your body and home, you’re going to have to use your mind differently than before.”
“I want you to do the following: Work with your mind, not for it. Avoid blindly following your impulses. Observe the things your mind is telling you, without immediately obeying its commands or spending time arguing with it.” And the wisdom goes on.
I think the link between weight gain/loss and self-esteem is fascinating and it makes sense. Only when I FINALLY got to the point that I consciously began taking care of myself by taking time-intensive and unenjoyable things off my list and adding in spiritually refreshing viewpoints on parenting and life in general do I begin being ready to focus on losing the excess weight and being healthier.
PLEASE share your thoughts and brilliant shards of insight. I’m listening.
P.S. I really hope this post makes sense… the little one is under the weather and I’m writing this as we both watch “Jessie…” again.
Your comment on how true humility would mean that compliments and praise are irrelevant reminded me of a quote from Deepak Chopra.
“The opinions of other people – good or bad – are none of my business.”
I remind myself of that when someone gives me a negative opinion on something however I find it harder to remind myself of that one when it is a positive comment! Hmmmm…
Elda recently posted…How To Cope If YOU Are The Black Sheep
That Deepak quote helped me so much. When I got parenting advice that I thought I disagreed with, it stuck with me and bothered me. If I really thought that what I was doing was right, it shouldn’t have mattered what anyone else thought (besides Mr. B). But it did… so your quote here caused me to realize that I actually agreed with them. I took action to take back control and set some limits.
I think there’s some scientific basis for what you say about negative and positive. I read somewhere that our brains naturally focus on the negative much more than the positive. I can’t remember the reason for it evolutionarily… but it’s why I keep a “feel good” folder. When I need inner strength, that’s where I go.
I love this post. Peter’s book sounds brilliant. I think it’s at my local library, so I’m going to pop over there soon and reserve a copy. If they let me check anything else out, that is. 😉
One of the things that has helped me a great deal in losing weight is just plain emotional awareness. By becoming aware of my emotions, feeling them in my body as physical sensations, embracing them and not suppressing them, I’ve been able to lose about ten pounds with seeming effortlessness.
The emotional awareness work lessens my food cravings and helps me be more aware of my food choices. Most importantly, though, it helps me to know my body’s own signals for hunger and fullness, which is the key to keeping weight healthy.
Of course, this involves slowing down and giving yourself time — not an easy task when you’ve got little kids who need you.
Keep us posted on your journey!
Harmony Harrison recently posted…Coming Clean: Miss Addie Had a Hairball (Plus surprising hairball facts that you never learned in Cat Parenting School)
So wise! I agree with absolutely everything you write here. 🙂
I get this and I like the author very much…so I would trust his word…I’m going to buy the book because I could read it an also my daughter so it will be very helpful. I also lead a weight-loss group (TOPS) take off pounds sensibly each week and I’m always looking for new material to share…I never made the clutter connections because actually I don’t have to much clutter although it does seem to be growing lately but I see that in my daughter…
You sure are a digger of information Naomi…and you will succeed because you never give up…
Ha! I annoy myself sometimes. 🙂 Any method of sensible weight loss “makes sense” to me! My leader shared some helpful emotional tips… like don’t keep things bottled inside – get support, and focus on gratitude, …
A couple of weeks ago, when i was done at work, I picked the kids up from their after-school sport, we called hubby and asked if he wanted dinner, because we were going to stop for a quick meal at a fast food joint on our way to the walk-in clinic for sports physicals. It was a busy night. We finally got home around 8:30 without the promised meal. I apologized. Hubby grumbled. He asked how I could just forget him like that. I said that I forget all kinds of stuff, but if only we counted some of the things I actually accomplished in this day… I had to admit that it was a failure of my priorities. He was nowhere near the top that day, which is not in line with my true values. Since then, I think I’ve done a little better to keep the best stuff (or people) up near the top. And I’ve simply said “no” more often. Not reformed, but getting a little smarter every day. ☺
I’m sorry I am just now responding to your comment… I guess it’s the same thing as what happened to you that day – priorities got rearranged and life got crazy. I am definitely saying no more often and I like it!
I don’t know if it’s just me, but I seem to have a bigger problem with focus the older I get. I forget what I was doing at the drop of a hat. I have trouble completing tasks for work, especially the more complicated ones. I forget my grocery list (did that last week) and so on. I think lack of sleep can have that effect. I really enjoyed your essay, it makes me feel like I know you better. I completely agree about the root causes of overeating, in order to avoid that I’ve tried to cultivate an inner parent, who doesn’t really blame me for it, just tries to prevent that sort of thing from happening. I never buy the potato chips in the first place, because I know they are likely to just disappear, and make me feel bad afterwards.
OK that is the best idea! Think of yourself as 2… a guardian and then your base self. I agree that if I buy the M&Ms, they are getting eaten, so I don’t let myself bring them in the house. You should hear the inner dialogue. First I praise myself like crazy for passing the candy aisle with no trouble. But they put those snack bags right by the register! Evil people…
And thank you for saying it’s not just me! I overheard two new moms talking and one asked the other if they were more forgetful now. The answer was no, but she’s definitely more distracted. Hmmm.
YOU ARE TOTALLY WORTH IT!!!! <3
I agree with Christina! You are worth it.
And you are totally THE BEST!