“We don’t have to wait until we are perfect, until life goes exactly as we want it to.  We don’t need others to respond with care and compassion in order to feel worthy of love.  We don’t need to look outside ourselves for the acceptance and security we crave.” (Neff)

Many of us have a habit of beating ourselves up when we fail or make some mistake. “Our automatic reaction when we see something about ourselves we don’t like is to put ourselves down. Or when faced with adversity, our first reaction might be to immediately go into problem-solving mode without first stopping to tend to our emotional needs. But if we can be mindful, even for just a moment, of the pain associated with failure or the stress and hardship entailed by difficult circumstances, we can take a step back and respond to our pain with kindness… Not only am I suffering, I am aware that I am suffering, and therefore I can try to do something about it.”

We can’t stop our judgmental thoughts, but we don’t have to encourage or believe in them either.  In addition to mindfulness, a large component of self-compassion is kindness.  Self-kindness means that we are gentle with ourselves and actively comfort ourselves like we would a friend.  It’s not a simple task to be aware of suffering and stay open in its presence.

We humans are “programmed” around the need to survive, not necessarily to be free from suffering.  Some aspects of who we are will contradict our effort toward self-compassion.  As we go through the many tasks in a day, we need to be aware not only of what we are doing, but how we are doing it.

I am a recovering perfectionist.  Perfectionists are the opposite of kind in how we talk to ourselves.  We have very high expectations even though we know we are human beings who make mistakes.  We think we always need to be working to improve in some way.  Perfectionists suffer from feeling inadequate, never able to reach our own expectation.

I am hypercritical of myself and always striving to save time, be more efficient, and speed through multiple tasks.  If I can notice when I’m doing this and speak kindly to myself with self-compassion, many of the feelings and behaviors that go along with perfectionism go away.  For instance, yesterday I had a packed day of meetings to plan our school’s book fair, followed immediately by picking up my daughter from school and helping her with homework, ending with a board meeting in the evening.  All day long I was focused, busy, and in charge.  Then last night I noticed that I was exhausted.  My first thought was that I shouldn’t be tired because there is much more to get accomplished.  My second thought was that my own taskmaster mind is wrong.  There is plenty of time and other people to help.  Rest is a good thing.  I allowed myself to close the laptop, snuggle into the covers, and savor the calmness and sleep.

Self-kindness is more than stopping self-judgement.  It involves actively comforting ourselves.  In a heartbeat, I would have told a friend she was being too hard on herself and to take a break, rest, be kind to herself, etc.  Self-kindness is recognizing our pain/suffering and understanding ourselves rather than condemning ourselves.  It’s giving ourself a hug instead of a bonk on the head.

Whose side are you on?

I’m conducting a personal experiment.  I am trying to notice how I talk to myself in my thoughts.  If I say something like “You’re terrible…. you lost your patience AGAIN!” I immediately stop and try to say the opposite: “You’re human, you will make mistakes.  Take a deep breath, apologize, and move on.  Do you need a cup of tea?” So far it’s been surprising how cared for and protected I feel.

I am also noticing more when things are really good.  Because of our innate tendency to focus more on negative than positive events, it does take mindful awareness to flip this around.  In moments of contentment, I actively hold the feeling and thoughts in mind and enjoy them.  If it’s a cuddle with my daughter, I feel my gratitude for her and her sweet little self.  I really notice and appreciate it because time moves on and she won’t want cuddles forever.

Let’s imagine that you said something to someone that you wish you hadn’t.  Maybe you forgot their name or called them by the wrong name.  Maybe you used words that were meant to be a compliment but it didn’t quite come out that way.  Maybe you shared something with someone that betrayed someone else’s confidence in you.  Imagine anything that happened like this that you regret and that caused you to feel foolish.

What do we do in these situations? If you are like most people, you talk to yourself as if you were the worst person who ever lived.  What if you tried to be your own best friend, giving yourself a hug and noticing your struggle? You need to behave toward yourself as if you’re on your side.  Meet your daily experiences with kindness.

“The common healing element in both mindfulness and self-compassion is a gradual shift toward friendship with emotional pain. Mindfulness says, “Feel the pain” and self-compassion says, “Cherish yourself in the midst of the pain”; two ways of embracing our lives more wholeheartedly. Mindfulness can lead to self-compassion, bringing in feelings of sympathy, forgiveness, tenderness, and love. In order to open our hearts, first we need to open our eyes.” (Germer)

Kristin Neff calls this a “Compassion Break.” She says we are not going to be perfect at it from the beginning.  We are planting the seeds and we must water them and let them grow.  It will become more reflexive the more we do it.

First, take a pause.  Be mindful of what you are feeling.  Be mindful of how you are talking to yourself.  Change your words.  Maybe remind yourself that this happens to many people all the time.  Remind yourself that this will pass.

There must be some self-care lacking in these situations in order to bring them about in the first place.  Allowing myself to feel compassion for myself would help me to take a breath, take a break, and regain composure.  The ability to allow ourselves to be whoever we are is what self-compassion is all about.

So what do we do now?

Sometimes acknowledging the hurt we are feeling brings a release.  When I talk to myself kindly and allow compassion to rise within, I can let go of what I think I should be doing or feeling, relax and breathe, and then let it go.

“Marshall Rosenberg, author of Nonviolent Communication, stresses the importance of using sympathetic rather than judgmental language when we talk to ourselves. He argues that to be at peace with ourselves, we should reframe our inner dialogues so that they express empathy for our basic human needs. Rosenberg’s suggested method for doing so involves asking four simple questions: 

• What am I observing?
• What am I feeling?
• What am I needing right now?
• Do I have a request of myself or someone else?

These four questions allow us to listen deeply to what we need most in the moment.” (Neff)

One idea is to “soften into physical discomfort.” Notice tense muscles and loosen them.  Notice held breath and take some deep ones.  Take a nap.  Eat healthy food.  “The compassionate response is to step back and allow your thoughts to come and go – to stop resisting.” (Germer)

The main point is that you validate and listen to what you really need in the moment, and you express empathy toward yourself rather than condemnation.

Every one of us have improvements we could make.  Let’s first accept our cluelessness and lack of perfection.  Let’s accept ourselves in every moment.  “By changing the way we relate to our own imperfection and pain, we can actually change our experience of living.” (Neff)

Share how this works or could work for you.

Missed any Self-compassion September posts? Read them here.