Life in the fast lane: women don’t play

“I don’t think it is too much to say that play can save your life.  It certainly has salvaged mine.  Life without play is a grinding, mechanical existence organized around doing the things necessary for survival.  Play is the stick that stirs the drink.  It is the basis of all art, games, books, sports, movies, fashion, fun, and wonder — in short, the basis of what we think of as civilization.”  ~ Dr. Stuart Brown, founder, National Institute for Play

We’re continuing our discussion of Bridget Schulte’s book, Overwhelmed: Work, Love, and Play When No One Has the Time. Catch up on the first 3 posts in this series here.  I’ve enjoyed reading your insightful comments! One final summary post coming next week to wrap it all up.

Every time I spend time doing anything fun (creative projects, spending time with a girlfriend, roller skating),  I say some version of “why don’t I do this more?” 

“Research is finding that play is what enables humans to create, improvise, imagine, innovate, learn, solve problems, be smart, open, curious, resilient, and happy.” 

That must be the idea behind those cool Google offices.

I don’t know how you feel, but I usually feel that I have to justify play.

When I am creating art or involved in anything creative, I feel like a better version of myself.  I feel happily contemplative, in the flow, and peaceful.  Why should I have to defend that, even to myself???

“Different activities feel different to different people at different times in their lives.  A  carefree day at the beach with friends in your twenties can feel a whole lot different from a day with two toddlers prone to sunburn, who can’t swim, need naps….  Just as the overwhelm is the result of unpredictability and a lack of control, true leisure, researchers say, is the result of feeling both a measure of control over the experience and also choice, free from obligation.

“Leisure time for women, studies have shown, often just means more work.  Women are typically the ones who plan, organize, pack, execute, delegate, and clean up after outings, holidays, vacations, and family events.  And in addition to being physically taxing, leisure for women can be mentally and emotionally draining… because women tend to feel responsible for making sure everyone else is enjoying the leisure activity and so are constantly taking the emotional temperatures of all involved.  That strong, self-sacrificing “ethic of care”… is also the reason women tend to have the ongoing tape loop of tasks yet to get done, responsibilities, and worries that play in the head like an annoying and hard-to-shake jingle, which contaminates the experience of any kind of time.”

I agree.  Find me a (straight) guy who does these things and I’ll get in line to marry him.  

Before reading this book, I didn’t realize how crucial play is to our actual survival and human evolution.  Neuroscience is showing how play “builds complex, skilled, responsive, socially adept, and flexible brains.” When we don’t make it a priority, there are “huge consequences, emotionally spiritually, and physically.” 

I’d guess that for most women juggling career and family, it’s difficult to set aside time specifically to play.  But what if we simply shift our way of thinking? Add a sense of playfulness to your day.  Turn on some music while you get dressed.  Choose to sit by the window.  Imagine you have a magic wand to make something unpleasant disappear.  

So let’s give ourselves permission to daydream for 5 minutes, to tell or write stories, explore new experiences, or doing anything just for the fun of it.

The to-dos of life will never end.  But we will.  So we must decide what is most important and make time for it.  Start with what’s most important and schedule it in.  If a million things are coming at us at once, it can be hard to know what to do first.  If we remember our priorities, it will be easier to  let some unimportant items slide.  I should sort the mail later and play with my daughter now.  I should talk with people I care about on the phone and shop later.  There are always going to be compromises… 

One person says that rather than seek perfect balance, it’s better to ask herself if she’s trying her best, doing things for the right reasons, making people feel loved?

Here are some suggestions from Schulte:

• Remind yourself that play is useful and that all humans need it.
• Give yourself permission.
• Be curious.  Find time to wonder.
• Before a vacation or any unstructured time, PLAN how you want the time to feel. Put it on your calendar to make sure it happens.
• Light a candle.
• Be silent a little.
• Try something new.
• Spend time with friends.
• Find a role model or mentor.
• Write down your ideas and inspirations.
• Listen to positive encouragement.
• Get out of your head and into your body.
• Cultivate a growth mindset.
• Believe in yourself.

For me, play is more of a mindset, a way to carry out my day.  When I’m in a playful frame of mind, I seek out other people, I smile more, and there’s a lift in my step.  I do everything I need to do, but it’s infused with a completely different feel.

Those times tend to be in the first two weeks of my cycle, when I’m most alert and energetic.  However, it’s helpful that I keep more subtle ideas in mind for the rest of the month, like allowing quiet time for reflection or giving myself permission to take a nap.   We don’t have to be peppy all the time, right?

My art time is all play.  It’s when I turn off my mind and let my senses and intuition call the shots.  I let my heart guide me and I always get lost in the flow.

What do you think about the importance of play? What do you like to do?