Choosing health: physically and spiritually

I know I’m not alone in boomeranging between actively being healthy and letting things go to the back burner. I was doing so well and was so motivated leading up to Sweet Girl’s Bat Mitzvah a year ago. I lost 25 pounds! But then my resolve left me, I took a break from my trainer, and started eating sweets again. I have been in denial that extra calories in equals extra weight. Now I weigh more than I ever have before.

More and more, I dislike my appearance. I am getting a big tummy and tush. My face looks heavier. My fingers look pudgy. It’s completely vain, but I really don’t like my physical body right now, and because of it, I sometimes doubt myself in other arenas too. This leads to the second point, because our outer movements connect to our inner world. I’m not living by my own values… I am not treasuring and maintaining the body I have. I am not making wise choices. I am not being disciplined enough. Therefore, I judge myself harshly.

I truly wanted to find the motivation that would outweigh my sloth. But I just couldn’t. Thinking long-term didn’t help. Telling myself that my body is a gift from God didn’t help. Being ashamed of how I look didn’t help.

Why is this so hard??? It seems like a simple decision: don’t eat the chocolate, the chips, the candy!

A few things changed:

1. We have some family members who have had health issues that could have been prevented with proper physical care of themselves.
2. Mr. B is actively taking charge of his own health – going to checkups, eating better, exercising.
3. I’m frequently out of breath. It’s harder to go up and down stairs. I have heartburn. I am just heavier, which seems to make everything else more difficult. 
4. I know I am better than this.
5. I’m tired of thinking about this and feeling bad about myself.

And so I began what always works for me… eating 1200 calories a day and going for walks. This is the physical part.

The motivation is spiritual. It came primarily from a new teaching in a Mussar course I have been taking for almost two years now.

Step 1, becoming aware, is big. “Hitlamdut” is an essential aspect because you have to watch your own thoughts and tendencies. In my Alei Shur class, we were discussing – and this is a generalization – how the things we take pleasure in could come from either our lower selves or from a higher place. In making choices, it’s one thing to choose chocolate, laying around or sitting all day at a desk, etc. It is pleasurable, yes, but in order to make elevated choices, I must find a way to make healthy food and exercise pleasurable too. Only then will I be able to become transformed within myself, to grow.  

Here’s the logic of the method:

1. Become aware of my instincts and tendencies. Check.
2. Choose to move from living instinctively to living consciously. The hardest part for me.
3. Choose the right way of acting. Actually not that hard once Step 2 is done.

Step 2, THE CHOICE, is where you consciously decide to make an elevated decision. In this teaching, it comes from an awareness of the deeper level within us that is God-like. In this way, the choice AND OURSELVES are elevated. You are becoming more aware and then choosing to act based on that awareness, acting from the most Godly place.

My higher self knows what is best for me. In following that diet/exercise plan, I am deciding to enjoy those things too. I will enjoy the salad because I know I’m taking care of my body. I will take pleasure in movement because it is a privilege that only a physical person has. Once I can find a way to find pleasure in something, the theory goes that I will want it. I will incorporate it into who I am.

Of course I want to live on this level!

Exercise (lower self says yuck) must be viewed as pleasurable in order for it to become something I want to do. So I’m just getting my body moving – starting slow.

The other big thing that happened is that I made this mundane conundrum public in the Q&A part of the class. A few people reached out to me to offer support or to thank me for being vulnerable and honest. THAT WAS BIG. The simple truth that other people struggle in the same way and that they were cheering me on nudged me in the right direction.

I am knowingly tricking myself into this. I am going to take it 30 days at a time. If I think I only have to be resolute in refusing chocolate chip cookies, dessert, chips, etc. for 30 days, I can do it. If I restrict myself to 1200 calories a day for only 30 days, I can do it. And then… the reward will be noting how I feel, the weight I lost, what clothes fit better, etc. 

And then I will decide to do it again for another 30 days. I think the reason the Bat Mitzvah worked as motivation for me for 3 months was that it was time-bound and there was an end-point. (Obviously, we should be eating healthy and exercising our entire lives, etc.) So I’m giving myself artificial end-points. 

And then there’s this new beginning. It’s a new year. In May, I will graduate from my Masters program and also I might see a bunch of friends in person at a Mussar retreat.  Four or five cycles of 30 day sprints should take me far.

I’m really excited about this. One week in, I’m not finding it too difficult to adhere to. I feel like I’m on this journey with some of my fellow Mussarniks. I wish the benefits were noticeable, but I know it takes time.

I’ll keep you posted.