Life in the fast lane – an introduction

My sweet little girl loves to play at being older, working as a teacher or the owner of a store or as a doctor, all while juggling a family.  When I was a 10-year-old playing at being a grown up, I may have also glorified the idea of being enjoyably and purposefully busy… taking kids to school, running errands to the bank and the grocery store, jiggling my pretend keys to an imaginary car (red, of course).  I talked on the phone to my pretend friends and then said I’ve got to run… so much to do, you know.  (No cell phones yet or I probably would have been talking to them from the car!) I thought being an adult meant running frantically from task to task, feeling satisfied and glamorous.

I definitely never imagined I’d feel constantly under pressure in a bad way, like getting through my to-do list was a Sisyphean task, doing so much but not feeling like I am getting anything done.  Comparing myself to an ideal expectation of myself and falling short every time.  When this is your mindset and you finally get a chance to slow down and rest, think, take stock… well, you just start crying because it all feels like too much to maintain.

I am on vacation in Europe with Mr. B and some of his work colleagues.  It is an incentive/reward for those in the company who live in this state of “overwhelm” the rest of the year, along with their spouses.  The other spouses/significant others and I can joke with each other about all sorts of aspects of this kind of life – how it can be hard to find time for our relationships, how stressed and tired our spouses are all the time, how they always say we don’t get it.  These people (mostly guys) don’t even take a vacation unless it’s “for work.” Well, in our case, we do actually go on vacation, but Mr. B works most of it.  Four days in a beautiful locale can’t really balance it out, but it is fun!

We first flew 9 hours overnight, where we were very uncomfortable and I didn’t sleep.  (Mr. B says he can sleep anywhere and it’s true.  Ah, sleep deprivation!) Then we took a shorter flight and then a drive to our first destination, Positano.  Our intention was to take advantage of being in Europe already and go somewhere relaxing so we could catch up on rest before being social with Mr. B’s work colleagues.  Of course we had a lovely time, but it was physically rigorous and I did not catch up on sleep.  Yes, I know, First World problems.

So now here we are in our second beautiful locale in Croatia, Mr. B catching up with friends and me quietly sitting on the balcony of our room, feeling all sorts of “out of it.”  Everyone is incredibly friendly and eager to include me in conversations.  Probably what I’m most up against, in addition to lack of sleep and sore muscles, is this:

That’s my “hormone horoscope” for today.  Energy and stamina are required here, people, not jet lag, hormonally induced irritation, and lack of sleep! I just don’t feel like sitting by the pool, laughing and having fun, or meeting new people and all the superficiality that goes into those conversations.  What is wrong with me???

The cover of the new book Overwhelmed: Work, Love, and Play When No One Has the Time by Brigid Schulte spoke to me.  The little scribbled reminders jotted down in haste look just like a page from my own spiral notebook I keep by my computer on the desk.    It’s a book about modern life and time pressure.  In her excellently-researched book, Schulte asks two main questions: Why are things the way they are? How can they be better?

Since I am in the middle of reading this, which I didn’t bring with me on the trip because it’s an actual book and not on my Kindle (gasp!), it comes to mind that I set very high expectations for this week.  It is 8 days suspended in time.  We are 7 hours ahead of our time zone at home, with (luckily) no childcare or household duties.  Because of extensive preparation and my mom’s general awesomeness, all is running smoothly there.  Yet, it doesn’t have to be “paradise.”  It can be whatever it is.  I should have come into this week with no expectations, because so far it’s been hard for me.

In addition to the usual trip preparations (writing pages of instructions for my parents about caring for our daughter and her schedule, informing teachers that my mom would be doing drop-off and pickup at school, arranging for the pet sitter, getting foreign currency, packing, house cleaning and preparations, and on and on… and on), I also spent a great deal of time updating all our “just in case” documentation.  Should anything happen to us, would the right people know where to find and be able to access legal documents, car deeds, financial accounts, etc? I organized.  I scanned.  I uploaded.  I had documents signed.  I made a password-protected list of accounts and credit cards and doctors.  In short, I crammed a months-long project into about a week.

Because why not drive myself crazy with irrational fears and expectations?

“It’s so nice to see you/meet you, Naomi! We know what your husband does with his time… how about you?”

I never know what to say to that because I do not officially work outside the home, yet I feel very busy, for lack of a better word.  I usually say something about doing photography, art, and writing, along with lots of volunteering, in addition to taking care of our daughter.

In light of reading this particular book, I realize that I feel that this type of time-fulfillment is not valued by that many people.  Many of these people can appreciate what I’m saying and their other halves do much the same, yet they themselves do not allow time for much outside of work itself.  When answering this question, I almost apologize for myself.

It’s a ridiculous mindset.  When one person works enough hours for two full-time jobs, who else is going to attend parent-teacher conferences? Make the breakfasts and lunches and dinners and the bedtime “I’m still hungry” snacks? Care for the house and pay the bills and meet with the sprinkler repair guy? Plant the flowers and do the taxes and read bedtime stories and request the shot record for camp and help with homework and take the car to get inspected and send out the holiday cards?

And what if this person also wants to sit on some nonprofit boards? Cultivate a photography hobby? Write? Read? Exercise? Take a class? Run the elementary school’s book fair? Lead a girl scout troop?

It is a fulfilling life and one I desperately enjoy.  I love our home, spending time with our daughter, and being able to schedule my own agenda, as full as it is.  I am so grateful to be able to “stay home” for my family.  Yet I feel overwhelmed too.

* * * * *

This will be a 5-part series here on the blog next month.  Following the structure of Schulte’s book, Post #2 will be primarily about work-life balance, or lack thereof.  We’ll explore why the American “work ethic” encourages 24/7 connectivity and very little down time, why we are one of few countries that doesn’t have comprehensive quality child care or mandatory sick leave and vacation time, and what we can do to reimagine a flexible, family friendly, human-friendly workplace.

Post #3 will concern love and families and how to better balance our roles.  Post #4 will address that ever-elusive sense of play. The final post, #5, will deal with the entire experience of overwhelm, which I will agree with Schulte is mainly a self-imposed emotion based on stress, fear, and idealism.   It requires a conscious (and rather large) shift in perspective to move toward what the author terms “time serenity.”

I now leave this overly emotional mindset behind to go sit by the pool with Mr. B and friends and start to enjoy this vacation.  🙂 Thank you so much for reading! I look forward to reading and responding to your comments.