“I’m sorry for yelling at Mommy and Daddy.”
“I’m sorry for having a messy room sometimes and leaving my things around the house.”
“I’m going to help the quiet girl in my class.”
As I mentioned in Monday’s post, we are in the 10-day period that is considered in Judaism to be the holiest days of the year. One concrete ritual that we do is perfect for children (as well as adults). We take bread to a moving body of water and symbolically toss our sins into the water with the breadcrumbs. This year, I got to watch and listen as three cute little people mentioned things they regretted doing and what intentions they have for moving forward. The idea of the ritual is that the sins are literally carried away and we can start anew. So much of what the kids said made me put my hand to my heart and smile.
Sitting in the children’s service earlier that day, trying to calm my very upset daughter, I realized how many preconceptions I have about what it means to raise a child to follow your example. There is much emotion tied up in raising our children!
I would love to know your thoughts about this. As you read below, think about how you would answer these questions:
- Whether inside a faith tradition or not, how do you impart your values and expectations to your children and grandchildren?
- And when they don’t act as you’d expect, then what???
And I do realize that I’m probably overthinking this as usual.
When I am inside any synagogue, I feel linked to the generations that came before me, to the hands that built the Temple I am sitting in, and to the generations who will hopefully follow. I am a descendent of the very people who sent a high priest to enter the Holy Temple in Jerusalem thousands of years ago every year during this time. I am part of a people who has been enslaved and freed from slavery, who has wandered and been found, and who has lost millions of lives while preserving human dignity and tradition. I am a piece of Divine Truth and Justice. I collect wisdom from rabbis who lived thousands of years ago and from the ones I know today.
I have huge responsibilities. We each do. I must help care for the earth and those living here. I must spread ideas of peace, conflict resolution, and harmony. I must do my part to feed and clothe the too many who are without basic needs and who get overlooked. I must work toward a future of equality and opportunity for everyone. I must educate, advocate, and never stop learning. I take it all seriously.
Even more, raising a child to feel those connections and to feel that sense of responsibility is the most important task I’ve undertaken. Before our daughter was born, Mr. B and I talked all about our ideals and wishes for her and about what type of home we would have to model and carry out our values. We talk with her about our values as we do good things for people and explain why we don’t do other things. We read books with moral messages, observe the holidays, and light Shabbat candles. We are part of a larger community.
I assume that I am the way I am because of the home that I grew up in and the values of my parents. It seems natural for that same tendency to continue into the next generation. And so much of what we do is for the benefit of our daughter as much, if not more, than for ourselves. She enjoyed making a honey cake for the holiday with me and took pride in setting the table for our dinner guests. She fell asleep talking with me about aspects of the holiday.
So what happened? She was so preoccupied with the idea that she was going to sit with a particular friend during the children’s service that she couldn’t focus at all on anything else. And when that friend arrived with extended family and they couldn’t join us where we were sitting, sweet girl just lost it. She could not calm down.
I understand she is just 6. Still, I was so disappointed in her behavior because it showed me that she had little understanding of the meaning of the holiday and how important it is. We drove her home afterwards, trying to explain, yet she refused to hear us. I returned to the adult service. When I got home later, she and Mr. B had talked it through and she told me she was very sorry.
I explained to her that I hold her to a much higher standard than I realized, and yet I don’t apologize for it. There is certain behavior that we expect of her. We observe holidays just as generations before us did. We read sacred texts. The prayers that cross our lips have been uttered for thousands of years. I asked her who she thinks she is to abandon and disrespect that. (Fortunately, Mr. B translated whatever I said into something she would relate to.)
We go to synagogue (or church or the mosque) to connect with God and to reflect on how we can become better people. We don’t go with the focus of catching up with a friend. On such an important day especially, surrounded by hundreds of people, we don’t make a scene.
And yet… those simple intentions tossed out with the bread crumbs by her little hand warm my heart and give me reassurance that she is taking in the important things. She knows right from wrong. She is kind to others. She has a sense of wonder. The rest may take care of itself.
It seems such a large responsibility to raise the next generation to follow in our footsteps. It does not happen by default. Whether inside a faith tradition or not, how do you impart your values and expectations to your children and grandchildren? And when they don’t act as you’d expect, then what???
Hi, Naomi, I started writing something here a couple ago but couldn’t quite package my thoughts and feelings into words. In my experience bringing up two daughters (now 12 & almost 16) in a faith tradition, consistency and conversations have been key. When they were young it was about being there and participating the best we could as a family to show our girls that worship is part of who we are and what we do. I’m sure we adjusted our expectations gradually, but I know that once they got to be about 8 years old, I had specific expectations of them (around rituals in our worship service), and I communicated those expectations clearly (and repeatedly) to my daughters. Age 10 was another time when I remember raising the bar and communicating greater expectations. I admire my girls, and I treasure the faith each of them have, which is stronger than the faith I had when I was young.
Looking back at the questions you posed — how do I impart values & expectations to my kids — I think it’s a combination of example and conversation, talking about what choices we have and why we make the choices we do. Part of what I find tricky is imparting *my* values while not devaluing others’ values … because I also value tolerance, open-mindedness and empathy. I hope that by being self-aware, I avoid teaching judgmentalism, intolerance & self-righteousness. And in the end, I just have to remember that I’m doing my best!
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It’s definitely example, and I’ve noticed that questions come at me when I’m not even expecting them. I have to use those opportunities to their fullest, explain simply and wholeheartedly, and then hope I’m doing all I can. I really appreciate your words here. I’ve been asking some open-ended questions too, asking what she thinks about things.
At this point it is unlikely that I will ever be a parent, let alone a grandparent. The best I can do is model the sort of behavior that I would want my descendants to emulate, and act in public as I do in private.
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Great idea, Scott.
Naomi, things DO have a way of working out, and I totally believe they will in your gallant quest to raise your daughter with great faith. God bless you for stepping up to the challenge in the first place! Realize you are in a minority group for doing so—sooooo many kids today get NO guidance to prepare them for respectful, responsible, faithful life. When you get frustrated, think back to when you were six. Look around at other 6 year olds. And keep in mind that her body, and mind will not be fully developed until she is 20ish. A six year old isn’t designed to be a deep thinking follower of faith. They are designed to explore, express and delight in silly meaningless trivia that inspires them later. They are designed to play, and interact on their own cognitive level. The fact that she is as attentive and considerate as she is at this point is 100% directly because of you and your hard work. Great kudos to you! Careful not to overload her to the point of resentment. So, never look at those hiccups as your failure to guide or her inability to learn. Look at the beautiful girl you are raising and how much potential she holds as she grows up. I’m so excited for your family!
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I absolutely love and appreciate your words here. Thank you so much for the encouragement and perspective. You are right that I have a much more emotionally aware child than many others and she’s very attentive and respectful. Most of the time. In general, we focus on the joy in parenting. Yes, we are excited to see what good she does with her life, but we also can’t believe how fast time passes. 🙂
It has been my experience that children never act as you would expect them to at least 90% of the time. In fact, people, in general do not act as you would expect them to. If they did, network news shows would have little to report!
Parents know their kids better than anybody and if there are behaviors that haven’t been resolved in the privacy of your home, you have to expect those behaviors to creep up out in society, especially if mommy &/or daddy are with them. Our behaviors are not consistent out in society though and kids pick up on this. At home, we discipline our kids to behave the way they should in front of others. But at the grocery store, we discipline kids differently; we’re more quiet, polite and subtle. We are hopeful that they will get the message in our angry or pleading eyes. But when the kids see our desperation, it gives them power over us and they, more than not, act on that power.
I’m the mother of a child with Autism. I got judged by society every time we went out, whether to grocery stores or synagogues. My child never learned to whisper but she knew sign language for “quiet”, “later”, “bathroom”, “home” and more.
But she would make strange noises and congregants would turn around and shush us. Once, at an orthodox synagogue, it was announced from the bema that there was child care during this service for anyone who needs it. Hmm. I wonder who he meant that for.
And even though we were ‘kicked out’ of many temples, it didn’t stop my daughter from making strange sounds anywhere. I couldn’t teach her not to; it was part of her autism. Can you teach someone having chemo not to lose their hair?!
There are so many “I must”s in raising a child. I must protect, I must keep clean, fed, keep happy, healthy, etc. If we add to those “I must”s that we must run for office in the PTA, I must “feed and clothe the too many who are without basic needs…” That’s a recipe for failure.
My thinking on this is that you must raise your child to be a good citizen with a good sense of character, sense of what is right/wrong, kind, mean, to share and to value relationships more than things. If you accomplish this, you change the world for the better.
I disagree that mommy needs an interpreter, especially if its daddy. Both parents should be explaining to the child using the same words. And if the child still doesn’t understand, you say, “You will when you’re older so trust us now that we have your best interest in mind.”
When you decide to have children, you decide to have all the responsibilities that go with it, at least for 18 years. That’s huge! If you have to have “I must”s, let them wait until the child goes off to college.
Raising functioning, contributing members of the next generation is a HUGE responsibility, one we are woefully unprepared for as we begin parenting. Children don’t come with operating manuals, and it seems that no two are alike. Each has its own little quirks. Just as you think you have it figured out (and yes, even THINKING that reenforces the idea that you’re delusional!) the next one comes along and everything you thought you knew goes out the window.
Now that I am grand-parenting four (but not in the traditional sense, in that I care for them while their parents work, so I don’t get to spoil them and send them home – I have to LIVE with the little monsters I help to create!) I feel much more confident in my abilities. I recognize that sculpting these little creatures has to be done as individual pieces of art, not mass-produced. AND, I realize that when they mess up, it is an opportunity to teach, and not every mess-up requires punishment.
Somehow, even with all my failings as a parent, both my kids have grown up to be good people, and even ask me for parenting advise, so I must have done SOMETHING right.
I know I am only watching from afar, but from what I can see, you are doing an admirable job! (And if it helps any, our 7 year old is STILL throwing temper tantrums. Learning how to channel anger and disappointment is a process!)
XO
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Thanks you, Janet! I usually do have the philosophy that everything is a teaching moment, and I do connect with her far more than I correct her. This just caught me totally off guard! I feel like I talk and explain things so much, like all day long, and for her to miss this one was strange. Ah well… forgive and move on. BTW, that night, she DID tell me at bedtime that she learned a big lesson that day. 🙂