We followed the Olympics religiously last month, watching strength, agility, and true greatness play out on our tv screen over and over again.  I admire such perfection and usually it inspires me.  But how can we not also compare ourselves to such successes and think that we are less than great?

Since I haven’t been following the meal plan I designed for a few months now (counting calories or staying away from sweets), I’ve been feeling quite negative toward myself.  In fact, I have this all-or-nothing mentality that basically means that I’ve failed.  I am throwing in the towel.  Might as well eat anything now and accept being overweight.  I look terrible.  Nothing fits me.  I can’t stick with anything.  You get the picture.

This kind of criticizing ourselves can become a habit.

I am making my way through an online Self-Compassion workshop co-facilitated by Drs. Kristin Neff (Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself) and Brené Brown because I want to be better at integrating self-compassion into my life.  “Self-compassion, learning to understand and calm our inner critic, is central to living a brave life as a partner, friend, parent, and leader.”  I am focusing the entire month on self-compassion.  If you missed the first two posts, you can read them here.

It seems sometimes, at least in our culture, that our best is never going to be good enough.  Our culture does not encourage self-compassion.  We have got to start relating to ourselves in a different way than what society encourages.  It is not selfish or inappropriate to offer ourselves the same compassion we would bestow upon others.  We can allow ourselves to feel compassion for how challenging it can be to be an imperfect human being in such a competitive world.

Kristin Neff shocked me with this revelation: “When we judge and attack ourselves, we are taking the role of both the criticizer and the criticized… able to indulge in feelings of righteous indignation toward our own inadequacies, which feels pretty good… When we angrily cut ourselves down for our failings, we have a chance to feel superior to those aspects of ourselves that we judge.  

Similarly, by setting unrealistically high standards for ourselves and getting so upset when we fail to meet them, we can subtly reinforce feelings of supremacy associated with having such high standards in the first place.”

Neff says the best way to counteract this self-criticism is “to understand it, have compassion for it, and then replace it with a kinder response.  By letting ourselves be moved by the suffering we have experienced at the hands of our own self-criticism, we strengthen our desire to heal.”

It can be easy to be compassionate toward others and quite difficult to give that same kindness to ourselves.  If I were treating myself as I’d treat another person, I would say to be gentle on yourself.  You’re quite busy and active with your house projects and you will get back to your plan when the time is right.  You look fine!

Neff says that 75% of us are more compassionate toward others than toward ourselves (especially women). The key is to notice what we are doing and acknowledge our own vulnerability.  With compassion we acknowledge our imperfection.   We are more likely to change if we can accept that we are an imperfect human being.

Self-kindness means treating ourselves with care and concern, even in the midst of our imperfection.

This type of self-judgment leads to all sorts of emotional problems, all of which I’ve dealt with: insecurity, anxiety, and depression.  Why do we beat ourselves up when we think we’re doing less than ideal? Why are we so hard on ourselves? We have got to stop the judgments! I am working on simply accepting myself no matter the situation.

When I say to myself that I shouldn’t have failed, I’m creating a sense of isolation. “Someone else would have been able to lose the weight by now. There must be something wrong with me.” If instead I would acknowledge that others are in the same boat, I feel tied to a common humanity.  “It happens to lots of people.  I’m completely normal.”

I have to interject here that I have trouble with this concept.  Usually I am part of that 75%  and am very critical of myself while being forgiving of others.  But I realize that I am sometimes hugely judgmental toward others.  Instead of compassion or acknowledging that someone is suffering, I tend to lean toward finding something that person did to cause their situation.  The homeless person who succumbed to drugs or alcohol, the overweight person who lacks discipline and is weak.  The people who could get help but don’t.

I think I know now why I have this thought pattern.  I am unconsciously refusing to acknowledge our common humanity, refusing to see that it could just as well be me in their shoes.  Why? Fear.  Fear that I could be homeless if just a couple things were to change.  Fear that I will be overweight if I don’t tighten my bootstraps and get focused.  Some things are out of my control.  Some things I think people have control of, like what food passes their lips, but there are emotional issues at play that I’m calling weaknesses that are probably internal pain that I’m not acknowledging either… also out of fear.

We are the product of a boatload of circumstances that have come together to shape who we are right now.  Our economic and social background, our friendships and teachers, our culture and family, our genetics… each help shape the person we are today.  Each of us make bad decisions sometimes, and often those could lead to suffering.  Whether because of personal weakness, circumstance, bad decisions, or some other sort of “failure,” everyone deserves kindness when they are suffering… even ourselves.  We are – each of us – flawed human beings.

Just as we offer compassion to someone else who is suffering, we must stop and recognize our own feelings of suffering and extend to ourselves that same kindness.

“Rather than condemning yourself for your mistakes and failures, you can use the experience of suffering to soften your heart.  You can let go of those unrealistic expectations of perfection that make you so dissatisfied, and open the door to real and lasting satisfaction… all by giving yourself the compassion you need in the moment… By giving ourselves unconditional kindness and comfort while embracing the human experience, difficult as it is, we avoid destructive patterns of fear, negativity, and isolation.” (Neff)

Mindfulness is a large component of this recognition.  When we give quality attention to what’s happening or what you’re feeling in a specific moment, we are “experientially open to what’s actually happening as opposed to thinking about it.”  Our mind is designed for survival, not for happiness.  So it’s continually looking for problems.  My brain is already set up to judge myself for eating that cookie, and so there are emotions and suffering involved in that as well.  I could simply be aware that I’m thinking this without running away with the story line.  “I ate some M&M’s and now I’m stopping. It’s ok to have a little when you have a craving.  Now how else can you help yourself?” versus “I am so weak.  I’m not good enough.  I’m never going to look how I want to.” We have to allow compassion to emerge for ourselves as much as for others.

I would NEVER tell someone else those words! If I spoke to anyone with the harsh words I use on myself, I would have zero friends.  I suppose I’m not the best friend I could be to myself! If my best friend were suffering in any way, I would be full of compassion and sending treats to her in the mail.  Why don’t I do this for myself?

So now when I look in the mirror and my eyes are immediately drawn to my tummy or my hips, I notice my feelings of guilt or inadequacy and recognize them as suffering that I need to respond to with compassion.  It’s not an excuse.  It’s an acknowledgement that the feelings that just popped up are painful and deserving of kindness.  I don’t need to jump into diet and exercise planning or focus more on my flaws.  Neither do I need to focus on how guilty I feel or how weak I have been.

We don’t need to wait until we are perfect or look outside ourselves for care and acceptance.

The main idea here is that you notice when you’re being hard on yourself, “validate and listen to what you really need in the moment and express empathy toward yourself rather than condemnation.”  Even if our failure is huge, which it usually is not, we can recognize that everyone has times when they blow it (even Olympians) and treat ourselves kindly instead.  Instead of trying to be so perfect, why not embrace ourselves as we are? How would that feel?

Missed any Self-compassion September posts? Read them here.