| Page 31

Past, present, and future perfect

Posted on June 4, 2018 by Naomi

I may have figured out the cause of some of my emotional and mental whiplash. It goes like this.

Past: we lost our home and I spend a lot of time thinking about what things we once had so I can plan to replace them, how the rooms flowed and what routines we had in order to better plan our future home. I also seem to look for something every day that I can’t find… our cheese grater, a toy SG wants to play with, a pair of shoes. They are either still in a box in the attic or we lost them. It’s hard to know if I should purchase something or wait until we move in a year to see if it turns up.

Present: we are in a rental house, which requires its own maintenance and routine. There are quite a few of our possessions that are in the attic here because of the effort it took to pack them up. I don’t want to unpack big mirrors that are wrapped in blankets just to have to repack them when we leave. It leads to a sort of temporary, in limbo existence.

Future: now that we have our city permit, the builder is ordering the first of our selections and we are moving forward with the second phase of our options. This is intense design work. It means thoroughly imagining each space: flooring, wall covering and color, ceiling design, lighting placement, and thinking through function, aesthetics, and how it will all flow together. It means pulling out magazine pages and saving ideas to Houzz room ideabooks. It means driving all over the city to various showrooms, meetings with our designer to sketch and then re-sketch the spaces. I spend a lot of time living in our future house in my mind.

Past, present, and future overlap all the time. It used to be that the main work was the resolution of losing what once was. There was a huge focus a few months ago when we were preparing the spreadsheet of our losses for tax purposes.

Now much of my energy and mental focus is spent planing for the future. When I’m shopping for a sofa, I’m thinking of what we used to have, what would work for the short-term rental house, and what the future space will need.

Sometimes it’s so much simper not to think of any of it!

Posted in Home | Tagged building a house | Leave a comment

May books

Posted on May 31, 2018 by Naomi

Brief life update: I now have a fourth grader! I can’t really believe it. Also SG is getting ready to go to sleep away camp for her first time… for about 3 weeks! It’s going to be a big step for my sensitive little one but I know she can do it. I’ve been selecting more things for our future house and we finally got our permit from the city to begin construction. Oh and today’s my birthday!

It was a great month for reading. Almost all of these books have something to do with New York around the turn of the 19th century, with class or racial struggles, and are semi rags-to-riches stories (my favorite). There are several that deal with someone trying to uncover a story from many generations prior. What are the chances?

The Address by Fiona Davis

New York City, 1885 and 1985… narratives one hundred years apart. This historical novel is a mystery and family drama in one. We grow close to two strong women who struggle against different things. My favorite aspect of the book was learning more about The Dakota, a famous building where most of the story takes place, as well as what life was like before New York was fully built. I recently read Davis’ The Dollhouse, also about a famous NYC building, and loved this one just as much. She is an amazing author and I look forward to reading The Masterpiece when it is released in August. Highly recommend.

Exit West by Mohsin Hamid

In a country which could be any country that’s fighting a civil war, two young people meet and identify with each other. They leave their families behind to escape through a series of magic portals (why?), gradually grow apart and end up separating to live out their own lives. I think we are meant to see the immigrant experience, the “otherness” inherent within that, and struggle with how experience itself can change a person. For me, I wasn’t convinced of their “coupleness” in the first place, so I wasn’t overly saddened that they did not stay together. I suppose having a shared past does bind people together, but obviously you’d need more than just that to sustain a relationship. The novel has gotten amazing reviews, so perhaps I’m missing something here. I have read some remarkable immigrant narratives and this one was just “eh.”

Every Note Played by Lisa Genova

Fans of Still Alice will want to read this right away because it’s just as compelling. I didn’t realize Genova is a neuroscientist! This is a page-turner… Pianist Richard develops ALS and we follow his daily challenges. It’s interesting that we don’t really have the change to feel sorry for him because we also read from the perspective of his ex-wife, who has some stories of her own. Highly recommend.

Astor Place Vintage by Stephanie Lehmann

New York City in 1907 and present day. Amanda owns a vintage clothing store and finds a diary in the sleeve of an old fur muff. It is Olive’s journal from 100 years ago. The two women have some surprising commonalities: Both lost a parent, are in the city alone, have much to learn about relationships, are waiting for confirmation that they aren’t pregnant, and they seem to find themselves in exactly the same physical locations in some of the same clothes. Interestingly, Olive is the more “modern” one who teaches Amanda some life lessons about living in the present.

I enjoyed this quick read, although when Amanda began having lucid dreams about what she reads in the diary, imagining Olive to be with her, I started getting confused. The two girls’ stories are so similar!

“It was such a revelation to see that before I was born, people looked different. Their hairstyles, makeup, and clothes kept changing. I learned about style and how to pinpoint which time period a piece of clothing came from. I never could decide which decade was my favorite: the slender, empire waist silks of the teens; the unstructured flapper dresses of the twenties; the movie star–inspired cuts of the thirties; the shoulder-padded forties; the busty, hip-flaunting fifties; the mod Jackie O sixties; the bright bell-bottomed seventies . . . And then there was Olive’s era, different from all the others because it was under the sway of the century that came before… Women hid their legs under long dresses and wouldn’t dream of wearing pants. Cars began to edge out horses, electricity replaced gaslight, moving pictures killed vaudeville. At the center of it all was New York City—my city.”

The Heirs by Susan Rieger

Yes, this is very witty writing and the characters are drawn very well; it’s an insightful look into the different members of family. Maybe every family thinks they are the cat’s meow. This family I just couldn’t figure out. It’s like I was watching only a surface-level depiction when Rieger thought she was giving a deep exposé of each’s motivations. The main character seems so blasé about any sense of upheaval. I had to put this one away when I was about halfway through because I couldn’t get myself to care any more than she seems to.

The Gilded Years by Karin Tanabe

This historical novel is amazing! I can see why it’s being made into a movie. It’s based on the true story of Anita Hemmings, the first black student to attend Vassar College and who successfully passed as white until just before her graduation in 1897. Old moneyed families have the power and new ideas are slow to be adopted. Anita and her family had to sacrifice much to achieve her dream.

In this one book (that I couldn’t put down) we’ve got race, gender, class divisions, education, love, and belonging. You can just tell that Tanabe must have done extensive research for this novel. It is written so well, down to the detail about the street’s gas lamps. Others have compared this to an Edith Wharton novel, and I definitely agree. Interestingly, the next secret African American woman to attend and graduate Vassar was Anita Hemmings’ daughter, and she did not even realize that she wasn’t 100% white. Highly recommend.

“She couldn’t tell Porter anything about herself. She couldn’t tell him that her mother ran a boardinghouse in Cottage City every summer, or that her father had recently begun working two jobs, as a janitor and a coachman, cleaning up after and transporting white wealthy Bostonians. She couldn’t announce that she lived in the city’s Negro neighborhood or that she had never left the state of Massachusetts until she was an adolescent, and still had not traveled beyond the Northeast. Was she supposed to talk about her profound fear that she would grow so comfortable at Vassar that her secret would burst out of her like a sneeze? That she would accidentally mention something about her background, her education, her family that would expose her true origins? Or should she admit that she was not supposed to be speaking to him at all? That he should stay away from her, because she was the thing the world reviled most: a Negro woman?”

“‘I think only someone who has lived as we have can truly understand our positions,’ said Andrew. ‘I never attended a school as a white person like you did, but I have lived as one. I am familiar with floating between both worlds, to be treated as white. I know what it’s like to leave behind your identity as a Negro and be confused about whether you are doing so willingly or unwillingly. And I understand the guilt that can come with securing a better life by passing. The shame. You may think, am I doing this because I am not brave enough to live as a Negro? Or am I living this way because it is the only way to pursue a career I deserve? Perhaps it is an act of bravery? Tricking them into treating you like one of their own.'”

The Debutante by Kathleen Tessaro

I got this one from the library because I loved the Rare Objects so much (see below). It was absorbing but at this point in the month, I’ve read 4 other novels with the same structure of dual timelines and self-awareness/life lessons. I was much more interested in the characters from the past than the present day ones, and ultimately that story wasn’t tied up neatly at the end. Still, it was compelling and I’d recommend it.

Rare Objects by Kathleen Tessaro

I read Tessaro’s The Perfume Collector and loved it. This one is similar in its structure and detailed characters. It’s Boston in the 1930s, and we meet Maeve, a first-generation Irish immigrant. She is unlike many women of her time in that she does not conform to what society expects of her. somehow talks herself into a job in an antiques shop and meets some wealthy collectors. And we also meet Diana, deeply flawed and wealthy. Their lives become intertwined in a myriad of ways. There’s heartbreak, love, character growth, and much to learn about antiques. I can’t say more without giving too much away. Recommend.

“Winshaw and Kessler was quiet. Not just quiet but holding its breath, waiting. After the constant jostling and hustle in New York City, it was strange to walk down an almost empty street each morning, unlock the door, and step into a word dominated not by people but by things. There was a sense of solemnity and guardianship, like being in a library or a church. And like a church, the shop had a muted, remote quality, as if it were somehow both part of and yet simultaneously removed from the present day. The essence of aged wood, silver polish, furniture oil, and the infinitesimal dust of other lives and other countries hung in the air. I could feel its weight around me, and its flavor lingered on my tongue. Time tasted musty, metallic, and faintly exotic… Almost everywhere else, time was an enemy; the thief that rendered food rotten, dulled the bloom of youth, made fashions passé. But here it was the precious ingredient that transformed an ordinary object into a valuable artifact.”

“In it’s purest form, collecting is designing – selecting objects to create sense, order, and beauty. To us, we’re simply selling a serving dish or an ivory comb. But for the buyer, he’s fitting another intricate piece into a carefully curated world of his own construction. At its root is an ancient belief, a hope, in the magic of objects. No matter how sophisticated we think we are, we still search for alchemy.”

Posted in Books, Books - Monthly Reports | Tagged ALS, Fiona Davis, Gilded Age, Karin Tanabe, Kathleen Tessaro, Lisa Genova, Mohsin Hamid, New York City, Stephanie Lehmann, Susan Rieger | 2 Comments

Reading report, motherhood, and doves

Posted on May 1, 2018 by Naomi

I’m positive I have read more than 2 books since my last blog book report, but I just can’t remember what they were. Our library still has not reopened and I’m going to this pop-up shop in the hallway of the YMCA next door. It’s pretty cute and hilarious. I have actually been reading more magazines lately, mostly about home design but also I found and love this one called In The Moment about living in balance in all areas of life. When I’m done putting SG to bed at night, I’m tuckered out. I find that a magazine article is about all I can read before I’m asleep.

Paris by the Book by Liam Callanan

How can you go wrong with “Paris” and “Book” in the title??? Callanan seems to have figured out a way! His story follows a woman as she uses her missing fhusband’s clues to try to find him. She and her two daughters move to Paris, buy part of a bookshop there, and begin to piece together bits of information and possible husband/father sightings. It is an odd story and ultimately, disappointing in how it ends (I think). I couldn’t really identify with the decisions and actions of the main character, so this one wasn’t for me.

The Dollhouse by Fiona Davis

In the 1950s when women moved to New York and lived alone, they lived at the Barbizon Hotel for Women, aka “the dollhouse.” The storyline flips back and forth between that time and the present, with the current-time character being a journalist writing about that time. Both storylines are somewhat interesting but implausible. It took me ages to finish this one. I’d say skip it unless you’ve got no other options.

* * * * *

I’ve also been reading online here and there about kids and media time. This week happens to be Screen-Free Week and we’ve decided to unplug for the most part and see how that goes. We know that we couldn’t easily take away all SG’s YouTube time, but it’s gotten out of hand and we want to limit it to only a few minutes a day. I have read several frightening articles about the dangers of many aspects of passive watching/playing and kids’ development. That in combination with a presentation that our elementary school gave to parents about social media hazards convinced me that there is no reason for SG to have a phone or spend much time on her little device. She needs to be playing in lots of other ways and get on with the business of childhood.

She’s 9 (and a half!) and mostly a sweet-natured, good kid. There are glimpses though of questionable behavior and a bit of an attitude peeking out. She’s also getting pushed around a little at school. I worry quite a bit that I’m not doing enough to shape her values or giving her tools to be stronger within.

I am determined to stay close to her and to know what interests her and what she cares most about and we all love spending quality time together. I’m asking her more questions instead of lecturing. Who knows if we’re doing this parenting thing right?

Although… we arrived early to pick her up at a birthday party last weekend and we witnessed her helping a crying toddler find his parents. That made me feel SO GOOD! So we must be doing something right.

* * * * *

About 2 months ago now, I noticed that 2 mourning doves were building a nest in our backyard bamboo branches. One of them (and sometimes both) would be tending to the nest in the mornings and then was not around the rest of the day. Then about 3 weeks ago, they began sitting on their eggs, the female in the mornings and the male in the evenings. I learned to tell them apart and they watched me carefully through our kitchen window while I’d eat my oatmeal each morning and my sandwich at lunchtime, making sure I didn’t get too close.

I’d been watching eagerly for something to happen when about a week ago now, 2 little hatchlings emerged. We can’t see into the nest from our vantage point, so I brought in our ladder to try to at least get higher. It took a few days, but eventually they were more and more active. I read that the babies only stay for 10-12 days so I imagine we’re nearing the end and then it’ll be an “empty nest.” The tiny space is definitely crowded. Yesterday the mother left the 2 young ones on their own for awhile and I took that as a sign that I’d better get my camera out one more time.

Posted in Books - Monthly Reports, Mindfulness, Motherhood | Tagged mourning doves, Paris by the Book, screen time, The Dollhouse, tween | 1 Comment

Update

Posted on April 20, 2018 by Naomi

“Don’t count the days. Make the days count.”

~ Muhammad Ali

Please forgive me. It’s been months since my last ~~confession~~ post.

I have been doing it again…. avoiding this blog because I know that writing leads me to uncover what is just beneath the surface within me. For that same reason, I haven’t finished setting up my art space.

No judgement though… I will get there in time. For about a month now, I have finally felt settled and very calm and happy. We’re going through our everyday routines. Since clearing the volunteer decks, I have time to myself (more than ever before really). I haven’t wanted to do much of anything that would be at all emotional… not watching movies that are dramas, not reading tear-jerking novels, and not talking to anyone who wants to know much. Really I’m just skimming the surface of life and enjoying being up here just fine thank you very much!

A small newspaper here just put out a call for articles as we approach the one year anniversary of the flood. So I was thinking: many of you say that I am able to express things that they themselves were thinking but didn’t know how to say. So I figure I should write something for this August publication. Maybe it would be helpful to someone.

But what angle would I take? Would it be one of gratitude for the blessings in our lives despite what we’ve lost? Seems overdone, honestly. Should it be a comparison of how our life a year ago and our life today are so totally different, from the mattresses we sleep on, to the school we drive to, to the cars we drive? Should I point out the hassles of building and not living where you want to be? I could talk about the constancy of change or how stressful it can be not to accept it. Or maybe the continued upheaval around us and the fragile state of everybody’s emotions. How about writing about how I gloss over the losses that I keep uncovering? Or should I talk about simplifying life down to the very things that matter the most: home, family, a sense of place and community?

Truth is, I feel all those things and more and I don’t know where to even begin. That’s probably why I have been avoiding this space for several months now. I figured you all understood that time is elastic and that I would be back eventually.

Let’s talk about time. I seriously don’t know how it got to be the middle of April but already there are only six weeks of school left and the summer is pretty much mapped out and then, before we realize, it will be Fall with all its projects and to do’s. It seems like there’s one milestone or big event after another and I am jumping from one to the other and only just managing to get a few things done in between. I feel like I just had a birthday, but amazingly (and gratefully) I am soon about to have another. It’s only when I remember that my last one was in our old house that I realize a year has come and gone. (Also, I got that amazing camera that has sat in its box all this time. Must do something about that!)

Even having simplified my every day life, I still don’t want to add anything back in and I feel like my time is precious and limited. I now spend at least an hour walking every morning and another planning and cooking healthy meals. And there are the appointments with our builder and an endless number of design decisions to research and make. My days are just different, that’s all, but I like the space between meetings and the quiet simplicity of my weekdays.

I’m in love with my hubby and we are soon to escape for a few days of romance and relaxation. I’m greatly enjoying our sweet 9-year-old. She changes every single day and I marvel at her ideas, her interests, and her amazing memory. She can be emotional and blasé all in the span of five minutes. She cares about friendships and is suddenly noticing boys in the cutest, most innocent way. I know this period of her life is going to pass all too quickly and so I’m trying to lap it up gratefully. Every moment, even the frustrating ones.

Well, that’s a snapshot of what I’ve been up to. I’m writing a “new house” update for you as well as a “healthy lifestyle” update. I (strangely) haven’t been reading much, but I’ll update you on books too. Thank you for sticking with me! Love to all of you. Mwah!

Posted in Home, Mindfulness, Motherhood, Writing | Tagged change, gratitude, house | 2 Comments

February reading report and life update

Posted on March 1, 2018 by Naomi

Hi friends! I know I have been away too long. I’m just catching up with myself, laying low, and resting from the last 6 months of craziness.

Yes, 6 months since the storm. That is crazy town to me. Life looks VERY different than it did then. Different house, different furniture, different school, and very different priorities.

I can sense that there are some big shifts happening inside me, but I can’t really articulate them yet. It must be true that one can’t go through so much activity and change and not be fundamentally affected. It’s all for the good and I wouldn’t undo any of it because of what we have learned in the process.

I made a big push to unpack most of our things, replace what was needed, and have even hung a few pictures on the walls. There’s still much to do (art room is a frustrating mess) but we are getting settled into new routines. I’ve let go of some expectations I had about the rental house feeling like home. It is a good place to spend a year and it doesn’t have to be perfect.

Our neighborhood is changing rapidly. Nearly every house is either torn down, in the process of being raised up, or for sale.

Our own lot is waiting for some action. We closed on the construction loan on Friday, which means we are finally no longer paying our mortgage AND rent. The pool is a mess, so I went over there this morning to plug in an extension cord to a different neighbor’s outlet to see if we can get a temporary pump going while we wait for the city permit. We hope to avoid the expense of having to shock it yet again.

I got to escape for a few days to Miami Beach with Mr. B, tagging along on one of his meetings. It was really great to catch up with some friends there and to spark some life into our marriage. Still 2 weeks later, I feel like we are dating again. 🙂 I have been looking at photo albums of the past 18 years and wondering where I’ve been all that time – was I with the same guy? I see him so differently right now so I must have been taking him for granted before, which is wasted appreciation and opportunity. We are only looking forward though, to more romance and deeper love. To be waiting for his return tonight from a business trip with giddy anticipation is fresh and fun.

The plans are finished for the new house! It’s amazing how many times you can change things! In each version, we’d see something else we wanted to move around. We are making some preliminary selections too – appliances, plumbing fixtures, fireplace, windows and doors. In a couple of weeks, I can show you a rendering of what it will look like.

Now that the school book fair is over, the temple directory is designed and out of my hands, the second move is done, and much of the house paperwork is behind us, I hope to settle into some calmness. This week has been lovely for slowly unpacking the art room and otherwise just doing my own thing. In the past month, I was asked to apply for two different jobs, a high compliment, but I’m not ready for anything new just yet. I don’t trust life just yet to stay at this pace and I want to be ready for the unexpected twist.

I’ve been enjoying curling up with a cup of tea and a good book more and more. Tell me what you are reading lately!

First, I rarely watch TV, so this is noteworthy. While I was having my little personal retreat in the Miami hotel room, I watched a Netflix series called The Paradise. It’s a British costume drama aired in 2012 that lasted 2 seasons. I highly recommend it for some distraction and a fantastic story. I’m rather sad that it’s ended. I plan to start watching The Crown next. Do you have any shows you recommend?

White Houses: A Novel by Amy Bloom

I really like Amy Bloom, but I just could not get into this one and dropped it halfway through. Also, I’ve probably read too many books about Eleanor Roosevelt, so this story was not new to me. This is a look into Lorena Hickok’s decades-long relationship with Eleanor Roosevelt. I found the constant switching between Lorena’s reflection on her difficult past and the current action to be confusing and I didn’t feel invested in her past enough to care. I have to say though, I learned more about FDR and his relationships and temperament here than in other books I’ve read. Maybe if it had been told from Eleanor’s point of view it would have been more interesting.

Every woman’s body is an intimate landscape. The hills, the valleys, the narrow ledges, the riverbanks, the sudden eruptions of soft or crinkling hair. Here are the plains, the fine dry slopes. Here are the woods, here is the smooth path to the only door I wish to walk through. Eleanor’s body is the landscape of my true home.

Love and Other Consolation Prizes by Jamie Ford

This is historical fiction at its best. Ford takes the Seattle world’s fair of 1909, the suffrage movement of women, and shows us the best and worst of humanity via two perspectives in time.

Half innocence lost, half substantive love story. I don’t want to give anything away here, so I’ll just say that many of the events in the story are real, though this is a work of fiction. Children were given away at the time, there was much discrimination against foreign orphans, and there was a world of vice and an underbelly to life in Seattle at the turn of the century. It’s a heartfelt story with unique and strong characters I won’t soon forget. I never read Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet so that’s one that I’m going to read soon.

“‘My theory,’ Maisie said, ‘is that the best, worst, happiest, saddest, scariest, and most memorable moments are all connected. Those are the important times, good and bad. The rest is just filler.'”

Still Me: A Novel by Jojo Moyes

I just had to read this one and as soon as I got it from the library, I devoured it. It’s nice to see what’s become of Louisa after reading her story in the first two books, but I think I’m done with her now. This one just didn’t grip me the same way as the others did, though I enjoyed it. Like Louisa, I have moved to a new city and tried to hold on to a long-distance relationship and I have also struggled with knowing myself regardless of who I am surrounded by. As Louisa grows even stronger and more into herself, she learns to enjoy what she has and to embrace her new experiences. And, of course, love wins in the end once she learns who she is and what she wants most.

I thought about how you’re shaped so much by the people who surround you, and how careful you have to be in choosing them for this exact reason, and then I thought, despite all that, in the end maybe you have to lose them all in order to truly find yourself.

The key was making sure that anyone you allowed to walk beside you didn’t get to decide which you were, and pin you down like a butterfly in a case. The key was to know that you could always somehow find a way to reinvent yourself again.

Between Me and You: A Novel by Allison Winn Scotch

An actress and a screenwriter alternate telling about their marriage, from the start of their relationship as well as from today going backwards. We see the exciting beginnings, the bitter separation, and how they got from one to the other. We don’t yet know as we read if they can figure out what went wrong and try to piece themselves back together. Rather a heartbreaking read.

Being valued, being needed, being seen is an easy thing to underestimate. Like air. Like you don’t realize that it’s necessary to sustain you until it’s suddenly gone.

Posted in Books, Books - Monthly Reports, Home | Tagged Allison Winn Scotch, Amy Bloom, Eleanor Roosevelt, Jamie Ford, JoJo Moyes | 4 Comments

Uncharted territory: no more denial

Posted on February 9, 2018 by Naomi

I figured I was so “advanced” that I skipped all the stages of grief, when all the while I was stuck in the first one and didn’t even realize it (it’s denial). The past few months have been fueled by adrenaline and stress and I have not spent much time in reflection about any of what’s happened. It’s catching up to me now.

Yesterday evening, I was trying to put some doors on a new piece of office furniture and noticed that I was repeatedly doing it wrong. I finally had to make myself stop so I could come back refreshed another day. All day I’d been forgetting things and feeling like my thoughts were in a fog.

Today, big feelings snuck up on me. Is misdirected emotion a thing? I thought I was upset about one thing and then these huge waves of sadness washed over me and I realized that these repressed feelings snuck up on me. I feel defeated by circumstances, tired, and discouraged.

Immediately after the storm in August, people expressed such kindness and concern. I got lots of hugs and offers to help with anything at all. At the time, I didn’t know why they were making a big fuss over something I had under control. I thought that it’s just “stuff” that can be replaced, we are all fine, and there’s much to do so let’s get to it. But there was more that I am only just now beginning to process.

I look around today and realize that my routine is completely different than it was 6 months ago. And I want the old one back! I miss the committees I was on and the people I love at our congregation. I miss my art room and the time to spend in creative work. I miss my online classes and connecting with that community of friends. I miss sitting on my sunporch with my cat. I even miss my old tupperware… or just knowing where things are and what we own. I can see why people were so concerned… quite a lot has been lost. There’s no more waiting until things are “back to normal.” It’s just simply GONE! What?!

I wish I could have my old house back and my sweet kitty that slept at my head every night and my old routine. I thought seeing the house gone 2 days ago would help me accept that all of those things are gone. I don’t know why this has happened and I seem to be taking it personally.

Different house, different elementary school, even a different cat! Today I am looking around me and thinking, “what the heck happened???” I don’t recognize my surroundings and I feel disoriented. WHY has all this happened? I am a ‘get-er-done’ person and I never really understood those people who “let the dust settle” before making decisions. Today I do. I don’t even remember what I was doing before, but currently I’m getting our rental house to resemble a home, thinking and talking ad nauseam about cabinet placement in all the rooms of our future house, working on our construction loan paperwork that does not seem to ever end, and trying to squeeze in everything else where I can.

And it’s never-ending. It’s not like we could clean up after the storm and go right on with life as usual. We embarked on a multi-year project instead! And I am so done with talking about it all the time. It’s not only our own situation… it’s hassles that other flood victims are dealing with too, whether I read about them online or hear about them in person. My point is… this won’t go away!

Everyone processes things in their own way on their own timeline. For me, my head was in a different place until yesterday. I guess I was doing so much as if I could make it all better. I was doing what needed to be done, one thing after another after another, unconsciously opting to defer the emotion for another time – packing and storage and moving and insurance and lists and decisions and assembling furniture and cleaning and mothering. Phone calls and showroom visits and so many decisions about a future house that I have trouble even envisioning from drawings. I’ve also spent endless time ensuring that my sweet girl is adjusting and thriving and has everything she needs (including my attention) to do so. There’s simply no time for momma to fall apart.

I guess there’s only so long I could continue this way. Yesterday I started crying in frustration and couldn’t stop for a long time. Then I felt so heavy with exhaustion and even self-pity. I suppose I was in denial that such an event had impacted me much at all. I had been ok with starting each day and plowing straight through it at full speed until I collapsed exhausted into bed at the end of it. I thought I was taking good care of myself. I have been checking in with myself to see how I was feeling, but each time I felt pretty much nothing.

Today I made peanut butter toast. This was the first time that Mo didn’t come to me as soon as I opened the jar of PB. Even last week, when he didn’t feel well enough to come into the kitchen, I took him a finger tip of PB to lick. I was actually wondering why he wasn’t coming today. Him being gone seems odd. I’ve definitely been pretending that he’s still here. The point is, we are going to have to create new routines for everything. We are already. That is freakin’ exhausting.

I am in uncharted territory without my usual sense that I can create whatever I want for our future. I don’t know if we are making the right decisions. I don’t have that feeling that it’ll all be ok in the end. I can hardly fathom what has happened. Is this shock? Grief?

If someone else were telling me all these thoughts, I would tell her that she needs to slow waaaaay down and take better care of herself. So I’m trying to figure out what I most need right now so I can give it to myself. I usually look at my to-do list and add more things. Looking at it from the mindset of “what can I take off my list?” feels weak and lazy to me. But I realize there are limits and I have not been respecting mine.

I am fortunate to have a lot of family support and friends who would do anything for me. So I had a heart-to-heart with Mr. B this morning. I cancelled today’s “plumbing fixtures” meeting and gave myself a day of quiet. But emotionally, what would be best for healing? Writing? Art? Long walks? Over time, I am going to allow myself to think through some of what took place and come to terms with it. There’s no reason to be angry at this rental house because it’s not my house.

Lots of heavy feelings today. But still… I have this soft kitten on my lap, a cup of hot tea in front of me, and I’m trying to count my blessings. That’s enough for today.