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Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Posted on July 9, 2018 by Naomi

Tomorrow morning we will pick up Sweet Girl after her 3 weeks at camp. I’ve been thinking about what’s been absent from our home life while she’s been away.

Schedule. Raising kids definitely brings about a schedule and routine of meals, activity, and sleep. With her gone, there’s been no set wakeup time, no need to cook much, no limit on anything. There were days I didn’t even leave the house! It’s nice to have a break but I’m happy to get back into our routine.
Balanced living. This goes along with the schedule/routine. Because I’m sort of an “all-in” or “forget it” person, I stopped my daily nutrition and exercise focus. No weigh-ins or logging each morning, no daily walk, not much water consumption, no counting calories, no grocery shopping. This is ok for little breaks but I’m happy to get back into my healthy frame of mind.

Energy. SG is FUN! She has a very quick wit and is always making us laugh with things she’ll say or do. Her expressions and sarcasm are spot-on and hilarious. Having someone around who is full of life is a great way to keep your spirits up. I needed a break from this, but I’m looking forward to having her energy back in our house. Mr. B has said that it definitely feels like someone is missing around here.
Television. I haven’t watched it much while she’s been away, which is leading me to develop a limit on screen time for her going forward. This is the perfect time to implement it since she’s been away from YouTube for 3 whole weeks (and survived too!).
Household tasks. I guess once you stop cooking and cleaning, it all falls away. I’ve loved it, but alas, it can’t last.

Talk. I try to find a lesson or some value in everything and chat about it with SG. We discuss what someone could have done differently, gratitude for daily gifts like nature, food, little conveniences. Not talking to anyone all day was welcome, honestly, but I like knowing that I am shaping someone’s outlook toward the sunnier side of things. I most definitely have a child who does not know sitting silently!
Personal space. She is very loving and cuddly. Having had a break from her, I am looking forward to our connection again and the reassurance it gives her. Also, when she is with me, she is always following me and watching me. She will even pick up on my irritation and apologize to me, forcing me to tell her that she has not done anything wrong and to realize that I need to slow my roll. It’s hard to narrate every decision for her and explain how things work, but I hope to think of it as a privilege, not a burden. I have to say that it’s odd to drive through a bank cash machine and not give someone a mini lesson on budgeting, expenses, or saving!
Constant stimulation. As much as we try to foster friendships and her independence, we are just about everything to this girl. When I’m “parenting,” I am always looking for ideas for activities, things she could be learning, opportunities to help people, values and lessons to demonstrate… more about shaping a little life. It was great to bring my alertness way down. I had time for ME!

I absolutely enjoyed this 3-week break and I needed it way before now (being a mom for 10 years). Additionally, this time gave me a shift in perspective that I’m grateful for. I now have had ample time to appreciate the individuality and uniqueness of our daughter.

One of my summer projects is to catch up on annual family photo books. I was able to weed through the thousands of pictures that I had organized into monthly and then annual folders on an external hard drive, organize them into three Blurb books (so far), and get them ordered.

As I looked through all these moments in time that feel like “just yesterday,” I realized that I don’t remember the messes I had to clean up or the tantrums she had when she didn’t get her way. I don’t really call to mind my exhaustion and the constant busy-ness either… rushing to clean up the legos because we were late to music class. I only notice how precious the time was, which is what triggered my need to take pictures in the first place.

I know that it was my exhaustion in the early days of mommy-ness that led me to begin taking so many pictures. I remember thinking something like, “This is something I will want to fully experience and appreciate, but I just can’t summon the mental reserves at the moment. I’ll capture this and come back to it later.” Days just continued to unfurl that way and years went by. Looking at all the photos, I see now how absorbed SG would get in an art project or in play of any sort. I was concerned about the logistics, but she was fully in the moment. I’m determined not to rush her through those times anymore. Within reason, if she’s in flow with something, I am going to let her be as much as I can.

I am grateful to be a parent, but also for the privilege of being this particular child’s mother. Her unique blend of spirit and kindness brings us so much joy. So one intention going forward: look for the good.

When I feel sure that SG’s headed toward a future as an overweight, lying, shoplifting, shallow juvenile delinquent who sits around lazily all day eating skittles and watching mindless tv, I will remember that my perspective is everything. I know I have done the best job I could possibly do as a parent and that she is going to be a good, productive member of society some day. Everything in moderation, right? Let go. I’m doing so much and I must remember to chill out.

Another intention: continue the “me time” activities. Self-care is so important. Organizing the household paperwork makes me feel good (or at least prevents me feeling bad when I can’t find things). Keeping my closet orderly. Having a quiet cup of tea and reading a magazine. Making time for massage appointments, haircuts, and bookstore browsing. It all helps me be a happier and more content person, which in turn helps everyone.

Along these lines, it’s occurred to me that I am doing tasks that SG should be doing herself. She has taken care of quite a bit on her own while she’s been at camp. So I will delegate certain tasks to her. She can help with laundry and putting away her clothes. She can make her school lunches. She can manage her summer reading logs, due dates, etc. I will help her develop a system that works for her and then reinforce the positive. Maybe someday she’ll stop waking me up at 6am every. single. day.

We all need regular breaks when we can reconnect with ourselves and our partners. I am going to begin my days (as much as I can) with the peace I am seeking, rather than plow through tasks and obligations before allowing myself time with a book or a journal. We all know how that turns out. I intend to be mindful of my energy levels and self-soothe when needed. I have a post already written about simplifying all my projects, but sometimes (most times?) it’s just not possible. However, I can definitely give myself 5-10 minutes every day to begin with some calm.

Finally, I am going to enjoy my daughter. If we aren’t careful, another 9 years will go by in a blink and SG will be in college. For the next couple of years at least, SG is a sponge, willing to listen to our ideas and go along with our decisions. I’ve decided to enjoy the snuggles, conversations, and imaginative play while we have it around us. Seeing any inconveniences as temporary will give me the perspective I need to be mindful of what a gift I have right now.

Hopefully, SG’s time away will help grow her self-esteem and self-confidence and she will want more of these experiences. I respect her so very much for wanting to go despite her fear and I’m eagerly anticipating our reunion. 🙂

Posted in Mindfulness, Motherhood, Self-compassion | Tagged memories, parenting, schedule, screen time, time | Leave a comment

June update and book report

Posted on July 5, 2018 by Naomi

June has been a great month! The school year ended and relaxation began. At the beginning, Sweet Girl and I worked on getting packed for summer camp, but also watched movies, did puzzles, had some play dates, signed up for summer reading clubs, and worked our way down a list of recommended sweet shops in Houston. During the latter half, SG was at camp growing and learning and generally having a blast. I was home going to tile showrooms, reading, doing more puzzles, and making photo books. It’s been good to slow down and catch up with myself.

Do let me know what you’re reading! Right now I am working through Factfulness: Ten Reasons We’re Wrong About the World – and Why Things Are Better Than You Think by Hans Rosling and The Secrets of Happy Families: Improve Your Mornings, Rethink Family Dinner, Fight Smarter, Go Out and Play, and Much More by Bruce Feiler. Of course I’ll let you know how they are, but so far I can’t put them down.

13 Reasons Why by Jay Asher

I know that a teenager lacks the reasoning and perspective required to make complete sense of rejection, rumors, and peer pressure. I know the crushing disappointment after the pressure you put on one person to “save you,” unbeknownst to them. I understand how rejections and cruelty can feel like they are piling up until you can’t see anything good.Still, it’s frustrating to read about. The book asks us to take responsibility for our own actions and how they may affect someone else. It reminds me that it’s my job to provide that perspective to my own daughter, long before those teenage years, and that being available to her at home is invaluable.

The Future of Us by Jay Asher and Carolyn Mackler

Such a cute concept! It’s 1996 and Emma stumbles across her Facebook page from 15 years in the future. Then she and her friend Josh learn that actions today affect their futures and she decides to change her life. The chapters alternate viewpoint between Emma and Josh so we learn about their friendship and what they want for themselves in the future, which of course changes over time. I wonder though about all the references to the 90s that I understood but that a young adult today would probably not. It’s nothing earth-shattering, but this was a fun read.

Enchantress of Numbers: a Novel of Ada Lovelace by Jennifer Chiaverini

I just can’t give this book any more time… and I’m only 1/3 of the way through it. I’ve spent hours with it, waiting for the story to pick up the pace. Ada Lovelace was the daughter of Lord Byron, though she never met him and was raised by her very strict mother. This novel is told from Ada’s point of view as a sort of memoir, but it’s hard for me to believe she knew such detail about what took place when she was a baby, much less before she was born. I’m sorry to leave Ada just as she is becoming an adult in the book, but I’m frustrated with the slow pace and with her overbearing mother.

In Conclusion, Don’t Worry About It by Lauren Graham

Written by Gilmore Girls and Parenthood star that everyone seems to love, this is advice turned into a high school graduation speech. I don’t know… seemed like obvious advice to me. “You are enough just as you are” kind of thing. I appreciated her advice about investing yourself in whatever you do, as well as the small things in life actually being the big. If it had more personal anecdotes, I think it would have been much better. I read it in 10 minutes though! In conclusion, don’t spend money on it. 🙂

“Here’s a secret: The lows don’t last any longer than the highs do. Like clouds on an overcast day, sometimes we have to face the fact that what happens to us in life isn’t controllable, and if we wait a while, don’t take it personally, and decide to enjoy ourselves anyway, the sky will eventually clear up.”

My Year With Eleanor by Noelle Hancock

I love to read about personal journeys of self-discovery and growth, but this one had stories about and quotations by Eleanor Roosevelt woven in. Noelle decides to do one thing daily that scares her, and she tells hilarious tales of sky diving, climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro, and cage diving with sharks, with some standing up for herself and weekly hospital volunteer work thrown in. I particularly liked reading of her meetings with her psychotherapist, who encouraged her to move beyond fear and live in the present moment, as well as about her week working in a funeral home. Noelle has wonderful friends who stick with her and encourage her throughout her year of change and growth. I found it all quite entertaining.

“At the beginning of this project I’d gotten nervous about the mildest of challenges… But because the project was so big, it forced me to deal with my fear in a new way. As the year had progressed I’d noticed that the more I worried about future fears, the more overwhelmed I felt. I couldn’t conquer one fear while worrying about climbing Mount Kilimanjaro and skydiving and whatever else I had coming up, or fear would consume my life. So to make the project more manageable, I took it day by day, focusing only on the challenge right in front of me.”

“Eleanor was more than a celebrity — she was a role model. This was an anxious girl who grew up to become a social activist and a First Lady who held regular news conferences, wrote a newspaper column six days a week, and carried a pistol.”

Pachinko by Min Jin Lee

There is so much history between Koreans and Japanese that I didn’t know anything about. Lee writes with such attention to detail, it was as if I could touch and smell this story. This novel is expansive and covers four generations of a poor Korean family exiled in Japan, first struggling to survive and then with their identities. I liked it, but even at almost 500 pages, it felt to me to be choppy and left some stories untold. We are told of the milestones in their lives, but after the first half of the book, the thoughts and detail in the story dwindles.

“There was consolation: The people you loved, they were always there with you, she had learned. Sometimes, she could be in front of a train kiosk or the window of a bookstore, and she could feel Noa’s small hand when he was a boy, and she would close her eyes and think of his sweet, grassy smell and remember that he had always tried his best. At those moments, it was good to be alone to hold on to him.”

Approval Junkie: My Heartfelt (and Occasionally Inappropriate) Quest to Please Just About Everyone, and Ultimately Myself by Faith Salie

I’ve always liked the NPR program Faith sometimes appears as a guest on, “Wait, Wait, Don’t Tell Me.” This is a collection of humorous essays told as life stories and lessons. I could relate to so much of it – her school days, her marriages, family relationships, parenthood. What I didn’t relate to I still found very interesting to hear about – her acting career, fertility treatments. I care too much what people think also, but, like Faith, I’m learning to get on with it and care much less.

But caring too much about people liking you will confine you forever to mediocrity and second-guessing yourself and may force you to engage in meaningful conversation about following one’s dreams with your Uber driver so he’ll give you a five-star rating… Ultimately, an approval junkie desires most to please her toughest critic, which is herself.

Posted in Books - Monthly Reports | Tagged Ada Lovelace, Eleanor Roosevelt, Faith Salie, Jay Asher, Jennifer Chiaverini, Lauren Graham, Min Jin Lee, Noelle Hancock | Leave a comment

A big exhale

Posted on July 2, 2018 by Naomi

SG is now at sleep-away camp for her very first time and she’s away from home for 3 weeks. The most time she’s been apart from us until now is 7 days I think, when she stayed with my parents. So this is incredibly huge for her! She wanted to go and she has been having a fantastic time there. I know she is safe and entertained and growing and learning. The fact that none of that involves me is so so strange, but welcome.

It’s scary to face the unknown, but especially without the people who you have always relied on! She is on uncharted ground but doing really well. This experience must be teaching her that she is stronger and braver than she imagined.

Those of us with kids sometimes find ourselves playing martyr to our children and losing ourselves in the process. If my primary role is “mother,” what happens when that role changes?

It used to be that people had lots of children to support the farm or family business. Women were expected to focus their effort and time on caring for and loving their spouse and children… and feel fulfilled by that and that alone. Since then, “housewives” have become “stay-at-home moms” whose primary job is to “parent.” Yes, it’s a verb now.

So in what way do we sacrifice ourselves in our role as parent?

We go out of our way to be involved in every aspect of their life… academically, socially, ethically, physically… We have so much information today and that can make so many things stressful and cause needless worry.
We put our own self-interest on the back burner.
We feel we have to do everything ourselves.
We think we have to prepare them for anything and everything “just in case.” One aspect of raising our children is that we have absolutely no idea what their world will be like when they are adults, who they might grow up to be, and what they need to be prepared for. I can’t even imagine what job Sweet Girl will have that doesn’t even exist now. And so I want her to have flexible skills and a general knowledge of everything.

For 9.5 years now, I’ve been a parent of a child with separation anxiety. Parenting is one way I define myself, for sure. I remember the first time Sweet Girl went into a dance class on her own. The very first class she took as a 3-year-0ld, which was just her and a young teacher, I was in the room too. In fact, it took half the 45 minute class time to get her to leave my side. I could tell you about years of situations just like this. I have craved silence and space and time alone since day one because we are always together!

Recently, however, she started to surprise us by not following her usual pattern. We went to a birthday party and we explained in advance that we would stay for a few minutes but then we’d be leaving and would be back to pick her up. “Cool… see ya, folks.” Not only that, but we returned to see her helping a lost, crying kid to find his parents. This scenario has repeated itself in various ways in the last few months. She has surprised and amazed us by trying new foods, playing at friends’ houses, going on school field trips without me, and playing on her own. Finally, there’s some breathing room.

I know that SG is quite capable of doing things on her own and I really have been pushing that lately. And this new-found freedom is not for lack of huge work. She and I talked endlessly about camp for months. I weaved it into many conversations, taught her camp songs, worked on trying new foods, read books about girls growing up and accomplishing things on their own. We were side by side as we made lists, went shopping, and packed. She was ready for this experience and seems to be loving it there. So I feel that I earned this break!

This is a turning point for both of us.

Being together nonstop is not good for anyone. She and I have a very close relationship, which is wonderful, but I think it has also kept her from trying new things and seeing what she is capable of. For me, I didn’t realize how much of my time and identity being a mom has become.

It took me a few days to unwind and feel the calmness in the house, being grateful for the quiet, and now I really feel her absence. 3 weeks is a long time for both of us, but good for building resilience on her part and trust on mine. When I was helping her unpack her things into her cubbies, I had a realization that taking her to college might be pretty similar. That was weird! Of course, when she’s in college, I could call her! (Plus, I hope to have even more faith in her ability to… you know… eat and sleep.)

And so I am catching up with myself and enjoying this break. Rather than having a few hours, always watching the clock, now I have a vast amount of time to fill however I like. First it was filled with new-house tasks, but then I felt the stress finally beginning to lessen. I don’t have to live by the clock for awhile. The things I could do are limitless really… go out at night, take a vacation, or binge watch an entire Netflix series all at once.

It turns out that I like doing not much of anything! I hope to give myself permission to do nothing more often. I want to try to focus on my own needs even if all of SG’s needs haven’t been met. I cannot let myself give so much that I veer toward martyrdom. Then I can be present for my family (and everyone else) with my best self.

Posted in Motherhood | Tagged mommy martyrdom, separation anxiety | 2 Comments

On roots and wings

Posted on June 28, 2018 by Naomi

Being the parent of a kid at camp is sooooo much different from being the camper. Having spent many summers at this camp when I was young, I have a general sense of what SG’s doing and the kind of experience she’s having. The summers we spent at camp were transformative and we want to give that same opportunity to our daughter. Hers will be different experiences from ours, but hopefully similar in meaning and discovery.

Mr. B also spent his childhood going to Jewish summer camp and many of his experiences mirror mine. We forged friendships we still have today. We grew in people skills and learned about other kids and how other families do things. We learned some Hebrew (he learned more than I did), a boatload of Jewish songs and prayers, and that Judaism encourages us to take responsibility for ourselves and things beyond ourselves. We heard about shocking world issues for the first time. We grew in awareness about our religion, other cultures, and where we might fit into the puzzle. And we had fun doing it. We learned so much about who we are and what we are capable of. We felt like part of a special community.

But we didn’t realize we were learning all of that at the time. Thank goodness our parents knew how important the experience was. The responsibility and privilege that comes with being entrusted to raise another person to adulthood led us to want the same for our child. We want her to discover more about who she is and where she fits into the larger community. We want her to care about her religion and culture and its future. We hope she will know and share our values.

But Sweet Girl has never left home like this and it is (understandably) a huge transition for her. We see pictures online every night of her participating in activities and smiling, but we get letters like this one. It’s a strange position to be in… wanting to set her free to grow and to have new experiences but needing reassurance that she’s ok.

As her mother, I know SG better than anyone else. We are very close and we spend a great deal of time together. She tends to seek even more closeness while I turn the other way, needing some personal space. I know her insecurities, fears, and tendencies but I also know that she surprises us (and herself) by trying and liking new things. I see that she wants to grow and learn new things.

You see, SG does not yet want to stand on her own two capable feet. She is like a hatchling wanting to live in the nest as long as possible. And I am the momma bird, gently but firmly pushing this not-a-baby-anymore bird out of the nest and hoping she flies. Whether she does is up to her.

And that’s very hard to watch.

Fingers crossed everybody. Fingers crossed she flies.

Posted in Motherhood | Tagged growth, parenthood | 2 Comments

Healing from trauma… patiently?

Posted on June 26, 2018 by Naomi

“When something bad happens to you and you did not have the power to avoid it, do not aggravate the situation even more through wasted grief.”

This was written in 1807 by Rabbi Leffin in the Mussar book Cheshbon HaNefesh. Last week, my Mussar study group was sitting at my dining room table discussing Patience and we pondered what this statement means.

In Mussar, Patience means much more than not getting your feathers ruffled. It means realizing and accepting that life does not unfold according to our own timetable, but that we interact within a larger community and that we must surrender to Divine timing as well. Working against the current of that can only cause struggle.

Rabbi Leffin’s statement concerns where we place our focus. In any moment, we can only choose how we ourselves will behave, not anyone else around us. In regards to Patience, I would rather wish someone well and remove myself from a situation causing me anger than spend time and energy getting worked up about it. I control my thoughts and how much suffering I will allow inside.

One of our group participants brought up the flood (Hurricane Harvey, not Noah’s), and talked about how this relates to patience. Nobody could have planned for such an event and so it is useless to be full of regret about things we wish we had thought to save or what could have been done. We must stop thinking that way because it only prolongs the suffering of the event itself.

I am not sitting around mourning what was lost and obsessing about my misfortune. And yet, I am still fragile. I’ve notice repeatedly that it doesn’t take much for tears to come to my eyes and I wonder when that vulnerability will dissipate.

I asked her and the group this: while I know this happened 10 months ago now, I don’t yet feel that I have come to terms with it. I don’t think I am “aggravating the situation,” but I still feel as though it only just happened. She responded that since we are all still dealing with the ramifications of the event, of course it’s going to be rather difficult to put it behind us. So true! Another person said it’s like my life was hit by a Mack truck. I like the imagery. I tend to discount what we lost and how it impacts us because we are so fortunate to have each other, a place to live, and the ability to buy what we need.

It has been very much front and center every single day as we calculated the loss, assessed the value of our land, got permits to rebuild, met with the architect, and now begin the build process. We were inconvenienced in having to salvage what we could from the house, pack everything, and move elsewhere (ultimately twice). What’s odd to me is that I feel the loss of a kitchen colander just as much as that of treasured photo albums and books, especially when I’m making spaghetti and looking all over for it. The realization that it must have been one of the thousands of items we had to throw out feels very defeating. It’s having to accept the situation all over again.

I’m finding that to thoughtfully create a house that is exactly what we love, it takes quite a bit of time just to select tile for the kitchens and bathrooms. I am starting to be able to visualize certain spaces and get excited for them to become reality, but it never really leaves my mind that this entire process was thrust upon me out of nowhere and is a huge inconvenience.

I accept the situation. In Mussar terms, I am “bearing the burden” and suffering as little as possible. I know there was nothing I could have done to prevent the hurricane and definitely nothing to do now but move forward. Who am I to fight nature’s storms and patterns? There is very little we have control over in the world.

The struggle seems to take place when we have resistance to what is. Wishing the storm never happened is part of bringing unnecessary grief upon ourselves. It happened. Let it go.

And yet, to my friend’s point, I can’t truly heal from this loss until I’m no longer feeling it’s aftereffects every day. I had not considered this. Of course I am reliving a piece of the storm every single time I visit our lot and feel a momentary shock that our house is not there. I relive it as I see and hear so many homes around me being torn down.

We’ve got to take the long view in times like these. Asking why this happened to us does not help to build a new house. Replacing new possessions, rebuilding routines, and literally constructing a home one board at a time takes a great deal of time. I’ll let the contractors handle the hammers and the saws. Patience is the tool that I can call upon to help me move from one phase to the next until we are, eventually, home again.

Posted in Home, Mussar | Tagged Mussar, patience | 2 Comments

Watch your language!

Posted on June 21, 2018 by Naomi

Here I sit, watching the rain and enjoying a cup of coffee. The house is quiet because Mr. B is sleeping and SG is away at summer camp. I can do this for about an hour before the inner voice gremlins start saying things like, “aren’t you going to exercise today?” and “you’d better start getting ready for the people who are coming over later for your class.”

I’m guessing that people have some self-talk that could use a little tweaking. “I messed up and ate a cookie today” could probably shift to something less shameful like, “I’ve been doing so well that I rewarded myself with a treat and boy was it good!”

It has been my plan for a couple months that once SG was off to camp for 3 weeks, I was finally going to head up to the art space and begin creating again. I have been wanting to resume this self-care practice for many months and there has always been some way to avoid doing it. Maybe that plan was its own method of avoidance?

It’s gotten to a point that I am afraid to begin. I do not know why! I hope that any sort of start will lead me into a routine. I have been tearing out words from home magazines for a word collage. Even just grabbing some glue and a canvas and working on it at the kitchen table would hopefully lead me to need a pen or even paint, which would be an easy transition into that space up there. It’s not organized yet, but it’s there waiting. So far, that hasn’t worked and I’m starting to shame myself about it.

Watching a show on tv, I think about how I am avoiding something that is good for me and that I need to be doing. Yesterday, even when I was doing some reading and writing and working on a puzzle, all of which I enjoyed, I was still telling myself that I should be upstairs getting started on my art. I am making something amazing feel like a chore.

I don’t know what this is all about but I do know that once I begin, the creative process will take over and time will fly by. Perhaps I’m afraid of that feeling of being in the flow? But why? Isn’t that what it’s all about? And since when do I let fear keep me from realizing my potential?