Today I’m sharing something that I’m pretty sure someone out there is going to disagree with, and perhaps that person is correct. Perhaps it is more admirable to feel deeply. Let me know what you think…
(I wrote this post after the Orlando violence last month but before the most recent round of shootings in Minneapolis and in Dallas. Unfortunately, according to this website, someone somewhere in America is killed every day.)
I pride myself that as time passes, I learn more and more about myself – what I like, what I know isn’t worth trying, and where my boundaries are. I can wear my heart on my sleeve with the best of them. I can hear bad news… a mistaken shooting, thousands of homeless refugees, intercultural war, car crashes where only the kids survived… and be at a loss for days. It hurts so much; too much to even function. I have let the lack of humanity assault me continually until I’ve had to check myself into the hospital. I definitely have been so overwhelmed by the negative that I couldn’t pass a homeless person without giving them everything I was carrying. I’ve thought that I hurt so much that I actually felt those people’s pain.
What good does feeling this do for anyone?
I have limits. I happen to be someone who can’t see violent movies because I don’t seem to be able to separate movies from reality. I know how much time I can spend with challenging people before I start to feel resentful or angry. And I know that I have to let these awful news stories and events breeze on by my head if I want to be a positive and happy person. And I do… I really believe that (in addition to being able to take care of myself and my family) being a source of light in the world counteracts the darkness. I think I can counter it without even being reminded that it’s there. Believe me, I know it’s there.
That’s not to say that I don’t care. I care too much to care, if that makes sense. I sent money last year to that family who lost their father and doughnuts to the school who lost a teacher. My daughter and I drove hundreds of sandwiches that Chickfila donated to all the people who lost their homes to last May’s floods here in Houston. We dropped off supplies for days. We always participate in food drives or clothing drives or anything where we can make some kind of difference in someone’s life. I am not at all indifferent, which I’d consider a far bigger issue.
What I don’t allow myself is the time to mull over how such things could even happen or what it must be like to be them or what’s wrong with the world these days. I simply can’t. I have to separate myself. I can’t allow my heart to be affected by such news because deep down there, it’s not strong enough to fight back.
I know from a past intense job in the community that the more of your soul you give to global issues like this, the more vulnerable you become. I became so hopeless and overwhelmed that I couldn’t even handle laundry. I was so afraid of being attacked or of random street violence that I had to be hospitalized, and there, I learned some life strategies for coping with any kind of intense stress. It’s all about boundaries really.
I learned how to briefly tolerate pain when it arises, how to ask for what I need or give myself what is best for me (like saying I can’t do something or give something my mental attention), and then how to regulate emotions better.
So I don’t give much emotional attention to the negative. I am disappointed in the repetitive violence and lack of humanity and compassion between individuals, classes, and races. I used to think I was personally responsible to come up with a global solution to the violence. Instead, I want to actively focus on the good that can come from such harsh reality, not the harshness itself. Maybe these awful things have to happen in order for change to come about… who knows? I know that I can’t control it and so I can only do what’s best for me. Right now, that’s turning those thoughts and feelings off and heading outside to swim with my daughter. It is consciously deciding not to live in fear.
Let me know what you think. How much emotion do you give to the horrible news stories that keep popping up? I am genuinely interested in hearing.
Such an important topic since so many of us too feel like we care too much. Have you ever spoken to anyone about the possibility that you may be an empath? An empath is a person who actually FEELS the pain of others around them. I know some people that on they figured this out about themselves, it was very useful.
Elda recently posted…I Cannot Take It Anymore!
Oh, for sure I am. I have to distance myself.
Naomi, to know yourself is the best anyone can do for the good and whole of not just ones self but for the good and whole of their family. At the age of 55 I’m sitting here in my pj’s at 1pm EST while my just turned 11yo son plays a rousing game with a friend online and my husband is at work. Yes, his computer is in our main living space. No computers in bedrooms. Because I care what happens every moment he’s on his computer. We took our son out of the brick and mortar school system, having finally deciding at the end of this last school year, because I care too much what happens to him. A 7yo brought a gun to school to show off. “Virtual School” starts the same day “brick and mortar school” starts. I care too much that I made a police officer find the cyber bully that entered our lives and caused my son to be hurt emotionally while playing a cyber game with friends that I had approved. That bully now has the constant thought that if he is caught doing it again he will be charged with a felony at the age of 15. Really.
I have a grown son who is a police officer. I care too much that my husband had to come to me and quietly tell me about the incident in Dallas so not only me, but our 11yo son won’t worry like his mama does every waking moment. I care too much that I haven’t looked at Fox News see it or our local news to hear about it. I care too much that I lost so much in a divorce I never saw coming and my world crashed before I was even aware of what was happening – including the loss of custody of my only child at the time. That now grown son hasn’t talked to me in years because of the years of brainwashing he received from his father and his father’s 3rd chamber maid. Pardon my bitter broken heart of 20 years. I can be a christian and still have this bitter broken heart as long as I can acknowledge my love for my previous life and what it wasn’t. “He” didn’t care too much – I did. I care too much that I still send messages via social media to my grown son even though he refuses to talk to me but he needs to remember I love him no matter what.
I care too much that I carry the moniker “the Mayor of Moss Drive” in my neighborhood because everyone knows I don’t hesitate to call for help if need be and I find myself as the Sentinel every night. I care too much that I have an 8 foot privacy fence between our house and our next door neighbor who runs a mechanics shop in his front yard, driveway, and on both sides of the street curbs and I don’t want to see it every time I look out my window or walk outside to get in my car. But the wife cares too much that I know she will come running if she knows I need help. She crawled through our doggy door to get to me to prove it. It’s because of that I keep my mouth shut about them parking a vehicle at the the very end of my privacy fence so I’m still reminded every day when I look out of my kitchen window.
It’s sad to me that I’ve cared too much that I’ve had to retreat to the indoors and live in my pj’s unless I’m going somewhere. Because of caring too much I’ve lessened my need for varieties of entertainment, taking a shower and washing my hair every single day – you can still be “clean” even if you don’t shower ever day, I promise, and we don’t have the extra money to pay for every day makeup. My husband loves me with or without makeup but I’ll wear my hair in a pony tail every day because I know he loves it and I care too much not to. He’s worth it.
However, I don’t think it’s bad to care too much for so many things in life if it’s for the right reasons and you know when to give yourself a break. Because too many people do not care enough. I believe caring too much for too long causes unnecessary stress. Something I lived with for way too long and probably the major contributing factor in causing my Fibromyalgia. Stress can kill a person slowly and painfully. I, for one, am trying to give up that habit of putting myself or even allowing myself to be in what I know will be a stressful situation. God granted me a second chance to be a wife and mother. I spent too many years pining over the loss of my first [so called] marriage and losing my son to a socio-psychopath even after I married the man of my dreams and gave birth to another son. I couldn’t let go of that loss. I care too much still, to this day, for that other life. But, today I know my boundaries and how to be good to myself regardless of how selfish it may seem to others. That’s their problem. I’m the only one responsible for my happiness. And that happiness is hard won. I have to pick my battles and live with them. I have to trust God knowing He’s got this and I don’t have to carry that baggage. I have to agree with your Aunt Val – we come from a God dimension. We are to be in His image. I believe His son cared too much and that is why we do. Jesus felt loss, pain, lonely. But He still cared too much and was willing to. So why shouldn’t we?
Kay Burnett recently posted…This is the day…
Kudos to you for staying true to your instincts, Kay. You are indeed brave and strong. It’s so hard to be in relationships that are so challenging, but like you say, pick your battles. They must be in our lives to teach us something, right?
I think you’re on the right track. All we can do is live our lives in a way that contributes to the good of the whole, doing good deeds and making sure we are part of the solution rather than part of the problem. You do far more than most.
Don’t ever feel guilty about nourishing your soul. Like the flight attendant always says, put your oxygen mask on before helping others. You can’t quench people’s thirst from an empty well.
Janet Forrest recently posted…Next up, York, England
Very true, Janet. I wonder what the purpose of it all is… some people doing evil things that they must think are right. So many others doing kind and good.
We are fully and wholly responsible for guardianship of our own energy and I commend you Naomi on keeping this topic front and center in your awareness. Knowing your boundaries is important.
I don’t think we’re meant to become lost in our emotions, nor “give” them to anything, but rather allow ourselves to feel what we feel without holding on to it. Like allowing a river to pass through us. The emotions are guide signs, helping us see what’s is activating and what is important to us, what is preferred and not preferred, so we can make choices about how we want to live, to respond, to create. But they aren’t meant to be destinations. It sounds like you’ve come up with, and have been taught, some very helpful strategies for those occasions when you’ve held on to emotions rather than allow them to flow. Good for you!
Deborah Weber recently posted…Weekend Coffee Share: July 9, 2016
That’s a very interesting thought, Deborah. In not letting them rise up in the first place, am I suppressing something important? Letting them come briefly and sending them on their way is exactly what I’m doing. I don’t know why I was so focused on them before, but yes, I’ve got some good tools now.
This is what I believe, dear niece,
We come from a God dimension where we decide how we’re going to grow our soul-self this time around, when we are reborn. Who will we be? What challenges will we take on to learn what is necessary to return to the God dimension with a higher soul-self? Will we have self love and will we have the capacity and compassion to love others?
We’re here to learn all the lessons in this life, but we are here to learn how to love better, too. And aren’t we also experiencing life to find joy and peace? To find joy, we must experience pain and sadness.
This comment post is difficult for me to express because I’ve been numb on medications for decades this time around and now that I’m trying to heal myself and get off of drugs like opioids and anti-depressants, I’m on a roller-coaster of physical sensations and withdrawal symptoms. This comes at a time in this life when I’m witnessing all the racial violence again, liket I saw during the 1960s. My way of surviving emotionally during this upheaval of horrible news reports on TV is to remember this: I have a specific path I’ve chosen with God to walk on during this lifetime. I’m here to learn, to love and to serve others and to find ways to lift my soul to a higher plane/dimension. I’ll take what I see and hear and experience and apply it to where ever I need it to do that.
You mention boundaries. That is your saving grace to keeping your psyche protected. You are smart to have learned this lesson. Your mind will let you know how much you can take of the bad stuff, and how much to learn from it and grow and go on to the next experience. Your body will let you know how much stress and emotional pain you can handle by either sickness or balance of healthy energy. And your soul-self will also let you know when enough is enough! Then, hopefully, your awareness of self will understand what you’ve learned and what to do with that knowledge.
You serve others and teach your daughter to do likewise. This is your path to joy and peace. Its a noble one. I’m proud of you.
As souls coming from a God dimension, we are loving beings. We cannot exist without love of self, and it is hard to tolerate the world without someone else to exchange loving feelings with.
(Forgive me if I ramble. I am going through withdrawal from years of being on Cymbalta. It was a 3 week weaning and this is day 5 of stopping all pills and it feels like my brain is being shocked in places. Its called brain zaps and its a symptom I expected. What wasn’t expected was the nausea. Ugh!).
Dear Aunt Val – I admire your willingness to be so brave in admitting your own vulnerability. How many people have you heard admit their dependence on prescription meds? As much as I admire your niece for admitting her caring too much (something I battle every day) I so admire you as well. I was once on cymbalta and crashed and burned. I had to go cold turkey on that one! My life is spent telling myself everyday what I can or can’t do because of my own inability to deal with stress any longer than I have to. Most people don’t understand boundaries and then wonder why they are the way they are. I’m 55, having given birth to our son at the age of 45 – surprise! And he was born on the 4th of July! It wasn’t until I turned 50 that I had the right to say “No!” Then I had to learn I owe no one an apology for protecting myself. I’m a mother and a wife. I have to be the best I can be (and that’s still not good enough at this point) for my son and husband. They deserve a better me and I deserve a better self. After having our son I suffered from post partum depression and didn’t realize it. I was told I was having the “baby blues” and I will be ok. No! I was sent to a specialist in another city to prove it to my most important doctor – I now know I’ve lived my life with every form of anxiety and always will. Enter “cognitive therapy” forever. It’s because “I care too much.”
Kay, thank you for such an honest comment. Happy birthday to your son, too… double digits! I probably won’t ever get off my meds but thus far they haven’t been a problem. To get pregnant and nurse my daughter, I did get off a couple and now I’m back on them. I understand that the withdrawal process is no party. Anyway, I’m totally fine taking my “happy pills,” as I call them. I think of them as part of my daily diet just like food and water.
We that care so deeply and feel everything have to be careful to keep ourselves healthy for the benefit of our loved ones and for the world around us. I think doing what we need to do for ourselves is just the responsible thing to do. I’m so glad you stood up for what you knew to be true when your son was born.
I am getting much better at turning off the things that waste my time and energy. I imagine as we age, we get better at seeing the priorities.
First, thank you for taking the time to share all of your feelings. Second, I agree with what you write about our chosen challenges and learning. I also agree that we need the dichotomy of both extremes in order to understand them both. If we don’t suffer, the peace may be taken for granted. I thank you for not judging and for being so compassionate. I hope the weaning gets easier as the days pass.
I loved this post. I feel the same way. We just came back from a mission trip and I felt so good about the work we did there. Then the news. My heart breaks for all involved. It is so crazy to me. Ordinary citizens killing each other.
So, I do what I can to help others. I accept everyone into my life that is kind and good. Sometimes I just have to turn off the news and live my life. Mostly I worry about my grandsons and their future. I feel confident the next generation will be much more tolerant of each other.
Like is to be lived. Your doing just that. Be happy and carry on. Keep spreading your kindness and good news.
I know… but it’s not like your mission work is undone because of the recent events. I think (and hope) that every act of kindness tips the scales. It’s hard to be feeling so good and then hear about such crazy violence. Yes, I agree about your worry about the children. I remember when my daughter was a month old “we” watched Obama’s swearing in ceremony and getting teary-eyed with hope for her future. I was so proud that someone young and smart was elected into the presidency by a galvanized public. Yet we see just how much he was thwarted by politics and hatred. Even if you disagree in your political views, we can still always hope it will get better for the next generation, who doesn’t have such ingrained views. But does any rising generation? Yes, let’s keep spreading kindness and hope for the best. 🙂
I think you are smart to know yourself and your own limitations so well and to act accordingly for your well being. Those airline flight attendants really know what they’re talking about when they tell folks to put their own oxygen masks on first before assisting someone else. We are certainly not helpful to others if we aren’t breathing!
So true. Love you.