My thinking spot
Each person in my family has what we call a “thinking spot.” It came about as a way to model for our daughter how to gain control of strong emotions in a healthy manner. Anytime one of us feels angry, frustrated, or not ready to speak calmly, we encourage them to go to their thinking spot as a way to calm down. It is probably why most parents use time-outs, except that instead of trying to end a negative behavior through enforced separation or reflection, which leads to defiance in this house, this is an attempt to cultivate positive emotions in a soothing environment. It is available any time, not only after negative behavior.
If someone needs to relax, regain focus, or remember who they most want to be, they can sit quietly in their thinking spot, surrounded by their favorite things. It assumes the best about someone: that they must not be themselves at the moment because they are not behaving in a positive, loving manner. We don’t necessarily need to discuss the cause of what made someone need to go there either, because they naturally come to it on their own while there. A few deep breaths helps immensely no matter what the issue is. There is usually an apology afterward too.
Every person’s thinking spot is different. Mr. B’s is simply his favorite living room chair where he can close his eyes for a few moments. My daughter’s is a comfy chair in a corner of her room and it is surrounded by a little bench of (unlit) scented candles (it’s very hard to cry or scream when you are trying to smell something), squeeze balls (for anger release), paper and markers for expressing emotions, and her CD player for soothing music.
My original thinking spot was taken over by the cat, and since I naturally gravitate toward spending time in our sunroom watching the birds and flowers, I made that my thinking spot. I enjoy spending time there every day. I rest, read, write, and enjoy being close to nature. It’s my favorite spot in the entire house.
There are times when my daughter is particularly exasperating and I will take a deep breath in front of her and say, “Wow. I am feeling very frustrated right now. I am going to go sit in my thinking spot for two minutes and then we can talk about this.” Not only does she see me trying to calm down before my emotions take over, but she also sees that it’s ok to separate from the situation for 2 minutes to take care of yourself. (I hope she will use this on the kindergarten playground or with her friends.) I want to teach her that it is best to speak calmly and rationally and to listen just as much. If we can’t do that, we usually end up at some extreme that we soon regret.
There are also times when she is very upset, repeating the same thing over and over again and not listening to any reason, when I will say, “Wow, you seem very angry. You need to go relax in your thinking spot until you can discuss this calmly.” And I walk away. Since it is a safe and comfy spot of her own creation, there is no resistance. Works every time!
And the best is when she will say to us, “I think it’s time for you to go to your thinking spot!” She usually recognizes our frustration before it escalates and likes to tell us we need a minute because, well, who wants to be with an angry parent? She is usually right.
I encourage you to try a thinking spot of your own, even if you live alone. It can only be a good thing to have a favorite spot where all your favorite things are, where you can go to find your center, remember your priorities, and focus. Let me know if you have one or try this!
My husband and I both have thinking spots, but I hadn’t really thought about it this way until reading your post. We often say that it has saved the marriage, because when things start to heat up, or we just need some time alone, the “code” is, I’ll be outside in the garage (for him) or in my studio (for me). We know what that means and can let go of the conversation then. Most likely, by the time the person re-emergences, we’ve both calmed down. It really is a great idea.
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My thinking spot is anywhere I can find a moment or two of quiet. Sometimes it is my easy chair in the living room…sometimes it’s outside in the quiet of the day…sometimes it is the bathroom. Yes, the bathroom! When you live in 400 sq feet with a hubby and two dogs, sometimes the bathroom is ones only salvation! LOL!
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As I was reading this and pondering where my thinking spot might be, I realized I’d like to call my eventual spot my Listening Spot … for me, I do plenty of thinking and overthinking but can always do more listening and learning. Love this concept and will definitely incorporate into my life and my younger daughter’s!
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I have a spot that has become My Thinking Spot. I am reading Writing Down Your Soul and I really want to make it a part of my routine to sit in My Thinking Spot for 15 minutes each morning and write – open up a dialogue with God.
Patti, I just got that book! I’m glad to hear it’s a good one… I’ll make time for it in my mornings too.
What a FABULOUS idea! I love how each person in the family has their own ‘thinking spot’ and you can hold each other accountable in a gentle way encouraging that person to go there when they may not realize their emotions are elevated.
Elda recently posted…7 Ways to Help Your Friends Deal with Estrangement
This is great, Naomi! A thinking spot! I would definitely choose a chair on the deck in fair weather. But in not-so-fair weather, it would be on my bed – where I am right now reading this. I can’t wait to do the book study of The Conscious Parent with you next month! You have such great ideas!
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I like this idea! Do you recall how you introduced it to your daughter and integrated it into your regular behavior?
Amy, I told her we were going to set them up and what I might put in mine and she got excited and ran off to set hers up. Hers definitely looks like mine. Lol.
I’m going to my thinking spot as soon as I call it quits for the day. My spot is the couch facing the front window overlooking what will someday be the pasture. 🙂 My dream is to eventually see animals grazing out there. That should calm me down in a heart beat. 🙂
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Such a lovely image your words create in my mind! Sounds very calming.
I absolutely love this idea! I think it is a wonderful way for everyone to be accountable for their feelings and not shamed by them. I want to do this in my house! Great post!!
Crystal Bissonnette recently posted…Being a Stay At Home “Mom-ster”
That’s a great way of putting it. Let me know how it goes!
I will have to try this with my kids! I have sort of been trying a small variation of this, but this seems much less complicated than what I was trying to do. I wish I had a thinking spot, but with 2, 2 years old and less, it is hard to find a place to go where they won’t follow you haha.
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Melissa, that is so true. I sometimes have to set a 2-minute timer for my daughter to hold so she knows exactly how long I need some space. Or I have to accompany her to her spot to help her at first. But it’s definitely somewhere she likes to be.
I love this idea. I have a shmeditation shpot that I use for quiet contemplation and reading, and for just plain nourishing myself if I feel overwhelmed. It’s a corner of my art studio, but separate enough so that I feel like I’m in a truly different space. There’s a huge window overlooking the woods, and the best part is, my cat Shnoodle comes to shmeditate with me almost every time!
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Sounds lovely! Cats must like cozy nooks as much as we do. Mo took over my little corner that I set up with a candle and some pictures and quotes that inspire me. Whatever works… He HAS been much more fun to be around lately!
What an excellent strategy to be using Naomi!
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Thanks! I really appreciate each of your encouraging comments, Deborah.
We have a “thinking grove” at our house actually. It was named that before we ever moved in, when I saw that little feature in the backyard. There was a stump and two large rocks for sitting on, surrounded by oak trees, a bit like a circular nature-based Greek temple with the trees as pillars. For a place to get away from tension in the household, it can help to actually leave the house and get fresh air…and as a more natural environment can be used to get away physically from the magnet of electronics and be with the trees and the bees. We’re still working on “furnishing” it though, so that the circlet of trees is completely private from neighbors. I’d like it to be so secluded with foliage that I could shed my clothes as well as my tense thoughts, and no one would be able to see.
How fantastic that must feel when you’re out there… your own little forest.
not sure if i have just one thinking spot. but i guess, in general, it’s on the couch in the living room–sitting between two cats, cup of coffee in hand, dialing YOUR phone number 🙂
Awww!That sounds relaxing. 🙂
Great idea!!! Sounds very zen. Gaining self control ought to be honored and not demanded. Thanks for the post!!
Self-care and -control are HUGE in my book. Thanks for reading! xoxo
Just brilliant. What a great idea.
Rebecca recently posted…Where is your thinking spot?
I can’t take credit for this, though I agree it’s a wonderful concept. H’s play therapist suggested it, and it has helped our family immensely!