Here I sit, watching the rain and enjoying a cup of coffee. The house is quiet because Mr. B is sleeping and SG is away at summer camp. I can do this for about an hour before the inner voice gremlins start saying things like, “aren’t you going to exercise today?” and “you’d better start getting ready for the people who are coming over later for your class.”
I’m guessing that people have some self-talk that could use a little tweaking. “I messed up and ate a cookie today” could probably shift to something less shameful like, “I’ve been doing so well that I rewarded myself with a treat and boy was it good!”
It has been my plan for a couple months that once SG was off to camp for 3 weeks, I was finally going to head up to the art space and begin creating again. I have been wanting to resume this self-care practice for many months and there has always been some way to avoid doing it. Maybe that plan was its own method of avoidance?
It’s gotten to a point that I am afraid to begin. I do not know why! I hope that any sort of start will lead me into a routine. I have been tearing out words from home magazines for a word collage. Even just grabbing some glue and a canvas and working on it at the kitchen table would hopefully lead me to need a pen or even paint, which would be an easy transition into that space up there. It’s not organized yet, but it’s there waiting. So far, that hasn’t worked and I’m starting to shame myself about it.
Watching a show on tv, I think about how I am avoiding something that is good for me and that I need to be doing. Yesterday, even when I was doing some reading and writing and working on a puzzle, all of which I enjoyed, I was still telling myself that I should be upstairs getting started on my art. I am making something amazing feel like a chore.
I don’t know what this is all about but I do know that once I begin, the creative process will take over and time will fly by. Perhaps I’m afraid of that feeling of being in the flow? But why? Isn’t that what it’s all about? And since when do I let fear keep me from realizing my potential?
I hate to imagine you bring as bad as I am!!!
First off love the reframing of your inner voice on eating a cookie. Second. What is the class you are teaching?? And third. Your art will come when you are ready. You have been through trauma and your art was part of that. Be kind to yourself. You are a wonder!! ❤️
Hi Lori. I am facilitating a Mussar course for members of our congregation called “Seeking Everyday Holiness.” It’s been a fantastic experience being trained and with this small group.