Playing ping pong with myself – the opposite of living deliberately

The other night, I fell asleep reading before I could eat my “usual” chocolate bar. It’s become a habit I am extremely ashamed of – this stack of Dove bars that sits in my night stand waiting for me.  Then there are the bags of caramel corn “light” popcorn, which would be fine if I ate the recommended serving size, which is about 1/7 of the bag.  But I eat the whole bag.  Sigh.

Once the weight started coming on, I started having to physically slow down.  My knees were the first to begin aching.  Then I noticed that going up and down stairs was problematic.  At the point I am now, I’m having trouble with everything.  I feel such a sluggish heaviness that doing most anything feels like triple the effort.  Even my hands are pudgy.

I hate it.

I hate it I hate it I hate it! And I’m hating myself for my weakness.

So I’ve had it.  This is not how I want to feel. I am stopping right now. I just had a cup of coffee and dunked in about 10 pieced of mandelbread.  What is wrong with me???

I have a feeling it’s stress and a sense of mental overwhelm.  So I have just sat down with myself and made a list of priorities and things I need to change.  The fact that I’ve been flying by the seat of my pants for a few months is part of it.  It’s time to stop responding to whatever pops up and start living deliberately.

I know it’s understandable that this happened.  I have so many things going on at once in my daily life, so much change, and I have not made time to connect with myself or with Mr. B. I go from one cluttered, messy room to the next in this new house, trying to put a few things away as I’m rushing to get ready for the plumber/furniture delivery/repair person or dash to school to volunteer or head to IKEA or turn in cookie permission slips.  I am doing so much that I can’t even see myself in the rear view mirror.  I feel like a ping pong ball that is just flying from one place to another, getting whiplash and then falling in to bed exhausted (but usually not too exhausted to stuff myself with empty calories).  And every place I look in the house, in my calendar, in my email, on Facebook, there are reminders of other things still needing to be done.

So let’s start anew.  Right now.  No more yo yo dieting – lose 22 pounds, gain 15.  I plan to give myself some reflection time each day, probably first thing in the morning after school drop off, and preferably in combination with taking a walk.  I need to go back to doing a max of 3 tasks each day, not 30, interspersed with craft/book/fun time.  I need to drink a lot more water.  And mainly, I need to stop snacking.

I have a few main categories of things I want to get in order, and of course it just so happens that the next week has 2 major volunteer commitments, so I won’t be able to spend much time on it. Maybe that’s good.  I always have such high expectations for myself. It is good to begin by easing into it, thought that’s not my usual M.O.

(Oh, that reminds me, my sweet boy Mo is slowly dying and I tear up just writing that! I have been to the vet about once a week now for a month.) Yes, it’s been quite an emotional load, right? Just where is the line between having compassion for oneself and feeling self-pity?

My papers are in unorganized piles, I have not yet unpacked/found my short-sleeved shirts, girl scout cookie tablecloth and money box, my file folders, the top to the blender, my broiler pan, and I now have no tupperware, dressy shoes, or winter gloves.  My car is a dusty mess, the are crumbs on the floor despite vacuuming every day, and SG is watching too much YouTube.  I seem to be always running out the door, late to wherever I’m supposed to be.

All our account passwords and usernames are in a jumble in my head, I need to finish the contents loss spreadsheet for our house so I can turn in our tax paperwork, our home is getting torn down next week and I don’t know how that will feel, and I can’t believe people expect I’m ready to sign up for summer camps yet.

Every new thing feels like a weight so heavy that I want to cry.  I just can’t get ahead of it.

Deep breath.  Let’s start anew…