A big exhale

SG is now at sleep-away camp for her very first time and she’s away from home for 3 weeks. The most time she’s been apart from us until now is 7 days I think, when she stayed with my parents. So this is incredibly huge for her! She wanted to go and she has been having a fantastic time there.  I know she is safe and entertained and growing and learning.  The fact that none of that involves me is so so strange, but welcome.

It’s scary to face the unknown, but especially without the people who you have always relied on! She is on uncharted ground but doing really well.  This experience must be teaching her that she is stronger and braver than she imagined.

Those of us with kids sometimes find ourselves playing martyr to our children and losing ourselves in the process. If my primary role is “mother,” what happens when that role changes?

It used to be that people had lots of children to support the farm or family business.  Women were expected to focus their effort and time on caring for and loving their spouse and children… and feel fulfilled by that and that alone.  Since then, “housewives” have become “stay-at-home moms” whose primary job is to “parent.” Yes, it’s a verb now.

So in what way do we sacrifice ourselves in our role as parent?

1. We go out of our way to be involved in every aspect of their life… academically, socially, ethically, physically… We have so much information today and that can make so many things stressful and cause needless worry.
2. We put our own self-interest on the back burner.
3. We feel we have to do everything ourselves.
4. We think we have to prepare them for anything and everything “just in case.”  One aspect of raising our children is that we have absolutely no idea what their world will be like when they are adults, who they might grow up to be, and what they need to be prepared for.  I can’t even imagine what job Sweet Girl will have that doesn’t even exist now.  And so I want her to have flexible skills and a general knowledge of everything.

For 9.5 years now, I’ve been a parent of a child with separation anxiety.  Parenting is one way I define myself, for sure.  I remember the first time Sweet Girl went into a dance class on her own.  The very first class she took as a 3-year-0ld, which was just her and a young teacher, I was in the room too.  In fact, it took half the 45 minute class time to get her to leave my side.  I could tell you about years of situations just like this. I have craved silence and space and time alone since day one because we are always together!

Recently, however, she started to surprise us by not following her usual pattern.   We went to a birthday party and we explained in advance that we would stay for a few minutes but then we’d be leaving and would be back to pick her up.  “Cool… see ya, folks.” Not only that, but we returned to see her helping a lost, crying kid to find his parents.  This scenario has repeated itself in various ways in the last few months.  She has surprised and amazed us by trying new foods, playing at friends’ houses, going on school field trips without me, and playing on her own.  Finally, there’s some breathing room.

I know that SG is quite capable of doing things on her own and I really have been pushing that lately. And this new-found freedom is not for lack of huge work.  She and I talked endlessly about camp for months.  I weaved it into many conversations, taught her camp songs, worked on trying new foods, read books about girls growing up and accomplishing things on their own.  We were side by side as we made lists, went shopping, and packed.  She was ready for this experience and seems to be loving it there.  So I feel that I earned this break!

This is a turning point for both of us.

Being together nonstop is not good for anyone.  She and I have a very close relationship, which is wonderful, but I think it has also kept her from trying new things and seeing what she is capable of.  For me, I didn’t realize how much of my time and identity being a mom has become.

It took me a few days to unwind and feel the calmness in the house, being grateful for the quiet, and now I really feel her absence. 3 weeks is a long time for both of us, but good for building resilience on her part and trust on mine.  When I was helping her unpack her things into her cubbies, I had a realization that taking her to college might be pretty similar.  That was weird! Of course, when she’s in college, I could call her! (Plus, I hope to have even more faith in her ability to… you know… eat and sleep.)

And so I am catching up with myself and enjoying this break.  Rather than having a few hours, always watching the clock, now I have a vast amount of time to fill however I like.  First it was filled with new-house tasks, but then I felt the stress finally beginning to lessen.  I don’t have to live by the clock for awhile.  The things I could do are limitless really… go out at night, take a vacation, or binge watch an entire Netflix series all at once.

It turns out that I like doing not much of anything! I hope to give myself permission to do nothing more often.  I want to try to focus on my own needs even if all of SG’s needs haven’t been met. I cannot let myself give so much that I veer toward martyrdom.  Then I can be present for my family (and everyone else) with my best self.