Letter to myself (and to humanity) from my higher self

Dearest girl,

Let’s talk for a minute. You need to chill and I’m here to help you gain some perspective.

You are feeling out-of-sorts. You are feeling flickers of annoyance many times each day because of the imposed togetherness of your situation. You need your space away from others and time to reflect and process your experiences, and you do not have that right now. You feel that the lack of personal time for introspection and study is building up a dam inside of yourself and that the mounting pressure is going to explode someday soon.

Why are you trying to tackle everything all at once? You are planning activities for your daughter like you’re all-of-a-sudden running a summer camp for hundreds. You are making meals and cleaning dishes and countertops seemingly nonstop. You are responding to countless requests for troubleshooting internet passwords and school software issues, locating lost items, and cravings of attention from daughter and even from the cat.

You have been a trooper. Really. I see that you thrive on the fact that all of humanity is in the same boat on this one. The idealist in you loves that every single being, no matter where or what, is facing an invisible enemy in this virus and in the resulting need that we change our behavior. It’s even kind of fun for you as a novelty, a break from usual thinking. You have long wanted global change and you see this as a huge opportunity for positive results. (I also see that the cynic in you thinks humanity will squander this opportunity just as quickly as it was offered.)

All of Facebook content is somehow about this current virus. You smile inside when you see people giving of themselves in a myriad of inspiring ways. You read even more now about the failure of your government and are not surprised at all. A quick check of your phone shows that your email is a listing of virtual events, coping strategies, and offerings related to this too.

Socially, friends are posting about their days, sharing humor, asking questions about school platforms, pointing out the shocking ineptitude of our leaders. You know what? You don’t have to be annoyed by this. You can decide not to look at it. They are doing this to cope. They need to virtually reach out and find connection. You may feel it as too much intrusion. They see it as not enough togetherness.

I know it’s very hard for you to accept the new reality. Being together 24/7 with your family has been a challenge to your patience. If you’re being honest with yourself, there are even moments when you’re doubting that you can power through for an indefinite period of time.

Everyone is wondering what life will be like once this is over, if this is ever completely over. Will things go back to how they were? What will the world feel like after we have all experienced such a cathartic change?

It’s ironic isn’t it that while other people are having trouble with the isolation and restrictions of this situation, you are craving alone time? You need time without Anderson Cooper in your living room, gorgeous and brilliant as he is, telling you about the economy, medical shortages, timelines, unequal healthcare access, and deaths. Please remember that it is a journalist’s job to describe what is happening. Do not fault them.

You are yearning to talk about something else. I know that if you were to have time to yourself right now, you would dive so deeply into writing or art or home projects that you’d be happy to stay isolated for years. And so I really am regretful that you cannot have this time for that purpose.

I recognize how difficult this is for you and I know you need time to focus on yourself. I have to let you know, gently of course, that you are not going to be getting that any time soon. It is going to be ok though. You are going to be ok.

What can you do to make the best of this? What lessons might you learn here? What strengths do you have within you that you can pull from right now?

We’ll get back to those questions.

First, I want you to know that it is completely ok to be worried, annoyed, scared, irritable, and to feel the countless other emotions that come up. Whatever your heart and mind are telling you, it is normal and it is ok. As a global family, we have never been in this situation before. As Naomi, you also have not experienced anything like this before. It is ok to feel all the feels.

You’ve lost so much. Security. Control. Certainty. Plans.

It’s normal to feel sadness and grief at such massive losses. Your daughter will not be returning to her school to complete fifth grade and will not have that right of passage of “graduating” elementary school. She may not get to go to summer camp. Your extroverted husband will not be able to enjoy socializing with coworkers and friends on business trips. You will not be able to focus on your classes or hobbies with both of these people literally in your space.

It’s a sadness that may not go away for awhile. As human beings realize that our lives are far more fragile than we otherwise thought, we are all grieving. Every hour, more precious lives are extinguished. Our systems are breaking. We are seeing scarcity of vital resources and a lack of leadership.

How can you turn this around away from yourself?

This is not about you. You can try to think about this as a parent and make your daughter’s memories of this event positive and special. You can remember that there is a huge amount of suffering that this virus is causing to many people (though please don’t focus on this because it will completely overwhelm you). You can also notice that every hour, another example of selflessness and global unity shines forth.

You, Naomi, will have time again for your books, your writing, your art, your classes. You may not have this time with your daughter back though. She is right at the threshold of adolescence. Things are going to change… your relationship with her may change. She may not even want to follow you around 24/7, if you can believe that.

If you can keep this in mind, I think you will easily let go of your annoyance and embrace your given closeness. Maybe this could even be a buffer that’s been given to you to positively alter any future mother/daughter conflicts.

She needs exactly you right now and what you can give to her. For her, you are certainty. You are ideas. You are possibility. You are her normal. Make those cookies together. Play that annoying game once again. Keep smiling, listening, and giving of yourself.

You have a new normal these days. However, you are her constant and this need not change. You do not need to have limitless patience or be more than who you humanly are… just try to see this time as a divine gift. Choose to take advantage of it rather than reject it or resent it.

So, those questions. How can you make the best of this? What lessons might you learn here? What strengths do you have within you that you can pull from right now?

You’ve been given quite the challenge. For humanity, it’s an opportunity to allow our broken openness to change us and change long-held patterns. That said, YOU do not need to think about that. You have never been the problem and you will always be willing to help with positive change. Instead, let’s think about you personally.

How can you make the best of this? Place your focus higher.

For example, rather than think of the dusty floors as one more thing you’ve got to do, realize that your beautiful home is the setting of what is playing out. You want it to be clean because you get to spend all your time here. Deal with the dust at the same time as you appreciate your setting.

Another example: rather than be annoyed that you have less time to participate in your online discussions, learning, and classes, realize that you are now using your time for something more important. Be content with just a little bit of your usual content: you may not be able to keep up with all of your podcasts or your classes, and that’s ok. When you are interrupted, let your first thought be, “this precious girl needs me and she will always remember that I am here for her.” Remember that your higher self is always watching you too and wanting to see generosity, not impatience.

Keep things manageable. You do not need to attend every virtual concert, play, or national park tour just because it’s offered! There’s no need to add to your to-do list just because something is available. Take off anything from your list that entails extra effort that you are not excited about because you are already doing more than you normally do. What if you limited yourself to 3 main tasks each day? You could let go of continually thinking you should be doing more.

What lessons might you learn here? Can you practice patience in your usual mussar way? Take a page in your notebook and make an accounting of how many times you actively choose patience over a negative reaction. See if you can keep improving each day. Each week, choose another focus: mindfulness, generosity, compassion, enthusiasm, gratitude, humility, curiosity, joy. There are enough middot to get you through this segment of time and you can always repeat.

Use the practice of mussar and be curious about what you can be learning about yourself in every moment. The goal is to be always climbing the ladder of growth with wholeness and holiness in mind.

This is a great chance for you to learn how to speak up and say exactly what you need. You can tell your husband and daughter if you need a few minutes alone. They want to help you! If you do not verbalize your needs, there is little chance they will read your mind.

It’s important to remember the reason that you are isolated inside your home. There is no dangerous storm coming, nor is there physical danger. You are preserving human life. You are staying healthy and not adding to the mounting health crisis. You are actively helping, which is a great thing.

Also remember that you get to decide your response in any situation. You can let it happen to you or you can be in charge of your actions and beliefs.

What strengths do you have within you that you can pull from right now?

Empathy to recognize how hard this is for others. Compassion for yourself and for others. Intelligence to know that this too shall pass. Patience to swallow your annoyance and take care of someone else.

Remember that you are not in crisis. Everyone you know is healthy right now. You have more than everything you need. Another strength is that you are abundantly blessed.

Naomi, look into your bright future with hope and with the knowledge that this situation does not have to be seen as a loss. You are gaining wisdom and memories and experience in every moment. It’s all in how you look at it.

With endless love and understanding,

Me. Well, you.