A year later…

One year ago today, October 27, a shooter killed 11 people from 3 congregations in the Tree of Life building in Squirrel Hill. So many thoughts are circling in my mind and the best way to process them? Write!

First of all, how has it already been a year? When I heard the news, my daughter and I were at a Girl Scout volunteer event. (Read that post, “We are all refugees,” here). We rushed home and checked on everyone we could think of who we knew from Pittsburgh. We lived there over 15 years ago now, but so much of our sense of community comes from living and working in Pittsburgh.

Of course mass shootings happen all too frequently. Columbine. Virginia Tech. Newtown. Charleston. Christchurch. Dayton. El Paso. Poway.

The increase in antisemitic, anti-LGBTQ, anti-minority attacks in the last 4 years in America makes it apparent that no one can take for granted that they are safe.

As you’ve probably heard already, Squirrel Hill is a small, melting pot neighborhood where many faiths and ethnicities live and work together seamlessly and respectfully. In my work there in community relations, I was privileged to be a monthly fly on the wall during a longstanding Christian-Jewish dialogue as well as a Muslim-Jewish dialogue.

Just this past week, as she was learning a prayer, I heard my daughter ask her Hebrew tutor why some people don’t like Jewish people. My heart seemed to stop. I think I paused my breathing until I heard the answer she would give. She said it was a good question and one that people have been asking for thousands of years. She paused to think and then said that there are lots of ways to be different and that it’s important that we learn from everyone. We must try to understand that all people are connected and are similar in more ways than different. I would probably have added something in there about love always being better than fear. My daughter accepted the answer and moved on.

But really… I don’t understand either why such hatred and lack of reason exists, sometimes leading to senseless violence. What unrest is happening in our society that is causing these events? I have read books about the economy, racism, politics, etc. and still don’t really have an answer I like. I have been hearing my daughter’s little voice ask her question over and over in my head. What is a parent to tell a child?

A positive outcome of any event like this is the coming together of community to be even stronger than before. Huge numbers of people from all over the world reached out to Pittsburgh to help those going through this trauma and grief. I’m reminded of a mosque here in Houston that was burned to the ground in a hate crime a few years ago and how contributions came from far and wide to help rebuild. We see one individual reaching out from their heart to another so frequently that we barely register such generosity of spirit.

The threat to the safety of Jewish, Muslim, Black, Latino and any other vulnerable community anywhere in the world is echoed with our unity against white nationalists.  More security is in place, changes in legislation are occuring, and people are healing. Pittsburgh’s strong interfaith community is a model of how unity and strength can highlight goodness, not hatred.

Community is what pulls people through any trauma. In my experience, it is the people who stand beside you to help you through that really make a difference. But community, in this case, is also about actively engaging in Jewish life. It’s not enough to attend the rally or sign the petition. Each of us needs to take it upon us to find some way to engage in our own Jewish community and to sustain the wider, global Jewish People. Yes, we are a long-standing, resilient people, but we must continue to build community in order to remain so. How can I best ensure that there will be a Jewish community for my child or my grandchild unless we reverse the trend toward isolation and un-affiliation? I fear the outcome should we remain on the current trajectory.

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Virtual Moment of Remembrance

The Pittsburgh community invites friends from around the world to pause — wherever they are — and share in a collective moment of remembrance.

Sign up to receive a text message at 5:00 pm that will contain a video with a mourning prayer and the names of the 11 people who lost their lives.

Join this virtual moment of remembrance by visiting www.pausewithpittsburgh.com.

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AJC’s 2019 Landmark Survey on Antisemitism in America

(Photo taken at Muir Woods July, 2018.)

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Permission to loosen up

One day last week, I gave myself a 6-hour vacation.  It wasn’t anything special. After I took my daughter to school, I climbed back into bed and read a few chapters of a book and even let myself take a nap. I ate lunch at the dining room table, looking outside and enjoying the warm food. I sat on the couch and looked through a magazine. See? Nothing special.

But…

for someone who has been overdoing/overthinking/over-scheduling/over-planning for months now, it was revolutionary.

I realize that I write this very same post just about every year at this time, but well, what can ya do?

School book fair: teacher lists, fliers, volunteer coordination, pre-orders, schedules, financials, publicity

Middle school search: tours, open houses, parent meetings, deadlines

Mussar facilitation: recruiting, learning, materials, organization, coordination, planning

Moving: packing, planning, utilities, organization

Building a house: ha ha – like I can list everything! so much to do!

(Loss of a cat: heartbreaking to see our other cat calling out and looking everywhere for her)

Trying to cram more things into a day than I have time for is tiring.  Adding “just one quick stop” here or “let me make a quick phone call” there definitely adds up, and trying to keep everything straight in my head takes lots of brain cells.  I’m quite accomplished at pushing myself to go, Go, GO – to keep adding more tasks until I’m depleted of energy. 

I have been thinking about the timing of all these things at once and wondering what the lesson is for me. I think it’s about loosening the reins of control.  Since there are so many moving parts to each one of these projects, often I simply cannot schedule things in advance.  Sometimes the class is going to happen at the same time that the storage unit is being delivered. And that is ok.

And so I seem to be letting things be whatever they will be.  So what if I have to buy the birthday party present on the way to the party?! So what if this isn’t the best book fair ever? So what if I’m late to a meeting? (OK, I can’t seem to do that one because it’s dishonoring of other people, but you get the idea.)

I aI am recognizing my potential franticness and tamping it down a little.  
I also realized that I’m spreading myself thin in order to be in so many places. Since all the projects have to be there, I am trying to be more present and very protective of my time.

I have accepted that for the next couple of weeks, lots of things are going to be in disarray. My strong need for organization will eventually overcome the chaos and all will fall into place.

I might even plan another 6-hour vacation afterward!

Posted in Home, Mindfulness, Self-compassion | 2 Comments

House update #22: wallpaper and landscaping

Friday, 10/18 (14 days): We could go upstairs wearing socks today. I walked the house with the carpenter to place all our hardware. Took several hours. The oak tree was put in, as were about half the plants.

Outdoor kitchen substructure
Backyard: placing plants in place
So far: Katie Ruellia, Boxwood, Mondo grass
Horse Tail Reeds for driveway planters
Here so far: Japanese Yew, Sunshine Ligustrum, Baby Boxwood, Dianella Flax Lily
It amazes me how fast these got in the ground! We added one Crepe Myrtle because we’ve always had those in our yard.
We didn’t have room for the 42″ pots down below so we put them on the porch
SG’s room
SG’s room
Master back wall

Saturday, 10/19 (13 days): Placing hardware and mirrors with carpenter, more wallpaper and landscaping, sanding floors, more electric

Sweet Girl’s wallpaper – 2 walls done
All walls done
Backyard palm going in
LOVE
This light fixture was off-center so we moved it over
Master back wall, ceiling fan, ceiling light strip, bedside table lamps
Master bath mirrors
Door knobs!
Office hardware
Pantry hardware
Laundry room mural
Golden cane palms behind waterfall
Backyard irises will clump together
Bouganvilla is special to us since our honeymoon

Sunday, 10/20 (12 days): Staining floors today and for next 3 days.

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House update #21: turf, lighting, etc.

Thursday, 10/17 (15 days): So much can happen in one day! More lighting, backyard artificial turf, we lost and then found the guest room vanity, gas meter put in, more electric work. Perimeter fence removed. Backyard grading. Upstairs floor still being stained so only on first floor today. Sanding floor. Paint outside.

This one is from a few days ago.
gutters and downspouts
Minor quandary: I couldn’t stand these fans being different heights
They were able to cut the longer downrod and now… all better
Preparing the backyard for turf
Amazing!
Front bed prep
Large pots came
Craft room under-cabinet lighting
Audio/visual system
Flood vents installed
Gas meter installed
Craft room light
Mr. B office light fixture
Front door glass!
Posted in Home | 1 Comment

House update #20

Mainly because the floors are going to take 3+ days to stain/cover/dry, we changed our move date 7 days. November 1, ladies and gents, is the big day.

Thursday 10/10: laundry pass-thru, place mailbox, driveway gate location, documents for flood insurance, audio visual system begging to get trimmed out, gutters getting installed, more tile backsplash, plumbers putting in faucets, painters working, Madeval adjusting kitchen cabinets for appliances

Thursday 10/10
Thursday 10/10
I built the hamper so they could do a cutout on the other side

Friday 10/11: style of outlet covers, exterior light trim kit, select artificial grass, locations for usb-c outlets, place master barn door handles, lots of electricians – can lighting going in

Friday 10/11
Master bath tub is in!!! I LOVE IT.
master bedroom tv nook finished
can lighting and speaker trim
Meeting with gate company about railings
pavers in place

Saturday, 10/12: gutter install, decking in backyard, painting continues, more electric and plumbing, mailbox in place

Front view as of weekend
This sliding door was accidentally painted blue like our doors but now is black
Raised lower deck platform
Cali Bamboo going on top of deck platform
Media rack being built. This houses controls for all tvs, speakers, internet, the alarm system, etc.
Trufig outlet will allow for the backsplash to be continuous… you’ll see

Monday, 10/14: Meeting with landscaper to decide lighting, oak tree placement, final garden design and plants. It is going to be so amazing – I’m excited. The representative delivering the oak tree laughed at me that she should bring it on Saturday. She said we’d never be ready.

Worker vehicles line the street! Today we have irrigation, landscaping, plumbing, painters, electricians, and audio/visual
Upper deck in process
Upper deck
Back lower deck
Lower deck
sanding the floors
Master bath shower head is in!
Master bath

Tuesday, 10/15: Selected floor stain

The blue X is the winner
Stairs
Firepit installed
Downspouts
I can’t believe the bed is already cleaned, irrigation is finished, and soil is ready for planting … in one day!

Wednesday, 10/16: Mr. B spent time with the cable guys. I was away all day and went over around 4pm to see downstairs lighting being installed. Holy smokes! I was blown away.

Front porch
Garage is white!!! Still to stain window trim and replace lights
Fruit trees relocated to the side
This guy is digging plumbing to connect the room over the garage to the water line
Porch ceiling stain
And also for craft room doors
Entry floor lighting – very cool
Stairs stained. Working on second floor.
Installing my 5 globe pendants
My office
Powder bath
Living room light – I might have squealed. It’s stunning. I bought this fixture first of all of them… over a year ago now.
LOVE IT!
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Liminal space

“We can’t let scary things distract us. We can’t let unfair things stop us. We can’t let annoying things make us give up… Soooooo buck up, little brave girl. You are gonna make it, and it is going to be AWESOME. You are so very loved.” ~ Melody Ross, Brave Girls Club

The words above were in today’s inspirational email. They are always very timely.

I have been a little bit overwhelmed of late. I am very excited that our house will be finished in 11 days (eek!) and yet there is so much happening that I don’t know how I could possibly do it all.

I was venting to Mr. B on Saturday while we were clearing out our house’s garage and the room above it in preparation for carpet and paint. (Not sure why I saved some of that stuff, but 2 years later, it definitely had to go.) I told him that I have way too much on my plate right now. (Keep in mind that this is the end of his sales quarter and yesterday he pulled his back. We both are a little crazed.) My hope for our move was that I’d have time to unpack our things where we want them. Instead, I’m going to have to do that some other time and there will be boxes for a couple of months.

Life has gotten really hectic. I have been at the house many times a day lately as so much is happening. Still, big projects are coming up and they need my attention.

And then yesterday we had to put our sweet 1-year-old kitty to sleep.

She had been to the vet a few times last week and we learned that she had kidneys 3-4 times the size they were supposed to be. She is also anemic. She was on medicine for a few days but it was obvious that she was not getting better and she was not her normal, rambunctious self. She was not eating or drinking and so I decided that rather than wait and take her back to the vet today, I’d take her to the emergency clinic. There was very little they could do after the xray and bloodwork. She was bleeding internally and not responding to medication.

I’d already been having a rough day and this was a true shock. When the doctor told me that she is really, really sick and that poking and prodding her for a few more days and spending thousands of dollars would most likely lead to the same result, I put my head in my hands and cried. At that moment, it wasn’t even about the cat.

It feels a little bit to me that the blocks keep piling on top of one another and at some point, I’m going to fall over from the weight of them. So I just had to give myself a minute to surrender to them and feel sorry for myself. Then I felt a little better.

Keeping things in perspective, I realize life is pretty good right now. These are all first world problems… new house, volunteer projects, spirituality class facilitation, getting to search for a great middle school.

I called Mr. B and Sweet Girl to come over to the clinic. It is soooo hard to watch your child in emotional pain. So hard. I held her while she cried, which made me cry too. We talked to the doctor and decided together that the most humane thing to do was to say goodbye.

Interestingly, we lost our 12-year-old cat Sammy exactly 5 years ago. I remember it was Sukkot (the Jewish holiday that started yesterday evening where we spend time in temporary structures outside, symbolic of our time wandering in the desert). This holiday is meant to show us our own vulnerability and the impermanence of things, among other things.

As we grieve today and yet still look forward to good things to come in the next few weeks, we are reminded (yet again) that nothing is guaranteed. Not life, not home, not anything. We must be full of gratitude for what we do have: time with those we treasure most and memories of the rest.

I was looking for the Facebook post from 2014 about Sammy and came across this. Good reminder.

And finally, some bad poetry I wrote a couple weeks ago:

Expectations are a bitch
Unmet, the resistance within rises to a crescendo so deafening
Rational thought cannot come through
Only the weight of unread emails, oppressive heat, no personal space, pants getting tighter

Feed the fish, open the shades, clean the clothes, take out the trash
Scoop the litter box, vacuum the crumbs, wash the dishes, get to the gym
Design the flier, help the teachers, attend the class, make the dinner
Limit technology, get the mail, help a friend, select the pattern

Return the package, complete the application, schedule the meeting, finish the book
Buy the toothpaste, fix the printer, transfer the money, order the furniture
Stop, look, remember, appreciate
we are all doing the best that we can

Surrendering tears peek out a moment here and there
Before traffic and school pickup and you must do your homework and what do we have to eat
Budgets light fixtures grocery runs conference calls meetings deadlines
Adult concerns drain my simple joy

What if I can’t 
Something is bound to fail – parenting, moving, projects, responsibilities
How is it balls stay in the air most of the time
An introvert’s incessant iphone pulling like gravity

What am I meant to learn
Ups and downs ever steeper 
Listening, advising, ever full of motion and answers
What more can I give

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Posted in Home, Self-compassion | 2 Comments