Have you ever had a moment where you noticed you weren’t being yourself? We humans have a need to be seen and recognized for who we are. Whenever I am suppressing my true self in order to fit in, I have to ask myself “what’s the point?”
I recently witnessed a heated exchange between two AJR students, and I’ll spare you the details, but one of them was clearly prioritizing being Black over being Jewish. Her very personhood is about experiencing the world through her racial identity. Then she’s a female, and then she’s Jewish. (This is not scientific in the slightest, and possibly there are other identities in this intersectionality, but it’s what I heard in their conversation.) I’ve been wondering about her ever since, about her past experiences and how she came to be who she is now. How was she different 5 or 10 years ago?
Saturday night and Sunday is the Jewish holiday of Purim. People wear costumes, have tons of fun, and we read the Book of Esther (twice traditionally). It’s gotten me thinking about two things: being authentic and being proud of who I am.
Generally the Purim story is about self-knowledge and discovery. Queen Esther originally hid her Jewish identity to assimilate into palace life and society, but ends up revealing her religion in order to save the Jewish people from Haman, the evil advisor to the king who wanted to kill all the Jews in Persia. Esther’s uncle Mordechai advises her, “Perhaps it was for this moment that you have been created.” (I always get a shiver right there at that line.) She is in the perfect position to save the lives of her people. In the end, Esther reestablishes a commandment-based community, advising gifts to the poor, etc.
There are obvious parallels between the Book of Esther and to the antisemitism of today and the October 7 massacre by Hamas. I would say those two evils, Haman and Hamas, only differ by one letter, but Hamas is actually an Arabic acronym for “Harakat al-Muqawama al-Islamiya” – The Islamic Resistance Movement. The tale is also a dig against present and future Diaspora Jews who have abandoned ritual and God and adopted the cultural norms of their surroundings. They are in physical and spiritual exile.
We have a few of those as well these days. The “Jewish left” has separated from the rest of the community. It was probably gradual, but it feels like it just happened. Jews who are so “progressive” (read: uneducated in modern Jewish history) that they call out Israel as an oppressor. I think our people are redefining the parameters of Jewishness based on who is loyal to Israel and who is not. (Being critical of Israel’s terrible government is not antisemitism, btw.) AJR has a few new students from other schools due to this issue. It’s natural to have a variety of forms of observance, but these are Jews who do not know who they really are in relation to their own culture, their surrounding culture, or their Creator. It was a problem in the Persian Empire and it remains a problem today. In moments of crisis, who are you? Are you with us or against us? Sadly, they do not know enough to be with us, and that is a collective responsibility.
The Hebrew word “Esther” is related to the word “hester,” meaning “hiding.” Esther has hidden her true identity to those around her and often to herself. She would never have become queen had it been known that she was a Jew. In fact, she is putting her life on the line by telling the king.
We all try on masks and identities from time to time, but they are not who we really are. Sometimes we need to ask ourselves what keeps us from dropping the mask. Wearing a kippah around Europe today may get you killed. As antisemitism becomes normalized in America, more and more people are being careful. I am too.
I think there are times to be clear about who you really are and claim it as truth. Being honest with the world and with yourself can be really difficult. A book I read recently highlights this perfectly. In short, a man with a wife and family could no longer suppress his female-identity (I don’t even know how to properly say this) and transitioned to being a woman. It is heartbreaking sometimes to be true to yourself.
Purim is followed 30 days later by Passover, so taking off our masks is part of the journey of liberation. We should strive to live honestly and courageously and try to bring about a world where everyone else does this too. What does the world call you to be? And if you are not being honest about who you are, then what is the point?
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After October 7 and the crisis that continues to unfold for Jews around the world, I stand firmly and clearly behind Jewish ethics and morality. I am proud to be learning how to carry on a tradition of great resilience and learning.
As I wrote here recently, I am sometimes ecstatic with what I get to do with my days. I have this little card on my windowsill at my desk that says:
AWARENESS
In the entire history of the universe, let alone in your own history, there has never been another day just like today, and there will never be another just like it again. Today is the point to which all your yesterdays have been leading since the hour of your birth. It is the point from which all your tomorrows will proceed until the hour of your death. If you were aware of how precious today is, you could hardly live through it. Unless you are aware of how precious it is, you can hardly be said to be living at all. — Frederick Buechner
Just last night watched a recording of a Mussar class based on the writings of Rav Kook, and discovered this concept: “Today, I am exactly the person I was destined to be. I had to take those detours and make those mistakes in order to be who I am RIGHT NOW. I have everything I need to be me right now, and still I must continue to engage in the process of becoming complete.”
I got shivers when I heard this. I have almost let go of the regret of not going to rabbinical school 25 years ago, having heard “that wasn’t your time.” And I am grateful for all of what I have accomplished, the people I’ve met, the jobs, becoming a mother, running a school book fair, designing our home. But that those steps were NECESSARY… I had not considered that. That helps me cultivate faith and trust.
In the class, I wrote down 3 things about myself that I love: curiosity, compassion, and wanting to help others. And 3 things I dislike: impulsivity, sensitivity, and judgmental tendencies. However, as I learned that those negative-seeming traits are also gifts that I have for a reason, I viewed them differently. Impulsivity can be a very good thing when following my curiosity to learn something new. Sometimes I’ll read a bunch of books on one topic and that can be fun. Sensitivity, which generally I see as a strength, can be a little too much sometimes, but this aids in allowing for compassion for others and can counteract the judgment. Plus, loving myself more will lead to judging myself less, which will then help me to judge others less.
So that is one or two masks I can stop wearing.
Love the message and the way you weave yourself through history. You are so wise.
“…one of them was clearly prioritizing being Black over being Jewish. Her very personhood is about experiencing the world through her racial identity.” I will never truly understand the Black experience because I’m white. Being a child of the 60s and liberal-ish parents taught me the benefits of being a “love child”, love first, judge with your heart, then your eyes to look for intent, then with your ears to hear the heart of the other. Now that I am acquainted with more Blacks than Whites, and I’m IN my 60s, I’m more aware of the cultural differences. I appreciate them more.
It’s always been difficult being an American Jew. Unless you are among othr Jews growing up, going to shul, camp, JCC, etc… Jews are spread out in Houston’s vast geography. Your mother, my sister took to Judaism more than I did. One of my daughters took to it more than the other. I find that interesting.
The Mussar lesson is part of my philosophy. I am as me as I’ve ever been and all the mistakes I’ve made, if I learned from them or not, makes me, well… ME.
The whole take away of this article, for me, is this: Right or left, Black or White, Jew or not, human beings see their SELVES first because we live inside the body we were given. We are influenced by our pasts, our families, friends, culture and experiences. If a cat scratched our eye as a child we might not like cats as an adult. If we are taught to hate or we are a victim of hate, we learn to hate.
Aunt Val