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How to grow a materialistic child

Posted on October 21, 2015 by Naomi

My grandfather grew up on a large piece of land in Poland. His household (which included his parents, four siblings, grandparents, uncle and his family, and a caretaker) would rise early to tend to the animals, bake the daily bread, and commence a day of hard work around the house and in their orchard. Clothing was hand sewn. Toys were made from wood and whatever was available around the house. People shared rooms.

When I stop by to visit with my grandparents these days, my grandpa will point to my iPhone and say, “Can that little machine tell me some Yiddish song lyrics?” or “Would that rectangle take a good picture of this?” The fact that I could take a photo and immediately send it to his sister in New York was mind boggling to him.

Each new generation of parents is amazed at what goods and experiences are available to their children. I know I’ve tried explaining pay phones to my daughter and she’s interested in how that entire system actually worked, but she can’t really conceive of it. Or going to a video store. Or having to go to the library to find an answer to a question. “Kids today” don’t seem to have much experience in actually waiting for things. We have instant access to media and information. Any product we could imagine could be dropped at our doorstep by Amazon, sometimes in a matter of hours. It really is amazing how fast things have changed.

I also think our standards have shifted, mostly upward. Rather than brew a pot of Folgers at home, many people pop over to the Starbucks drive thru as part of their morning routine. Starbucks wasn’t even around a generation ago. When much of the world has never had a hot shower, why do we think it’s “normal” to have luxury-brand clothing or to take a generator along when going camping? Should kids expect a trip to Disney World as part of the typical life experience?

Given this instant-access and materialistic culture we live in, how do we raise our children with restraint? What is the appropriate amount of toys???

Ron Lieber writes in The Opposite of Spoiled: Raising Kids Who Are Grounded, Generous, and Smart About Money that “materialistic people focus more on stuff than they do on people and relationships. They genuinely believe that more stuff will make them happy.” Sometimes this comes out at a playdate when two children are fighting over one toy. Sometimes it’s the whining and begging that we hear in the toy aisles of every store. Lieber points out that much of their desire has to do with wanting to belong.

Lieber says it all begins with the example we set when we buy things for ourselves. Remember, it’s their job to ask questions. Our spending choices say a great deal about our values, and children want to know why we make certain decisions… how much tv we watch, whether we prioritize travel over dining out or clothing, and where we go on vacation.

Setting limits is part of responsible parenting. Just because Parent A allows their child to stay out until midnight shouldn’t automatically make Parent B “the strict one” because they want him home by 10:00. Go ahead and say no to the latest gadget and disappoint your kid.

Lieber writes that “feeling fortunate is good for kids… [research shows there are] strong correlations between gratitude and higher grades, levels of life satisfaction, and social integration. There’s also a link between gratitude and lower levels of envy and depression.”

How do we foster a feeling of gratitude? At our dinner table, we take turns saying one thing that happened that day that made them feel fortunate. Sometimes we change it up and tell how we helped someone that day. Or something in our life that we are thankful for.

Another thing we do is try to give our daughter some perspective. She doesn’t naturally encounter people who are in a different economic situation. So I point out the homeless person standing on the corner and we talk about that for awhile. When we go to the grocery store, I have her pick out a can of veggies to drop in the food donation bin on the way out. Every Friday night, we put at least a few coins into a special box designated for a future donation. Soon I’ll be taking her to the food bank to learn about what they do. I would really like to figure out a way for her to naturally meet and befriend other kids who may not have as much as we do.

I have a very clear memory of my father taking us kids to deliver some Christmas gifts to a destitute family he knew of. He wanted us to see the room where they all lived and how much they appreciated what we gave them. That mental image comes to me sometimes when I’m deciding whether to purchase something. Perspective.

This month, my daughter is invited to 9 birthday parties. We select gifts for her friends together and it never fails that she wants one of the same thing. I try to always say no, that it’s ok to want things, but we have to think about purchases.

We’re surrounded with the message that “more stuff” is necessary. But is more stuff a good thing? He who has the most toys wins? I am fighting it with all I’ve got.

What do you think?

Posted in Books, Motherhood, Quotations | Tagged children, gratitude, materialism, Ron Lieber, spoiled | 10 Comments

Enough already! (aka, learning to be content)

Posted on October 19, 2015 by Naomi

“Who is wealthy?” the Sages ask, and answer, “One who is happy with his portion.”

A few months ago now, as part of a book group on living simply, I went through everything in our house and gave away or sold about 1/3 of it. I haven’t looked for one of those items. What’s more, I still look around and find much more that we do not need.

A friend asked what we would do if we came upon a need for something we no longer have. I said I am trusting that the item would find it’s way back to us if necessary. We could always borrow or purchase it again. However, I am perfectly happy with one cake platter instead of 5.

In Everyday Holiness: The Jewish Spiritual Path of Mussar, Alan Morinis writes, “When you undertake to be satisfied with little and not run after unnecessary things, whether food, clothing, possessions, experiences, or mental states, you will have simplified your life.”

In the quotation below, I like how it emphasizes that spiritually focused abstinence is not a matter of denial but contains within it seeds of liberation.

“If being content with what you have is an attitude, it is not meant to be a fatalistic one. It’s more positive than that. At its core, this inner attitude is about elevating the spiritual above the physical. It calls for transcending materialism in favor of a way of living that acknowledges the primacy of the spiritual in your life.”

Contentment also means faithfully believing that we don’t need to worry as much about the future. What freedom! No need to dwell on the past or future, but focus instead on right now.

“Being content means accepting that you have been allotted everything you need for the present, according to a wisdom that is higher than anything your human mind can assess.“

Food is the classic Jewish example of this trait. In my Mussar class, I spent two weeks studying this trait. One of the ideas spoke to me and I wanted to try it. Essentially, it asks us to create a moment of conscious awareness when we are eating. “Every time food is approaching your mouth, take a brief moment to consider what you are about to eat. Investigate your motive for eating. Is it the simple need of the body born of hunger? Or is it indulgence? Social pressure? And consider whether the food you are about to eat is good for you.” (Rabbi Zvi Holland)

Well, I had already been doing this to a certain extent, having been on Weight Watchers for a few months. Since I am eating less than I was before, I am more mindful and appreciative of every bite. With my daughter, we have wondered out loud where our food comes from and how many people were involved in getting it to our grocery store. (Also in my study of this concept, I read about people who live close to the land, eating what they grow and living simply, and that lifestyle sounds very fulfilling.)

I always know when my daughter needs to eat. Too little nutrition doesn’t allow our bodies or minds to function well and do what they need to do. Similarly, while we could buy her many more of the little “made in China” plastic items that she always wants at stores, we want to teach her to value and to be content with what she already has, and we try to be an example of that too.

My grandparents, who lived through the Great Depression, have always “made do” with what they had. Still today, our current culture of running to the store for something baffles them I think. My grandfather actually grew up on a farm in Poland, growing their own food, milking their goats, and owning only two changes of clothing. He needs very little even now.

It’s not just things, but our schedules too. It’s difficult for me to connect with a simpler way of living if my phone is always dinging with new emails! Since I seem to be a professional volunteer all of a sudden, I find it hard to focus on one task at a time. I can be intently working on a book fair spreadsheet when someone gets back to me about a girl scout soup kitchen project, and then I’m off in that direction.

So we drive a nice car and live in a nice house… it’s ok to enjoy life. I think we are supposed to. But there’s enjoying life and then there’s going to the extreme. Its all about peace of mind.

Tell me how you might simplify your life?

Posted in Books, E-courses, Mindfulness, Mussar, Quotations, Spirituality | Tagged awareness, contentedness, Mussar, people, simplicity | 5 Comments

Is self-help really all that helpful?

Posted on October 16, 2015 by Naomi

Read this. Do that. Retweet this. Exercise like that. Don’t eat this. Be that.

Jeez!!!

Is there an implication that we aren’t good enough!? How much better can we possibly get???

Marie Folio, personal empowerment guru, says in this short video on MarieTV that the self-help culture is not the fault of the internet or self-help books. We are the ones looking for some tips and tricks to make life more productive. But… we can step away from all that and just enjoy life. Sometimes taking a break from self-improvement is what we need!

I get tired of the continual improvement… of productivity, efficiency, learning, parenting, time management, and on and on and on. I suppose it’s nice to know there’s always more to learn, but I need a little break!

What do you think?

Posted in Mindfulness, Quotations | Tagged life, Marie Folio, video | 3 Comments

The stepladder approach

Posted on October 14, 2015 by Naomi

I wrote this post about 9 months ago but never posted it because our daughter “fell off the wagon” so to speak. After going on the reward vacation, we came home and basically had to start over. So I gave up. However, we made another stepladder 2 weeks ago and had big success right away. She now goes to sleep like a pro all by herself. Thank goodness!

One of the many techniques I learned from reading Helping Your Anxious Child: A Step-by-Step Guide for Parents by Ronald Rapee, Susan Spence, Ann Wignall, Heidi Lyneham, and Vanessa Cobham a year ago is using stepladders with anxious children. Stepladders are a way to help children overcome their fears by facing up to the very things they are scared of.

“Stepladders are carried out in a step-by-step fashion so that it isn’t overwhelming for your child. In this way, your child will experience difficult situations gradually and learn to cope with them. Being encouraged to try things that are frightening, and learning to cope, will give your child confidence and help to break the pattern of automatically responding with fear and worry.”

I share this with you because many of my friends have asked me about it, and also because I think it helps adults too. Slowly exposing yourself to something you’re afraid of works to familiarize yourself with that fear, showing yourself that you can conquer it. Avoiding something actually strengthens the power of anxious beliefs. Most people have developed ways to avoid situations where they might become anxious.

For us, one of my daughter’s big fears was (and still is) being by herself. An only child who craves interaction, she is constantly with us. And what’s worse than playing alone during the day? Being all alone… in the dark… at night.

stepladder 2 After we were positive that it was a reasonable expectation for a 6-year-old to be able to be left alone in her room after stories and kisses, we discussed the concept with her. We were clear about how we wanted to help her and what we thought she could do eventually.

“It’s important that your child is a willing and active participant in the process, or you will be fighting an uphill battle.” Our daughter already wanted to be able to do this. That was hugely motivating for her. The three of us came up with each step of the ladder together. Each rung is her actual wording.

As we worked our way up the steps, my daughter saw evidence that she could deal with her fears. She proudly went to her stepladder and highlighted the rung she’d completed.

“During a stepladder, children will have to experience some situations that make them feel worried. This is important because it helps children learn that although they may have started off feeling uncomfortable and worried, the bad things they feared did not actually happen. By doing this, your child learns that he or she can tolerate some feelings of worry and that these won’t stop him or her from doing things. After all, none of us can go through life without ever feeling anxious.”

Each next step should be slightly more difficult than the one under it. The idea is that she practice each step until she is relatively comfortable with it. Then, she can highlight it and climb up to the next one.

“Giving rewards after each practice increases your child’s motivation because it balances the unpleasantness of facing fears with a positive.” For us, the chart was enough of an intrinsic reward. Going to bed well and sleeping all night in her room does warrant a small prize in the morning. We had fun shopping for those together. The major reward in the middle of the ladder is new bedding, which our daughter really wanted. She chose a rainbow of hearts duvet cover and turquoise sheets.

Our ultimate goal was to say goodnight in the living room and then not see our daughter until morning. Honestly, when we were creating the steps, each one seemed far-fetched, so we just kept dreaming. We reevaluated our ultimate goal before reaching the top. She had done so well and felt so great about her successes that we decided it was ok to stop exactly where we were, which was having some alone play time, some stories with one of us, and then saying goodnight, letting her fall asleep, and coming back in a few minutes to check on her.

To fight fear you have to face fear. The book has many children’s activities to do together with a parent. It also introduced us to a new way of thinking, “detective thinking,” where you both try to come up with evidence that something the child fears would not actually take place. Usually it wouldn’t – the school fire drill usually doesn’t indicate an actual fire – but in the event it could, you brainstorm together how she would handle it.

So simple and so helpful! Let me know in the comments what you think.

Creating a new stepladder poster. Maybe now that she’s almost 7 she was more ready. She got to have a friend sleep over, which is a whole other story.

Posted in Books, Home, Motherhood | Tagged anxious children, bedtime fears, separation anxiety | 6 Comments

Self-care

Posted on October 12, 2015 by Naomi

Self-care to me means reading fiction or interesting nonfiction. Slowing my pace. Coffee with a friend. Watching the birds in my backyard. Savoring the smell of a morning cup of coffee. Sleeping in. Taking macro photos of flowers. Savoring a kiss. Getting a manicure.

Self-care is also making life easy for myself, like planning out meals and going grocery shopping for an entire week of dinners. Doing laundry on a Sunday so everyone has the clothes they need for a successful week. It means lowering my standards sometimes, especially when it comes to expectations I have of myself.

What is self-care to you and how do you slip it into your day?

Interesting read: Kristin Neff tackles the misconceptions that stop us from being kinder to ourselves in this Daily Good article, The Five Myths of Self-Compassion. “Relating to ourselves in a kind, friendly manner is essential for emotional wellbeing. Not only does it help us avoid the inevitable consequences of harsh self-judgment—depression, anxiety, and stress—it also engenders a happier and more hopeful approach to life. More pointedly, research proves false many of the common myths about self-compassion that keep us trapped in the prison of relentless self-criticism.”

Posted in Mindfulness | Tagged birds, coffee, photos, reading | 2 Comments

Wednesday has been cancelled: embracing the weirdness

Posted on October 9, 2015 by Naomi

Have you ever watched people dance without hearing the music they must be listening to? They look completely goofy.

Or have you been on an airplane or in a quiet waiting room and heard someone who was wearing headphones, engrossed in a movie on their computer or ipad, suddenly scream out, “Watch out, Kramer!” super loud? It’s shocking and then hilarious at how out of context it seems.

If so, then you will absolutely adore David’s post on Raptitude called “Don’t Forget How Strange This All Is.” He writes that because of familiarity blindness, we are accustomed to things that might seem strange if you were, say, an alien visiting our planet for the first time. Liquid randomly falling from the sky? People who take off their clothes and expose their skin to “radiation burns from a glowing ball in the sky?” Picking up dog poop and carrying it around in a bag? All quite odd when you think about it. We are just used to it now.

“Camus thought our unreasonable demand for meaning and sense was fundamental to human beings, and that it creates a ton of pain for us. He saw only three ways to respond to life’s absurdity: we can deny it (usually by claiming that a God has designed it this way), we can commit suicide, or we can embrace the weirdness and live in it wholeheartedly.

“The last option, he figured, was the only good one. When you stop expecting the world to be sensible, suddenly it all makes sense.”

You must read this article!